Birth

Note: This is my Maundy Thursday #BecauseOfHim post.

4. Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5

Because of Him, everyone has the opportunity to come closer to God.

In John 3, we read:

3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

4 Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother’s womb, and be born?

5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.

7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again.

Well, I confess that I have marveled at this concept day after day. I have wondered the same question as Nicodemus -- can a person enter the second time into his or her mother's womb and get a fresh start? Can someone simply accept Christ and have that be sufficient? Can someone overcome a life where most everyone they know does drugs, where they went to bed hungry and scared, or where they were exposed to heavily thematic or pornographic materials from a young age? Can someone accept Christ and suddenly become a 100% church attending, scripture-studying, Word of Wisdom-keeping, dependable person?

With God all things are possible, but I have seen that that is a very, very, very tall order. It is so, so hard for people to attend church regularly for so many reasons. It is so, so hard to get out of poverty, especially when there are health issues. And we do what we can -- in our ward, for example, we have self-reliance classes and welfare and home teachers and visiting teachers and auxiliary leaders who try to reach out -- but it is not easy for the person in need or the people who are trying to help. 

And so I asked myself a variation on Nicodemus's question -- can someone who is not born to a life of privilege attain a life of privilege as if they were born again? Then, I had another question pop into my head -- do they have to be? Does someone have to have a life like an upper middle class child -- where they heard 30,000 words a day from parents, where they always had nutritious food and sanitary conditions, where they learned good manners and to return phone calls and emails, where they never even considered stealing or doing drugs because no one else they knew would ever do that -- in order to make it to heaven?

And I realized, that's not what Jesus was saying at all. What matters is that we have to be born of the Spirit. We have to have that spiritual awakening -- that realization that there is more to the universe than us and our own needs, the realization that there is a God who has rules that we've been breaking, the realization that we need a Savior -- and anyone from anywhere can have that experience. Anyone with a humble heart can be born again. Everyone, regardless of their privilege or talents, must be born again to enter the kingdom of God.

I have been lucky to be in wards where I've seen such humble, wonderful people join the church and be instantly welcomed into the family. Yet in these wards, there still are many, many names in the ward directory that I haven't recognized. I'm starting to appreciate what a foreign concept it might be to come to church every single week, to accept callings, and to be immersed in this culture often defined by middle-class, college-educated people from the western United States. And then on top of that, some might not have a reliable way to get to church!

And yet, even if they don't come each week or accept callings, they still were born again. They still had that wonderful experience with the Holy Ghost that gave them the desire to be be baptized. Perhaps we do not have all the resources to help make church attendance a habit as natural as breathing, perhaps some have not remembered the goodness of God that they felt when they first repented (Mosiah 4:11), but God watches over them just as he does the babies in the NICU who are still figuring out their lungs. Christ travailed for them, and He will not abandon them.

Wins All Around

Life has been funny lately. There have been a lot of things that make me burst out laughing or at least bite my lip pretty hard.

I know there's lots to catch up on about life, such as Christmas, our trip to New York (not quite the city), and at least 1 or 2 Facebook albums I should make about life in New Haven if I want to be consistent with albums the way I have been for nearly 5 years . . . but I think I just want to get this all down first. So I don't forget it.

Two other pregnancy symptoms

I forgot to mention these in my other blog post, and I think they will work pretty well here. The first is my memory. When we first moved here, I was so grateful for my good memory. I felt like I immediately learned most people's names and they stuck. I kept track of things pretty well and felt like I got the hang of my calling pretty well the first few months.

Now I feel like my memory has gone out the door. Each week that I stand in front of Primary I panic a little because I have to remind myself every kid's name. Sometimes I ask a kid if they are a visitor, and they say no. But they kind of are because they're not on class rolls, but I guess not enough to justify singing the "Hello" song. (It's complicated.)

And it's not just kids I have trouble remembering. People are always giving me information about all sorts of resources and I have to remind myself that I can't just sit there nodding and not absorbing any of it. Then there all sorts of questions about teacher manuals and the pictures that went along with them and I had no clue what they were talking about. And I realized I had gone through my entire life (including a year in Primary) without touching a physical Primary manual. Haha!

So, I guess I feel like I'm drowning all over again, just like I was during scout rechartering and the Primary Program. I'm not sure how much to blame on the calling and how much to blame on faulty memory, but I figure as long as I keep a sense of humor about it it will all work out.

The other thing that I keep a sense of humor about is all my crying. So, like I said earlier, I don't cry in public. But in my house . . . all bets are off! What usually does me in is music, so I have definitely had times where I turn on music to work out and just find myself sobbing as I exercise. It's not that I'm sad at all. Just a tiny bit of nostalgia mixed with a lot of hormones.

I mean, some things are understandable. Mr. Kruger's Christmas is a nice old Christmas story. But sobbing my way through it twice while Joseph was watching it felt, well, a little embarrassing. And it gets worse. My mom bought a bunch of music we listened to as kids and gave it to us as Christmas presents (Scripture Scouts and the like) and . . . hoo boy. All I have to hear is music recorded in the late 80s or 90s and there I go, turning my head away so no one sees me cry. And rational me is saying, "Ack! Ack! Ack! They're even singing out of tune!" and still I go on like I'm cutting onions or something.

And finally there was the Christmas Chatbooks ad. That one I was watching at my phone til I said to Kevin, "Take this away from me." Because I was not going to cry about a Chatbooks ad. And I think I didn't. Barely.

Joseph

Going back to exercise, Joseph is a huge fan. I once exercised when he was at Joy School and told him about it. His face fell. "You did it without me?"

I mean, it's not real exercise. It's finding songs on the computer and doing the kickboxing/aerobics/zumba moves to them that I remember long enough to bring my heart rate up. But for Joseph it is a magical experience involving lots of jumping and punching and spinning and superhero moves.

His favorite song right now is "Larger Than Life" by Backstreet Boys. That one was kind of an accident. He made up a little ditty called "Bu-uzz Lightyear to the Rescue" to the melody of the main instrumentation, and once Kevin and I recognized it we played the song to compare it. So now of course he loves it. We've cycled through worse songs, and we'll get through this too.

Matthew

Matthew loved his grandparents lots while we were in Utah, and he learned how to say "gamma" and "gan-pa" pretty well. Perhaps having two of each was confusing for him, because now he calls most adults "gamma" and "gan-pa." We can just be walking somewhere and walk past some man of any age and he starts shouting "gan-pa! gan-pa! gan-pa!" and I just have to hope they're not offended.

And then sometimes he mixes it up and calls men "gamma" or women "gan-pa." Every time Donald Trump shows up in the news, Matthew gets really excited and starts shouting, "Gamma! Gamma! Gamma!" And I just have to change the subject as fast as I can. Because I'm not teaching him his real name.

He's also mastered several animal sounds, though he gets cows and horses and neighs and moos pretty mixed up. There was a while where he wasn't eating much of anything that wasn't a grain, so it was a surprise when we put some chicken on his tray and he began to eat it. "Chicken!" he said happily. "Chicken! Cluck cluck!"

Ever since, he says "Cluck cluck" for any meat he's given. I don't know how much he really understands, but so far he seems to have no qualms.

Joy School

On the other hand, I feel like I opened a can of worms at the end of Joy School last week. We were reading books about Thanksgiving because the lesson was on gratitude (I know, we're way behind), and one page had a picture of the Pilgrims carrying a dead deer on a pole over to a fire or something.

Joseph's friend asked, "Why is that deer upside down?"
"They probably hunted it in the woods and now they tied it to that pole."
"What are they going to do to it?"
"It looks like they might take it to a fire and eat it. It'll be meat for them."
"What????" She looked shocked. "I didn't know meat came from animals!!!!"

Who says kids don't learn useful stuff at Joy School?

The whole day was really funny, actually. We started out by looking through some magazines and catalogs for things they were grateful for. Unfortunately, I hadn't planned ahead so most of our magazines were already out in recycling. I found a coat catalog, an engineering magazine, and a Michigan alumnus magazine. I gave some examples of things to cut out.

"I'm grateful for trees, so I'm cutting this tree out," I explained.
"I'm grateful for Legos," Joseph said. The Lego he had in mind had a very distressed face as it was an illustration for an article about mental illness, but I cut it out anyway.
"I'm grateful for rocks."
"I'm grateful for walls."
"I'm grateful for this coat. And this coat. And this coat."
"I'm grateful for that necklace."
"I'm grateful for that street."
"I'm grateful for that pink ribbon."

That ribbon was part of an illustration of an article about breast cancer research. The rest of the picture showed, well, a rendition of a mostly topless woman (tastefully done, I must add . . . it fit the purposes of the article without being graphic), covered mostly by that pink ribbon. I nixed the pink ribbon.

So that was our grateful day.

Primary

Keeping up my tradition of stellar teaching, I found out a half hour before church that I needed to sub for a Primary class. I wasn't too worried -- these were kids whose names I actually remembered, I'm not too bad at last-minute teaching, and I feel like in general I work well with kids. I had even spent some time the night before rereading The Happiest Toddler on the Block, so I clearly totally understood kids. So I scanned the lesson, grabbed a few supplies, and headed to church. In spare moments I worked on my puzzle and wordstrips, and I felt pretty good about things.

After a hectic Sharing Time, I followed the boys to their classroom. A few of them instantly darted under the table. I started to panic. I knew how to handle kids Joseph's age, and I knew how to handle 10-year-olds, but what about this in-between age?

"I'm going to count to 10 and I bet you guys can set up the chairs and sit in them by the time I'm done." I counted and by the time I was done they were all under the table. So I set up the chairs, looked them sternly in the eyes, and somehow got them in their seats for the lesson.

"I don't like that you're our teacher," one of them said. I tried to get them interested in the attention activity -- all the fun facts about Joseph Smith taped over his picture with lots of puzzle pieces. They kept pulling pieces off and not guessing Joseph Smith, and they were getting antsy. I decided it was time to reach down into my stores of knowledge.

"What do you guys know about volcanoes?"

Four or so minutes later, I had learned a lot more about volcanoes than I was anticipating.

Somehow I got them back on track (trying to ignore major glares from the volcano expert who could have talked forever), and told them about the volcano Tambora which had erupted, filling the sky with so much ash that 1816 was called "The Year With No Summer." And so Joseph Smith's family had to move from New Hampshire to New York! No, the volcano wasn't in New Hampshire. ("Most volcanoes are in the Ring of Fire in the Pacific and . . . ") It was just ash that filled the sky all around the world. Etc.

They got antsy again, and they headed under the table. I panicked again. Then I remembered a suggestion from the lesson to sing "Love at Home" since Joseph Smith's family loved each other. "I am going to sing until you guys all get back in your chairs." And I began. "There is beauty all around, when there's love at home." Most of them hurried back to their chairs, wincing and plugging their ears. So much for perfect pitch and voice lessons. It was pretty hard not to laugh.

One boy stayed under the table, unperturbed by my voice. Everyone begged him to please, please sit down already, but he stayed. I started into the second verse. I forgot how the third began, so I just started the first over again. "She's never going to stop!" one boy said in dismay. "She's just going to repeat it and repeat it forever!" Then the younger boy who technically wasn't even supposed to be in that class began to cry at that horrible prospect. I stopped. I could handle someone under the table better than tears.

So, on went the rest of the lesson. I showed them pictures from times we visited Palmyra and Kirtland to give them a sense of what things were like back then. We talked about what it was like to be farmers back then, with no electricity, no bathrooms, no cars. (They were most interested in the "no bathrooms" aspect and were very curious about what they did instead. I tried to not let them dwell on that.) I described all the hard work that went into a farm -- how they would have to plow and plant and weed --

"Ew!!! Weed is gross!" one boy said emphatically. So I got to explain how "weed" could be a verb. We went through the rest of the lesson (spending a little extra time on the infection in Joseph Smith's leg because they were pretty interested in that), and then all of a sudden I had run out of material! Oh no! The rest of the class was a mess of hangman and watching my homemade puzzle pieces get thrown around and trying to access any church video on my phone with no success. I double checked the lesson -- I had done everything the lesson suggested, and I thought with regret about all the junky old matching games I had just purged from the Primary cupboards last week. Although, who knows if they would have kept their attention anyway.

At any rate, we were all pretty glad when 12:30 rolled around.

Spanish Sunday School

Meanwhile, Kevin was doing what he does best -- using apps put out by the LDS church in intelligent ways. He had gone down with Matthew to the nursery to get him used to nursery, and also so he wouldn't have to teach Spanish Sunday School. But they found him, so he did what he always does when he's called upon to sub last minute in a foreign language -- pulls up the lesson in Spanish, reads it in Spanish, asks the questions in Spanish and sort of understands the answers people give in Spanish. So pretty much we're just the best teachers ever.

Cauliflower and Eclairs

(This one has nothing really to do with anything. Maybe it's just funny because I'm tired.)

I have paid a decent amount of attention to the women's marches, to the point that they made it into my subconscious. Last night I dreamed that I was in a march with my sisters, and one of them was handing out little sprigs of cauliflower to everyone she saw. Then I looked down at the table set up in the center of the march and it was full of eclairs and cream puffs. I don't think I held onto the cauliflower anymore and just piled my plate (where did I get a plate?) with cream puffs.

I'm not sure what the meaning is behind all this. Probably that I should eat more cauliflower, but I probably won't.

Texting

And, of course, the last win is that I texted my visiting teachee about herself. I meant to text my companion.

It really wasn't a bad text, just a "we had dinner and so I think that counts" kind of text that you could laugh off if you think eating dinner counts as visiting teaching and get offended by if you don't think it counts. (She's in the former category, thankfully.)

While this wasn't a win, I've definitely thought of way worse things I could have texted someone about themselves without realizing it, especially when visiting teaching is involved.

So, yeah. I guess I will put this in the win category. And it also fits in the "laugh at myself" category, just like the rest of life lately, which makes it a double win.

My talk 7/31/2016

Today, I gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting. After providing a brief intro about our family, here's what I had to say:

Before I get too far into the talk, I want to speak to the kids and toddlers first. Let me explain why. Last year I counted how many kids were in the ward and discovered 70 were ages 3 and younger. 70! And then 50 more in Junior Primary! Numbers might have changed, but probably not a ton. So, I think you Primary and nursery kids deserve a good chunk of attention since you make up a good chunk of the ward. So, Joseph, and all of Joseph’s friends, I just want to let you know that I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real, and they love you so much. And we can share their love with everybody, too! I also want you to know that your parents and grandparents and teachers love you so much too. Sometimes you might get mad at your mom or dad. Sometimes they might get mad at you. But because Jesus Christ died for us, we all can change our minds and be kind again! We can even become like Jesus someday!

If your kids are loud the rest of the time now, that's okay. That’s basically the whole talk in a nutshell.

[side note: I did notice it get a lot louder right after this. Mostly because Matthew started yelling and kept making noise the rest of the time.]

I also want to speak to those of you who, for whatever reason, may not feel like you fit the mold. Perhaps you are here for your first or second time, and this just feels totally new and strange -- though hopefully totally awesome too. Maybe you are here without some or all of your family. Maybe you are battling health challenges, or struggling with various needs in loved ones. Maybe you are hearing this from the hallway, wondering why on earth you're even coming when you are only getting a few drops of goodness here and there. Perhaps you are coming even though the church no longer brings you the joy you thought it should.

If you fit into any of these categories, please know that I think you are brave and amazing, and the rest of us have so much to learn from you. Thank you for being here. I have the same message for you as I did for the Primary kids -- Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real, and they love you so much! And one of the wonderful things about being a member of this church is the many ways we can receive that love and learn how to really love God and all of His children.

One of the ways we express and receive that love is through covenants, which are sacred agreements we make with God. The first covenant that brings us into the church is baptism. As explained in the Gospel Principles manual, "We covenant with the Savior at baptism to take upon ourselves His name." We thus become His representatives on earth, becoming part of His church, remembering Him in our day to day lives, bearing each other's burdens, and standing as a witness of God.  Then, in the temple we make covenants which bring us from a fallen world back into the presence of God. And then, the final covenant is the marriage covenant, in which we decide that we love another one of God's children enough to be stuck with them for the rest of forever.

Each of these covenants creates ties between us and someone else. With these covenants we attach ourselves to our church, our God, and individuals. Today I was asked to talk about being covenant people and how we can better dedicate our lives to God and to His Children.

The first step in becoming a covenant people is to consecrate, or dedicate, your life to the Lord.  Consecration means loving God more than anything in the world. The Savior taught that the first and great commandment is "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:37) The second commandment is like unto it, which is loving our neighbor, but, as President Monson said, "We cannot fully love our fellowmen if we do not love God, the Father of us all." (Love, the Essence of the Gospel)

Why is it not enough to love our neighbors? Why can't we just perform acts of service and be good listeners and call it good?

The reason for me is that if I try to be good without loving God first, I end up focusing on myself. These acts do not glorify God which is in heaven (Matthew 5:16) but instead turn into a chance to prove to myself that I am righteous enough. It is when I love God first that I forget about my own pride and provide the love that my friends and family really need.

But how can we love God? How can we consecrate our time and talents to God without feeling overwhelmed by what might be required?

I think the answer is gratitude. I like what Suzy Stein said a few weeks ago. "When we are in a place of gratitude, we have a sense of abundance rather than a sense of scarcity. When we recognize that we are abundantly blessed, we are naturally more inclined to reach out to others, to help and bless our brothers and sisters, because we feel we have something to give."

The thing we can be most grateful for is Jesus Christ's Atonement. He loves us enough that He suffered every sin and temptation for us so He can rescue us when we fall. When we are filled with gratitude for this incredible gift, we realize that it is worth giving up all of our sins to know Him (Alma 22:18).

Sometimes those sins are large, but often the small ones do just as effective of a job from blocking us from feeling God's love. More often than I care to admit, I've done things that I shouldn't. I've been too impatient, or I've judged people unfairly. When I'm in those circumstances, I've found there are two options.

Option A: Justify my new position as the correct position. People need to change to meet me where I am. Prayers need to be answered the way I want, usually with other people changing. Luckily, before long, the dissonance I feel living like this leads me to 

Option B. I realize that, like Paul, "It is hard to kick against the pricks." It’s time to repent. One time in particular, I was upset over a long list of incidents where I felt like I had been treated unfairly over and over again. And, you know, maybe I was. But while I was in my state of unrighteous indignation, a whisper sneaked into my heart. "Is it possible that you are wrong, too?" I suddenly realized that no matter how I had been treated, I was not acting in a way that was aligned with God's will for me. I may have been wronged, but more importantly, I was wrong. I was suddenly filled with immense desire to no longer be wrong anymore. I began to plead with God to forgive me, and I was filled with an immense amount of love that changed my outlook on the situation. It didn't fix everything immediately, but it gave me the strength and wisdom to handle the situation better.

I've had other experiences where I have felt rescued by God's grace. Sometimes the rescue isn't necessarily about sin. Sometimes His grace has come on days where I am ready to explode or throw the towel in. His love is there for me to borrow, along with a whisper of, "you should let yourself get more sleep" or "you should ask someone for help." Repentance is a chance to improve all areas of our life to be closer to God and His glorious light. 

As we grow closer to God by consecrating our lives to Him, we will have to give things up. This has been absolutely terrifying to me. I've often thought of a quote from a novel by Shannon Hale to describe my fear in giving up things I'm used to: "She's a thornbush protecting a hare that's too skinny to eat." The hare that's too skinny to eat might be a bad habit or some other shortcoming, but to give it up seems like giving up a part of myself. But, as the monk Thomas Merton said,

"We are only really ourselves when we completely consent to "receive" the glory of God into ourselves. Our true self is, then, the self that receives freely and gladly the missions that are God's supreme gift to his [children]" (New Seeds of Contemplation, 42)

Like Lucy Teichert said last week, I think it's okay to feel sad about sacrifices we are asked to make. But, ultimately, we need to make those sacrifices to become closer to God and to each other. This is what it means to be a covenant people -- to be willing to give up our pride, our desires, our popularity, and our power -- because we know that Christ has engraved us on His palms and we in turn can engrave His image in our countenance. As He covenanted with Abraham, He will be our God and we will be His people, and the joy we feel when we recognize His grace will give us the courage to truly follow Him.

One thing I've realized about the Atonement that helps me keep my covenants better is that it is not only about becoming one with God but also becoming one with each other. Just as there is a gap between us and God, there are gaps between us and everyone else. Given enough time, enough sleep deprivation, enough colds and headaches, and enough hunger, we will rub each other wrong. It is one of the most wonderful things about living in close quarters with people for a little while. Why? Because it is a great chance to see the Atonement in action. Will we set aside our differences to understand each other's point of view? Will we set aside our judgments to comfort those in need of comfort? Will we set aside our pride to apologize to those we have offended? It is often after these experiences that we learn the most about love and the most about grace.

Just as we must learn to love those closest to us, we must also develop the spiritual muscles to know how to reach outside our immediate circle. This can be difficult because we have so many of our own stresses and concerns. With so many other demands on our attention, it can be easy to forget, as Elder Maxwell said, “the hands which hang down and most need to be lifted up” that “belong to those too discouraged even to reach out anymore." (Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father)

How do we learn how to lift the hands which hang down?

A recent Facebook post from Elder D. Todd Christofferson offers some ideas. "Others will know and feel of our love and Heavenly Father’s love for them when we simply remember them. Something as small as a letter, a text message, or a phone call can be a great blessing. Being there to celebrate significant achievements or to grieve during times of loss make a lasting impression that will lift those in need and bring us closer together and closer to our Heavenly Father. . . .

These are some simple examples of keeping our baptismal covenants to “bear one another’s burdens,” “mourn with those that mourn,” and “comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”"

To be honest, this may seem easier to do with people who are in similar life circumstances. But as Bishop Gerald Causse said, "It is very likely that the next person converted to the gospel in your ward will be someone who does not come from your usual circle of friends and acquaintances." (No More Strangers, 2013) And they deserve our love and attention too. This has sometimes been tricky for me as I've listened to problems completely outside the realm of my experience because I've had no well of empathy I can draw from. What are we supposed to do then?

I'm comforted by Alma 7:12-13 which states that Christ "will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people."

We do not have to be the ultimate source of empathy. Christ has already taken it on Himself, and the Spirit knows all things. Thus, the closer we are to the Spirit, the closer we can be to the source of all healing. As Sister Neill F. Marriott said,

"With the help of the Holy Ghost, we can create an emotionally healing place for the discriminated against, the rejected, and the stranger. In these tender yet powerful ways, we build the kingdom of God. . . . [A]ll of us came to earth with these life-giving, nurturing, maternal gifts because that is God’s plan." (Neill L. Marriott, "What Shall We Do?")

I’ve often wondered how I can bring the Holy Ghost more into my life so I can be prepared to build the kingdom in these ways. Here are some questions I’ve considered as I attempt to draw closer to God and His Spirit.

1-Rather than spending my free time in the evenings getting lost in various distractions, could I instead do other tasks that typically take up daytime hours? Could I make time for more temple work and service by using all hours better?

2-Similarly, am I willing to do things which draw me closer to God, such as study my scriptures better, work on family history, and really pray?

3-In my various day-to-day duties, such as chores or taking care of kids, can I remember God and consecrate my work to him?

4-Can I show more gratitude for all that God has given me, especially in times of trial?

I believe these will changes help us recognize the Holy Ghost better. I've also considered the following questions as I've wondered how to serve God's children better and create an emotionally healing place for them.

1-Can I learn how to engage in meaningful conversation -- learning how to not interrupt or just talk about myself -- so I can really learn to listen to those around me?

2-Can I serve them in the ways they most need rather than the ways I am accustomed to?

3-Can I go to church events not just in automatic mode, but instead actively reach out and get to know people there?

4-Do I have the courage to reach out in the community, especially to those who I may feel like I have little in common with?

5-Am I brave enough to share my beliefs, even when I face skepticism or exclusion as the result?

6-Do I have enough faith to share the gospel even when I don't tangibly feel the joy I know it can provide? Can I be both genuine and hopeful?

I admit that the answer to many of these questions has been "nope," but I can keep repenting, and so can you! Although it will take courage to love people beyond a superficial level and to actively share our testimony of Christ through words and actions, I promise it will bless their lives and our lives in so many ways. The world needs people faithful in their testimony of Jesus Christ far more than it needs people who are good at being fun and relatable. As Elder Maxwell said, if we are valiant, "[We] could touch others deeply instead of merely being remembered pleasantly." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father") 

Thank you all for being this kind of friend to our family, the kind that has touched us deeply (though we will remember you pleasantly, too.)  Thank you to all of you for nurturing us while we've lived here. Thank you for bearing our burdens and comforting us through times of sadness. Thank you for feeding us, for watching our kids, for encouraging us, for including us, and for making space for us in your hearts. I have learned so much about charity by experiencing it firsthand.

I know that this kind of love is possible because we have Heavenly Parents and a Savior who operate the universe with this kind of love. I know we have a loving God because He sent His Son Jesus Christ to earth, and it is because of Him that I can hope to be with Heavenly Father again someday. It is because of Christ that we will see our families after we die, and it is because of Christ that we will even want to be with them. As D&C 130:2 states, "And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy."

I am so grateful for our covenants that give us a taste of that eternal glory. I am grateful that Joseph Smith trusted God to answer his questions, and that God trusted him to restore His priesthood power to the earth. I know that that power is real, and I know that this church still holds the keys to the priesthood. I know that there is life after death, and that temple ordinances really bless those who have passed on. I know that when we have holes in our hearts or testimonies, or gaps between us and God or us and each other, Christ's grace will fill in the holes and the gaps, for He is mighty to save.

  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Joseph Smith

For years, I have wanted to understand Joseph Smith -- to really understand him. I grew up in a home which was fairly open about church history, with books by Juanita Brooks, Maurine Whipple, and even Fawn Brodie on the shelves. (I think that last one was primarily for family history purposes, since it was my great-grandma's sister who wrote it.) My mom spent her time in college doing research for a religion professor on Joseph Smith's plural wives, my grandpa writes unapologetic books about early pioneers, and I have learned of ancestors who interacted with him, for better or for worse. So there was no whitewashed Joseph Smith in my home.

Even so, there have always been surprises about Joseph Smith around every corner. Over the past few years, I have learned about multiple First Vision accounts, similar documents to the Book of Mormon from the early 1800s, translations attributed to Joseph Smith that really weren't translations, and a myriad of other facts that cause people to wonder and even doubt.

In many ways, I feel incredibly lucky that I've been able to turn to my family and to historians rather than online support when questions arise. I have never had the desire nor need to turn to Mormon Stories or other similar sources when I have had serious concerns. For example, when confronted with the sparse 1832 account of Joseph's First Vision, rather than wondering if he elaborated the vision as the years went by, I can say, "He was a lousy writer, particularly back in 1832. The dictated account of Section 76 in the Doctrine and Covenants, also written in 1832, strongly supports a view of the Godhead, same as later accounts of the First Vision, so he must not have made up that doctrine later as some people suggest."

But I won't deny that getting to this point has taken a lot of work, going from biography to biography, each a bit less idealized. Names such as William Law and John C. Bennett, Sarah Pratt and Helen Mar Kimball are familiar now. While some details will probably be never fully revealed, I have learned enough to come to three important conclusions:

1. Joseph Smith was not perfect. Not by any means.
2. He loved God enough to make confusing, terrible sacrifices that broke his heart and ultimately ended his life.
3. He was a prophet of God. He did the things he said he did, and he restored Jesus Christ's church to the earth.

Now, a biography won't necessarily let you know that 3. is true. And, really, none of the biographies have been as convincing for me as Joseph Smith's own words and teachings. It is in these words that I find truth, that I find light and joy and hope.

And so, in honor of today marking 170 years since his martyrdom in Carthage, Illinois, I have decided to share some of my favorite teachings from Joseph Smith. (I have specifically chosen most from the Doctrine and Covenants because most of that book actually consists of revelations where Christ is speaking to or through Joseph, and it's always wonderful to hear from Christ.)

• D&C 4:7 -- "Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." I can't even keep track of how many times this concept showed up in the Doctrine and Covenants, and I decided to just share the first instance rather than some of the more eloquent iterations. At any rate, I love it. I love that we have this open relationship with God through prayer and scripture study. We really can get answers.
• D&C 18:10-11 -- "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him." We often focus on how "backwards" early Church leaders were, especially when it came to racist policies. But verses like these remind me that for all their shortcomings, these leaders still knew that all human beings were children of God, and that we all have worth.
• D&C 24:8 -- "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days." Christ isn't sugarcoating things -- life is hard! But Christ is with us through it all, especially when we let Him into our lives.
• D&C 29:34 -- "Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal; neither any man, nor the children of men; neither Adam, your father, whom I created." Although this may seem like an odd favorite verse, it reminds me that the tangible matters just as much as the spiritual. In church and in the temple, it is often the tangible and temporal (and itchy) that I notice the most, and sometimes I wonder why sacred ordinances have to be surrounded by the mundane so much. But this verse reminds me that having a physical body is a blessing, and there is so much to be learned from seemingly temporal commandments.
• D&C 35:2 -- "I am Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who was crucified for the sins of the world, even as many as will believe on my name, that they may become the sons of God, even one in me as I am one in the Father, as the Father is one in me, that we may be one." This joined the ranks of favorite verses nearly a decade ago. I love the way reconciliation is taught -- Christ performed the At-One-Ment to make us one with Him and the Father. Also, when I was in high school, this verse somehow cleared up issues I had been having for months about when God spoke in the scriptures. Although it is one of only many, many verses which describe Christ's sacrifice for us, it is one of the most meaningful to me for that reason.
• D&C 42:46 -- "And it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them." I love the idea that death is sweet to those who love Christ.
• D&C 43:6-7 -- "And this I give unto you that you may not be deceived, that you may know they are not of me. For verily I say unto you, that he that is ordained of me shall come in at the gate and be ordained as I have told you before, to teach those revelations which you have received and shall receive through him whom I have appointed." Although this isn't necessarily a "sweet" doctrine like the last few, I love this because it lays out how to avoid deception. There are so many voices vying for my attention, and I am so grateful for reminders like these.
• D&C 45:3-5 -- "Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him—  Saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life." Speaks for itself.
• D&C 58:42-43 -- "Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more. By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them." -- I love that God will not hold our sins against us when we repent. I also love that He gives us a basic blueprint on how to repent.
• D&C 82:10 -- "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." Although I like the idea that the Lord is not a "tame lion" (as described in Chronicles of Narnia), I also like that He is a fair one. I feel like this verse sums up the history of the Old Testament and Book of Mormon, and gives me encouragement to keep my covenants.
• D&C 88:11-13 -- "And the light which shineth, which giveth you light, is through him who enlighteneth your eyes, which is the same light that quickeneth your understandings; Which light proceedeth forth from the presence of God to fill the immensity of space— The light which is in all things, which giveth life to all things, which is the law by which all things are governed, even the power of God who sitteth upon his throne, who is in the bosom of eternity, who is in the midst of all things." Okay, this might seem a little strange if you're not used to language like this. But as a musician and amateur composer, I love it. I love that you can usually recognize a composer's work by the characteristics found in the piece (I always write arpeggios). And so I love that you can recognize Christ's work by the light which is in it.  He is simply so good and glorious that everything He touches has light, including us.
• D&C 93. All of it! This is another chapter that describes light and grace and truth in beautiful ways. I also love that it explains how the mortal Jesus of Nazareth came to learn he was the Christ. Read it!
• D&C 101:27-31 -- "And in that day whatsoever any man shall ask, it shall be given unto him.  And in that day Satan shall not have power to tempt any man. And there shall be no sorrow because there is no death. In that day an infant shall not die until he is old; and his life shall be as the age of a tree; And when he dies he shall not sleep, that is to say in the earth, but shall be changed in the twinkling of an eye, and shall be caught up, and his rest shall be glorious." This is speaking about the Millennium, the time after Christ's Second Coming. Whether or not we live long enough to see it, isn't it nice to know what nice conditions are planned for that time?
• D&C 112:10 -- "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers." This is just one of many instances where we are promised that the Lord will lead us and stay with us, and I love how gentle He sounds.
• D&C 121:41-43 -- "No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;" There are many important concepts in these verses and the ones surrounding it, but what I love most for my life is how good of a guide this is as a parent. If you have to flaunt your authority to get someone to obey you, then you really aren't a leader at all.
• D&C 130:1-2 -- "When the Savior shall appear we shall see him as he is. We shall see that he is a man like ourselves. And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy." This makes mortal life so much more meaningful. Heaven is going to be something we recognize, and it will be full of people we recognize. This means that every interaction we have, whether it be with neighbors, bank tellers, or the people at the other table in the restaurant, needs to be full of charity, otherwise we will probably be a little embarrassed someday in the eternities.
• D&C 137:7-10 -- "Thus came the voice of the Lord unto me, saying: All who have died without a knowledge of this gospel, who would have received it if they had been permitted to tarry, shall be heirs of the celestial kingdom of God; Also all that shall die henceforth without a knowledge of it, who would have received it with all their hearts, shall be heirs of that kingdom; For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts. And I also beheld that all children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven." Well, I'm a fan of as many people getting into heaven as possible, and this seems like a fairly open policy. And, yay for all kids getting in!
  

Almost done! There are just four more verses from the Pearl of Great Price that I wanted to share. (I decided against sharing the ones I love from the Book of Mormon, because that would have taken way too long. Maybe another time. Same with the Bible [today was just about scripture Joseph Smith introduced].)

• Moses 1:39 --  "For this is my work and my glory -- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Everything God does is for us! (Does that mean that in turn, everything we do should be for Him?)
• Moses 5:11 -- "And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient." So, Eve often gets a bad rap, but this alternate telling of Adam and Eve makes it pretty clear she made a good choice, even with all the hardship it caused. (Fyi, the Book of Moses is basically a re-translation of the first several chapters of Genesis. It's cool.) As a woman, I find this verse incredibly empowering.
• Abraham 3:22 -- "Now the Lord had shown unto me, Abraham, the intelligences that were organized before the world was; and among all these there were many of the noble and great ones;" Although this isn't the only scripture that suggests we lived before we were born (see Jeremiah 1:5, for example), it is probably the most clear. And I love it! I love that we existed before we were in mortal bodies. When you see tiny tiny babies, so sleepy and yet so full of personality, it just makes so much sense that they are older than they appear. It means there is more to us than we can even imagine.
• Article of Faith 1:9 -- "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God."  This verse is just so full of excitement. God has so much more to teach us! At the same time, isn't it interesting that He has already consistently taught us what matters most -- repent and come unto Christ? Interesting how that works.

As you can probably tell, I love what Joseph Smith taught. And it's for this reason that I can say I love Joseph Smith, even though I will never fully understand him. I am grateful that I have felt the urge to learn more about Joseph Smith from external sources, because it has helped me gain perspective and helped me increase in faith in God, who is willing and able to work through people as flawed as Joseph Smith.

But I am even more grateful that I have been able to learn from Joseph Smith. Much as I try to avoid any form of hero worship, I am not ashamed to sing "Praise to the man who communed with Jehovah." For it is largely thanks to Joseph Smith's inspired teachings that I have the relationship with Christ that I do. The scriptures he introduced provide verification of truth taught in the Bible as well as other truth that increases my faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior. He was, to the end, a witness of Christ.

And in the end, that's what matters most about Joseph Smith.

The Blessing of Inconvenience

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the commandments and why we focus on them so much. Some may argue that every second spent talking about family history or tithing or (heaven forbid) food storage is one less second we spend talking about Christ and His Atonement. Thus, they continue, we should rarely talk about commandments. And for that matter, why worry about them at all? Can't we just accept Christ and be a nice person, and that's enough?

As I've thought about why we focus so much on commandments, I've come up with various reasons as to why they're important.

• "In this there is safety and peace." If you keep the commandments, you are protected in a myriad of ways. Your life will be free of so much filth, addiction, and heartache.
• They change us to become more Christlike. As we try to keep them, we must be continually repenting and striving to be better, relying on the merits of Christ. This process humbles us and transforms us to become more like Him.
• "If ye love me, keep my commandments." What's the point of accepting Christ if you don't do what He says? As He said, "Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven" (Matthew 7:21).

I feel like that's a pretty convincing list as to why to keep the commandments. But there is a question that I've pondered a bit -- why are there so many to start with? Why does the Church try to invade our lives so much? Isn't it a good thing to not be commanded in all things, as the Lord says in D&C 58:26?

One answer to that has come thanks to my study of covenants in the Old Testament and Book of Mormon. Growing up, I thought the Law of Moses was sort of a punishment for the children of Israel. You can't be good for a month and a half while Moses is up in the mountains? No spare ribs for you!

While there's some truth to that, what I'm beginning to realize is that the Law of Moses was in fact a major blessing for the Israelites. The Old Testament CES Student Manual says in Chapter 15,

"If the dietary code is seen both symbolically and as part of a system of laws that covered all the customary acts of life, it becomes apparent how it served. God was using the diet as a teaching tool. People may forget or neglect prayer, play, work, or worship, but they seldom forget a meal. By voluntarily abstaining from certain foods or by cooking them in a special way, one made a daily, personal commitment to act in one’s faith. At every meal a formal choice was made, generating quiet self-discipline. Strength comes from living such a law, vision from understanding it. Further, the law served to separate the Hebrews from their Canaanite neighbors. Each time they got hungry they were forcibly reminded of personal identity and community bond. Indeed, they belonged to a people set apart."

That is, the Law of Moses was set up so that people kept bumping into it. And the more you bump into a law, the more likely you are to remember the Maker of the law. Even though the Nephites recognized the Law of Moses as a dead law, they still kept it, for as Jacob said, "Behold, [the holy prophets] believed in Christ and worshiped the Father in his name, and also we worship the Father in his name. And for this intent we keep the law of Moses, it pointing our souls to him; and for this cause it is sanctified unto us for righteousness, even as it was accounted unto Abraham in the wilderness to be obedient unto the commands of God in offering up his son Isaac, which is a similitude of God and his Only Begotten Son"  (Jacob 4:5).

What about us? We don't have the Law of Moses, but we sure have a lot of commandments. There are dress and grooming standards. There's the Word of Wisdom. There's Sabbath day observance, which includes 3 hours of church which can sometimes be boring. There's a tenth of your money gone to fund BYU and missionaries and church buildings, and you have to rearrange your budget accordingly. If some of these commandments are inconvenient, guess what? That's one of the best things about them! If a shirt you're wearing just won't cover you quite enough and you have to pick another, that's a blessing. It's an opportunity for you to remember Christ and the covenants you've made with Him. If there's something you would like to buy at the store on a Sunday, you've bumped into Christ and His commandments again, and you should be grateful for the encounter. If it's been really difficult for you to set up your home or visiting teaching this month, you're being blessed with inconvenience and an opportunity to endure in spite of it. If you find yourself a bit at odds with the prophet, you've run into an opportunity to remember Christ and be humble enough to accept His servants as His mouthpiece today.

This is not to say, of course, that you should start making up arbitrary commandments so you can inconvenience yourself. Jacob has words to say about that, too: "Wherefore, because of their blindness, which blindness came by looking beyond the mark, they must needs fall; for God hath taken away his plainness from them, and delivered unto them many things which they cannot understand, because they desired it. And because they desired it God hath done it, that they may stumble" (Jacob 4:14, emphasis added). But while we shouldn't make up new commandments or read too much into existing ones, we can do better at keeping the ones we've got, especially the open-ended ones such as service, scripture study, and prayer. In these cases, inconvenience is the key to growth.

Three final thoughts. If you are someone for whom the commandments are just plain hard and demanding, consider yourself blessed. As President Holland said in The Inconvenient Messiah, "It is not easy to go without—without physical gratifications or spiritual assurances or material possessions—but sometimes we must since there is no guarantee of convenience written into our Christian covenant." Yet the more difficult the assignment -- an assignment to persist in the gospel despite the assurance or temporal blessings that seem to come to others, the greater the reward that will come to you in the end.


If you are someone who really dreads talks on things that aren't the core doctrines of the gospel, try to look for Christ in them. After all, "The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator" (Alma 30:44). "All things" includes commandments, even the ones about food storage.


And if you're wondering how you can better keep your baptismal covenant to always remember Him, I recommend paying more attention to the covenant to keep His commandments. You'll bump into Him there.

Pioneers

When I was little, I loved pioneers.

Leslie, my cousin Megan, and I played pioneers almost every time we got together (the rest of the time we played orphaned princesses or petitioned President Lincoln to save our beloved park). At Megan's house we would play Oregon Trail II; at ours we would play Oregon Trail I or III. When we got a little older and more prolific, we had this game called Pioneer Diaries where we would sit at the computer and take turns writing journal entries about our days as pioneers. Here's my favorite excerpt (I don't think Leslie and I were getting along this day):

Megan (aka Melissa): “Father blessed me before he died. He said that if I would hold to the iron rod I would be able to endure.”
Kyra (aka Katherine): “Father blessed me. He said that if I would hold to the iron rod I would become great and marry a wonderful, righteous man.”
Leslie (aka Jolie): “Katherine is sweet, but she is a few feet down the iron rod. I mean that in the best way possible.”


But that wasn't all. Megan read Work and the Glory at the age of like 8, so I had to read Work and the Glory (or at least read the family charts in the later books so I would know who died without actually having to read them). I loved Pioneer Day because it meant I got to dress up as a pioneer. I loved the Heritage section of the Children's Songbook and loved the "Utah, This is the Place" tape with its songs about pioneers.  I loved pioneers.

During the sesquicentennial celebration. My mom is wearing a 70s prom dress.

That all changed in 2005. 2005 was the year of pioneer and church history overload. It was the year of Joseph Smith's 200th birthday, but since his birthday was at the end of the year we had to celebrate the entire year. It was the year my stake went on trek to Martin's Cove. It was the year we studied Doctrine and Covenants in Sunday School. It was the year my family had to sing a pioneer medley that I had to arrange (actually, it was pretty good . . . wish I remembered it) and I had to give a talk about pioneers. It was the year of the Day of Celebration all about Joseph Smith and pioneers (not that I participated since I was at EFY, which also seemed to be about pioneers). It was the year that every fireside and every talk in General Conference was either about Joseph Smith or the Martin and Willie handcart companies. By the end of that year I was sick and tired of pioneers.


But now . . . now I like pioneers again. As I've learned more about my pioneer ancestry I've come to appreciate them as real people who had to do really hard things. I know that we often say that the pioneers' trials were physical whereas ours were spiritual, but I don't know that that's true. It seems like they had to deal with plenty of spiritual trials of their own. The 1800s weren't PG-rated, after all. 


Furthermore, they certainly weren't perfect. As I've learned more about Kevin's side of the family, I've learned that there were pioneers who worked with his ancestors who were downright annoying and disagreeable. There have been pioneers who have turned out to be spoiled and entitled (Ann Eliza Dee Webb Young Denning, anyone?). But there were also many selfless, brave, and faithful pioneers who basically built the West and turned a desert into a home.


In fact,I feel like their accomplishments after arriving in Utah are just as incredible as their arrival in Utah. When I was younger I thought the pioneers were great just because they walked across the plains. But now I think their main contribution was what they built -- the cities, the forts, the schools, the tabernacles, the temples. They did this despite all the persecution, this time from the US Government itself. They left us a heritage that extends beyond the handcarts and covered wagons.


I think this is why my favorite pioneer hymn is "They, the Builders of the Nation" (I know . . . not Come, Come Ye Saints, though that's a close second).

They the builders of the nation, blazing trails along the way;

Stepping stones of generations were their deeds of every day.

Building new and firm foundations, pushing on the wild frontier,

Forging onward, ever onward, blessed honored Pioneer!

Happy Pioneer Day!

ps: here's a little video I made for Pioneer Day last year.

The Dilemma of the CES

Wow, pregnancy has really made me have opinions on everything lately! My latest opinions are thanks to the recent article in which Randy Bott said some . . . interesting things. His remarks reminded me of a great feeling of frustration I felt with seminary and religion teachers late last year.

Don't get me wrong. The CES is a wonderful system and has really changed the lives of many many young people in the church. And most everything I learned in seminary and religion classes was good and true and appropriate.

But of course, the things that weren't good or true or appropriate are unfortunately what stick.
What is my main classification for things that fit into those categories? Things that aren't official Church doctrine.

There was the time where we were learning about the Plan of Salvation and had the promise of being able to create any kind of planet we wanted if we were good ("I'm going for a snowboarding planet," our teacher said.) There was the teacher who handed out a paper with various statements and asked us to guess if those were things the prophet had said. Turned out all of the items on the list were things prophets had said . . . some of them incredibly dated or said before they were even the prophet. (For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure BYU would not have birth control available at the Health Center if it were blatantly against church policy.) There was the time when I went straight from AP Biology where I learned about evolution and it seemed reasonable and fascinating and true to a seminary class where evolution was set up to be a dirty, horrible lie. And then there were the Mormon rumor mill stories such as sightings of Moroni.

And the problem didn't go away when I went to BYU. It was there I learned that the last appropriate Disney movie was Pinocchio, that UFOs visited Earth to visit the place where Christ lived, and . . . well, I won't go into everything Brother Robinson said (though I still like his book). Furthermore, there was a kind of confidence many professors exuded that seemed to imply "I am a smart professor so I know all the answers to every hard question in the gospel."

So, I've been a little bugged about CES since I remembered all of those grievances. Is it entirely possible that when we go to heaven we get to have a snowboarding planet? Yes! Is it probably a good motivation for bored teenagers to pay a little bit more attention in seminary? Yes! But does that mean it should be taught? I'm not so sure about that. It seems like the media attaches itself to our more "obscure" doctrines, the ones that sound weird without context. To spend a lot of time teaching them only aggravates the problem. The reason this bothers me is because there are good people who would want to hear more about the Church but are turned off by the "weird" things they hear about us out of context.

I think what bothers me the most is that the CES has such an influence on what members believe. Teenagers just don't pay attention in Sunday School, so the only time you can catch them is in seminary. Once you get to college, Sunday School is full of comments such as, "My teacher in New Testament said . . . " Once you get to a family ward and go to normal adult Sunday School, well, there are so many out there things that people say that you have to have a good understanding of the gospel to not get wrapped around the axle. Essentially, a lot of people's understanding of the gospel comes from seminary, institute, and religion teachers.

In addition to this huge responsibility, there's also the added requirement that seminary and religion teachers answer the "hard questions." General Authorities have said that they only answer the general questions, but for young people that's often not enough. So, they turn to their seminary teachers or to Brother Bott to get the specific answers and explanations.

And therein lies the root of the problem which was made manifest this week. When you are expected to answer a lot of hard questions and you answer a lot of them quite well, you may not notice when you are completely wrong about something.

Take blacks and the priesthood, for instance. I recognized what Brother Bott said about race because it was based on what Bruce R. McConkie said in "Mormon Doctrine." I remember pulling that old cream book off the shelf when I was 14 or so and happening to open up to that page. "That's really weird," I remember thinking. Then I checked the copyright page where it said "This is not an official publication of the Church" and life made sense again. My suspicion is that Elder McConkie was trying to explain why blacks couldn't have the priesthood based purely on scripture rather than looking at the history and seeing how the policy crept into the Church. And then Brother Bott used his ideas and let them become his own opinion, and then made the mistake of sharing them with the press, especially without approval. (Now for my unauthorized opinion: I personally have met so many valiant black people that I have trouble believing that they were somehow less faithful during the premortal existence. I think race is a function of how close to the equator people lived, not a punishment or reward, and definitely not a punishment for something Ham did way back when.)

What am I getting at? I think I'll end with a plea. Please, current and future seminary, institute, and religion teachers, please don't delve into speculation. The Church has spent so much effort trying to bring us back into the core doctrines (think 2 years of "Gospel Principles" in RS/EQ) and I don't want it to be in vain. Please realize that you have a huge responsibility and that the youth of the church will remember and believe what you say. Please teach by the Spirit rather than teaching what sounds cool. Above all, please remember this quote by Joseph Smith:
The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.

Nurturing

I just got back from visiting teaching. The lesson was entitled "Guardians of the Hearth" and it discussed nurturing. One of the quotes was from President Hinckley where he said,
 “You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God.”

Quotes like this have sometimes troubled me for a variety of reasons. The first reason is the huge amount of responsibility I feel when I read about nurturing. You see, I may have a slight phobia of babies. I like them, but I've never been one to go out of my way to pick them up or play with them. While some of my friends became aunts or uncles when they were about 8 years old, I was 8 years old the last time I really spent much time with a little baby (my youngest brother). I didn't do too much babysitting, and even when I babysat younger cousins or nieces or nephews I never felt like I was the primary one taking care of the babies.

So, to hear that I have the divine role of nurturing feels like a great burden. Especially with a little baby boy coming in about 3 months.

And goodness knows that I'm not the only woman who feels this way. I think there are a lot of women in the Church who get almost annoyed when they hear that they're "supposed" to be good at nurturing. "But what about the rest of  my skill set?" they wonder. "Why do 75-year-old men feel like they can pigeonhole me into a corner with what my personality and skills are supposed to be?"

To some extent, I've sort of felt that way. But I said something while I was visiting teaching that surprised me. I said, "What President Hinckley's saying is that nurturing is part of our divine role, even if it's not part of our personality."

Thing is, there are lots and lots of things we are asked to do that we just plain aren't good at. Many men don't feel like they're cut out to be Young Men's President because they don't feel fun enough. Many women don't feel charitable enough to be Relief Society President. And then there are the less temporary callings, like being a parent, which no one is actually qualified for.

But the point is, if God calls us to do something, then He will give us the capability to accomplish it. Furthermore, sometimes He tells us we are good at something or that we're supposed to do something, not because we're actually good at it, but because we can become good at it.

So even though I'm scared about taking on a new responsibility of nurturing my own children, I can have the confidence that I'll be prepared for it because it is my divine role.