Wise and Happy

Oh, I'd known for a few months that Kevin was going to be in Belgium for 11 days, but I had chosen not to think about it at all. There were other things to get through -- his trip to Hawaii, our trip to Utah, a four-hour meeting the day he left -- so it wasn't really until he left Joseph with me at the church and left for the airport that it really sunk in. He was gone. And I had no clue what I was going to do for the next week and a half.

We had brainstormed a bit before he left. "Maybe you could hang out with [friend 1]."
"She'll be in Virginia."
"Friend 2?"
"Also Virginia."
"Friend 3?"
"Actually, she's still in Virginia too."
"Friend 4?"
"Toronto."
"Friend 5?"
"Still not back yet."
"Friend 6?"
"Latvia, I think."
"Maybe you could get to know our next-door neighbors better."
"They just moved today. Back to Singapore."

Once Joseph and I walked into the dark, empty apartment, the magnitude of the isolation really started to weigh down on me. How were we going to make it through the next 11 days?

Well, we did! This was largely thanks to a quote by President Hinckley: "You can be wise and happy or stupid and miserable." Each time a decision came up, I learned to think, "Is this wise or stupid? Will I be happy or miserable?" Eventually I learned to usually pick the wise decisions, and things were better.

Throughout it all (though mostly early on), I did make some miserable decisions, such as these:

• Not giving Joseph medicine at the first signs of pain. He ended up cutting a molar the first few days and then had a sore throat the next few thanks to a cold we both caught, and it was the worst, especially when I hesitated.
• Getting mad. I came to realize that it was a choice, even if sometimes it was a choice that was really easy to make. And even though I was often justified in my anger, I felt better once I chose to be happy. (And then I would feel sheepish for ever being mad.)
• Not going shopping soon enough. We still had plenty of food for Sunday, but since none of it was the right food (eg strawberries or any other produce) it was stressful.
• Staying up late. I have no idea why I stayed up so late every night, but I did. And it was pointless. And usually boring. And it means that the days Joseph wanted to play starting around 6:20 in the morning were days that I was kind of grumpy.
• Eating food that Joseph had staked his claim on (such as a single chip or a sleeve of Ritz crackers). Usually I didn't know he had claimed it until I had chewed a little bit, but I learned to always ask.

Luckily, with President Hinckley's voice ringing in my ears, I was able to make better decisions too, such as these:

• Asking for help. Although my friend pool was seriously diminished, it was not depleted! (This is one of the best parts about being part of a ward . . . there are so many people to turn to.) Although I stopped short of admitting that Kevin was out of town on Facebook (I'm a little paranoid), I made sure people knew. If people offered dinner or babysitting, I said yes. And I invited myself over more than normal. (Thank you everyone who helped. I owe you all.)
• Letting Joseph do most anything he wanted as long as it wasn't destructive. Or, if I didn't want him to do it (eg watch another Daniel Tiger episode), I made sure I had a pretty good alternative. 
• Oh, speaking of Daniel Tiger -- having Joseph watch the episode about trying vegetables right before I made roasted vegetables was one of the best things that happened while Kevin was gone.
• Letting Joseph roam around like this (usually he had shoes, but not always). You pick your battles.
• Keeping the house clean. To my surprise, I kept it cleaner than when Kevin is around. Probably because 1) I realized no one else would do it for me, 2) I had a bit more company than normal, and 3) my goodness, I kept losing stuff! Toys and shoes and more shoes and I just had to hunt and hunt and hunt for them and while I was at it hey look let's organize the dresser! And let's just keep the counters clear while we're at it! So that was good for my sanity.
• Exercising was also good for my sanity.
• So was eating healthily. I had sort of expected to spend my evenings eating junk, but then when Joseph caught a cold I wanted to do everything I could to avoid it, even not eating sugar (some people say that lowers your immune system, and I didn't want to risk it). It didn't end up working, and I spent one Sunday horribly congested and sick and exhausted and I lost my sense of smell entirely for the next day and a half, but at least I was eating healthily! (I'm not anymore.)
• Flirting using bad puns over the internet. I am pretty sure that is actually my love language. (Quality time is probably a close second, so I am glad Kevin's back.)
• Keeping busy. We didn't end up doing any big grand adventures, but we did attend everything we could think of, including stuff we don't usually do like storytime at the library. 

And then, finally, last night we did the wisest and happiest thing yet and picked up Kevin from the airport. And it was glorious.

Thoughts on social media and the gospel

So, I just watched Elder Bednar's Education Week address on using social media to share the gospel. As a General Authority, he gave a lot of great general suggestions that I suggest you look at. Since I am a specific person, I am going to give some specific suggestions and confessions.

First, the confessions:

• If you link to a conference talk, there is a good chance I won't read it.
• If you link to a conference talk with a quote, there is a better chance I will read it, but I will probably conclude that everything that needed to be said was already shared and won't read it anyway.
• If a quote is too long, I won't read it.
• I hate anything and everything having to do with modesty, no matter whose opinion it is or how much I agree with it. (I never said these were rational confessions.)
• If you share a Mormon message, I will probably not watch it unless you are the 10th person to share it.
• I cringe at hashtags.
• I don't look at quotes in pretty fonts with graphic designed backgrounds.
• Or pictures in general.

So, I get that I am probably not the target audience for much of social media. And likewise, a lot of what I post is probably not what most people want to see. (I like to write a lot, okay???) But here are my suggestions anyway:

• Don't wait until you have a testimony of everything. If you are struggling with certain aspects of the church or gospel, it's okay! You are not alone. You can still share what you do believe.
• Have a story. Although people have differing opinions about memes, pictures, articles, videos, etc., the one thing that everyone likes is stories. (Granted, some people only like telling their own stories and not listening or reading others, but I still stand by my statement.) What does that mean for social media? It means that you should make the gospel of Jesus Christ part of your story, and make your story part of your testimony. If you are good at making up analogies, that's great, but the rest of us can still share a real-life story that can touch others.
• Do more than just show your happy life -- explain where the happiness comes from! Do people really know why you want them to join the church? Do they know of the beautiful doctrines, the powerful covenants, and the welcoming community? Do they know that they can join it too?
• Be honest, especially about trials. Happiness is the end goal, but it's not always a given for most of us. If you share your tough moments too (within reason, of course), you will seem much more real online. (I know that online isn't the real world, but if that's where a lot of interaction occurs, we may as well do our best to be real there too.)
• Try to avoid being narcissistic. That can detract from what you're trying to say.
• Make the church sound less like a social club and more of a way of life. I fear that sometimes we may be prone to name-dropping or being too proud of our own. Everyone -- even prophets and apostles -- are just humans, and we shouldn't turn them into superheroes or Chuck Norrises. What matters most is our devotion to Heavenly Father and our dependence on Jesus Christ's Atonement.
• Avoid getting into too many discussions about controversial subjects. Everyone can read them, and sometimes they are annoying. It's also important to remember that while your faith may be secure while discussing something (such as fallibility of the prophet), others may not be at your same level, and constantly bringing these topics to them will do more harm than good. (I do think everyone should confront these things for themselves, but I think human interactions are better for that.)
• If you do share a quote from a General Authority, make it personal! Why do you like that quote?
• Don't just post church stuff, or people will probably glaze over it or hide you from their news feed. Did your spouse say something funny today? Was your kid cute? Did you have an opinion about a current event? Share it!

Above all, approach everything -- even social media! -- with an attitude of fasting and prayer. Like Elder Bednar was saying, this is one of the most effective methods of sharing the gospel. If we incorporate faith into our social media use, we will see the power of God more in our lives, and we will touch the lives of our friends for good.

Zupa's BBQ Chicken Salad

It's been way too long since I shared a recipe, and since this one today made me so happy, I thought it was time again.

The instructions are from my mom, and are pretty simple:

Chicken, BBQ sauce, tomatoes, black beans, corn, black olives, tortilla strips, red onions, mixed greens, and ranch dressing.

What makes this recipe work for me is the combination of lettuce, BBQ sauce, ranch, and tortilla chips. Once you have those, you can add pretty much any vegetable and it tastes great. 

Talking with a Two-Year-Old

Note: This post might be more enjoyable if you watch this first to get a sense of Joseph's voice.

Right now, living with Joseph is like living with a tape recorder that takes in everything you say and plays it back when you least expect it. Kevin and I have learned the most in our lives about our speech patterns just from hearing him the last several weeks.

Us: "Would you like some watermelon?"
Him: "No, I'm okay."

Us: "Want to go in the stroller?"
Him: "Sounds good." or "Sounds like fun. Let's go."

Kevin: "We're going to play outside."
Joseph: "Kyra, are you coming?"

He's also started playacting with stuffed animals a lot, and that's been educational for us. Granted, sometimes when he's really upset, I start talking to a nearby stuffed animal about why it's sad (it works pretty well), so it makes sense that he does it too. But it goes a little differently when he does it:

"Bear, are you happy or sad?" (Waits for a response.) "Bear is sad."
Me: "Why is the bear sad?"
He starts hitting the bear. (That's probably why.)

"Giraffe, do you need a diaper change?" (Starts moving the poor giraffe's legs into horrible contorted forms.)

He's also got a pretty clear sense of how things are supposed to be in the world, and he knows when things are off.

For example, at Kevin's parents' house, there's a little two-legged table with jeans and boots on each of the legs so they look like human legs. Kevin pointed out the jeans to Joseph, who said, “That’s funny.” Then he saw that the table had boots, pointed them out, and said, “That’s so silly.”

Then, when we were at the airport, he saw that someone's hat was hanging on the person's back. He giggled. "Look! Hat on back!" (I never saw it, so I can only imagine what it looked like.) "That's so silly. Hat goes on head."

Of course, sometimes he's the one who makes things silly on purpose. "Shorts on head. That's so silly."

And then, sometimes he's just funny, whether or not he means to be:

(In the sandbox)

“I’m making a cake.”

“Will it be delicious?”

“No, it’s yucky.”

(After an exceptionally sweaty workout)

“Hi Mommy. Are you wet?” 

One night we brought him into our bed. When he woke up the next morning, he looked around the room for a minute, then said triumphantly, "We made it!"

(At every stoplight ever)

“Turn green!”

(Driving past a field) 

“Bumpy grass!”

(In the parking lot, he noticed some license plates)

J: “Letters on it!”

me: “What letters do you see?” (He lists some of them.)

J: “Where’s the J?”

Once we find it, “Oh yes. J for Joseph.”

me: “What is M for?”

J: “Mommy!”

me: “What is K for?”

A pause. “Food,” he says seriously. “K for food.”

(Playing with toys.)
"Bird on an airplane! Neer, crash! Neer, crash! Neer, crash!"

(After a Daniel Tiger episode on waiting)

“Waiting is hard. Waiting is hard.” 

(After dinner with the missionaries)

“Missionaries go to the church. And get baptized.”

Joseph helped me finish the phrases for the first several pages of Goodnight Moon. Then I got to “two little kittens,” and when I said two, he said, “I’m two! I’m two! I’m two years old! Mommy, are you two years old?”

“No.”

“Are you three years old?”

“No.”

“Are you . . . two years old?”

“No.”

“Are you three years old?” (Getting up in my face)

This lasted a while.

(Trying to open the front door with just a diaper on)

“Go outside!”

“You need to get dressed first.”

“With a belly!”

(He went outside with a belly . . . and with clothes over it, too.)

(Sitting on his potty seat too soon after a successful attempt)

"It's not working!"

And last, but not least, this interchange this morning:

(An egg was part of a toy zoo, and Joseph pointed to it.)

J: “What is that?”

me: “An egg in a nest.”

J: “Oh, yes. Oh! Egg in a book!”

me: “What book?”

J: “Rooster and an egg.”

me: “A rooster? What book?”

J: “Rooster had an egg in a book.”

me: “What book is this?”

J: “Ummm, pancakes.” (Pancakes, Pancakes by Eric Carle.)

me: “Oh, that’s right! You know, roosters don’t lay eggs.”

J: “Yeah. Just chickens lay eggs.”

(I have no idea where he learned that. Kevin explained later that only hens lay eggs, and roosters are chickens too, but I think Joseph was faking it when he was nodding that he understood.)

Although every day has its ups and downs, he sure is delightful company.

Holeyness

Over the past several months, I have poured out my soul to my sister Jennie on her mission. She hears the same stuff that Kevin, my siblings, and my parents hear, but it is in letter form which generally leads to more organized thoughts. I wonder sometimes if I am unnecessarily burdening her with details too far from missionary work, but it is good for me, so I keep doing it.

There is one letter that I now find incredibly ironic, dated July 6th. Here's part of it:

There's something that's been on my mind lately -- the idea of holiness. It's kind of got an interesting start. So somehow, we've become, like, popular. Dessert nights, [invitations to] cabins, game nights, camping, strawberry picking, swimming, bike rides -- people like to have us around! It's weird and flattering and  . . . it wasn't making me as happy as I would have expected. It wasn't that I didn't like the people, or that I was mad they were inviting me. It was just that being on the receiving end all the time made me realize that I was missing something a little bit. I decided what I was missing was "holiness." That all these relationships were about fun right now, not about service, not about charity, not . . .. I don't know. I wasn't giving of myself by being invited to stuff, so it felt strangely artificial.

So, I concluded the letter by telling her I would try and bring holiness back into my life somehow.

§

The next morning, I found it, or at least the beginnings of it. You see, there was one thing about June that I hadn't told her (or anyone except Kevin and Joseph) about -- the one thing that month that truly made me deliriously happy, and it was morning sickness. Just enough to be reassuring but not enough to be debilitating. That plus general exhaustion, weight gain, tenderness, and every other encouraging symptom you could hope for made me look forward to this doctor's appointment more than any other appointment in my life.

My doctor brought in the ultrasound and began to hunt for the baby. A few images printed out, and I saw a perfectly formed little body. In that instant, all those months of frustration -- the months where I couldn't get pregnant, the months following my February miscarriage, the months of impatience and sadness and jealousy and trying to enjoy Mother's Day and wondering why I was still bugged about it -- all didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was this beautiful nine-week-old little baby in me.

The doctor verified that the baby was nine weeks old as it was supposed to be, but she wasn't congratulating me yet. She instead looked harder, twisting and turning the probe, her brow furrowing. Then she looked up at me with tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry," she said. "This must have just happened in the past 24 hours."

"What?"

"We should see blood flow to the fetus. There's nothing, and no sign of a heartbeat."

§

For me, grief comes slowly. Shock comes quickly, devastation follows on its heels, and contingency plans don't lag far behind, but grief takes its time to set in.

In some ways, the grief itself bothers me as much as the miscarriage. In Utah, I wondered why it was affecting me so much. After all, everything had been wrapped up before we headed on the plane. The pricks where I'd had blood drawn to monitor rapidly-falling hCG levels and the bruise from my IV were mostly healed. I was surrounded by family, friends, and fun. Yet it seemed like the loss was just beginning to set in. I had told some of my family, "The second time is easier because you already know what you're getting into." But instead this second time came with new, unfamiliar anguish more pronounced than the first.

After a particularly hard day, I realized that it felt like someone had drilled holes in my heart. These holes weren't always bothersome -- when I was busy talking and laughing with people they weren't noticeable. But if somehow the syrup of sadness reached me at all, it got stuck in those holes, and it took a lot longer to clean it out.

"More holeyness give me," I thought ruefully. I had first made up that pun during a stake youth conference right before I graduated. We were preparing some ground in River Heights for a playground dedicated to a little boy named Ryan who had drowned in Lake Powell the summer before. We didn't help out with construction at all, but we did dig a lot of holes in very rocky soil. As we pulled the rocks with makeshift shovels (mine was a plastic cup), I made up puns about holes instead of thinking about why exactly I was digging those holes.

Back then, I didn't really get it. I didn't really understand why his parents chose to build a park that would serve as a constant reminder of their loss. I kind of understood the sentiment, but it still didn't make a whole lot of sense.

Now I sort of did. There seemed to be some relationship between holeyness and holiness, one that they somehow discovered. But what was it?

§

Although I knew to expect it from my last miscarriage, in many ways I am surprised by grief. I see emotions such as resentment, jealousy, and anger in myself and think, "These don't belong here! I know better!" When I sob within minutes of coming home from church or tear up while listening to music, I think, "I don't need to cry about this. This is silly." Or even, "Why I am grieving so much over a couple of babies I only carried for 9-10 weeks?"

Most of all what surprises me is my self-centeredness. How can holeyness lead to holiness when I'm not even reaching out to others, when I'm thinking only of my own woes?

But what I'm finally learning is that it's okay. All aspects of holeyness -- the sticky sadness, the jealousy, the inability to vocalize my sadness to close friends, the self-centeredness -- can all still lead to holiness if I don't let them define me. Holiness is more than meditating on a mountain or immersing oneself in liturgy. Holiness can be found while laughing with friends, or building "yucky cakes" out of couch cushions with toddlers, or even during mildly irreverent texting conversations (okay, I count that one because it was what got me out of my cryfest, so thanks Kayl). The key is to turn all of it, good and bad, over to God.

And when I do, amazing things start to happen. Somehow, God gives me a bit of His love and peace, and, at least for a while, the holes in my heart get filled in with big, grand ideas. I want to help in soup kitchens and save Detroit and host all the baby showers and clean the house and exercise and be the best wife and mother ever. Although those feelings are still temporary, they stay longer than they might otherwise because they get stuck in the holes. The holiness that seemed so far off at the beginning of July seems somehow closer now.

§

When Kevin and I were driving back from the Logan Temple a few weeks ago, I took a swing around the block in River Heights to show him Ryan's Place Park. It's been too long since youth conference for me to remember where exactly my holes were, but I still feel a connection with the park. I understand more now about the importance of building after a loss, of channeling your energy into something that will help as many people as possible. Although I will never fully understand Ryan's parents' specific pain, I am beginning to understand the holiness they created from holeyness. And I am learning I can do the same.

"Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."
Isaiah 49:16

Note: Although I hunted down a few of these articles the past several weeks, most of them have just shown up in my mailbox or Facebook newsfeed as acts of providence. They've been helpful to me in a variety of ways.

"One Thing Needful": Becoming Women of Greater Faith in Christ by Patricia Holland

Study and the Prayer of Faith by James Cannon (my algebra teacher)

My Heart-Shaped Uterus by C. Jane Kendrick

Healing: Courage + Action + Grace by Jonathan G. Sandberg

What Suffering Does by David Brooks
Does God Need Me? by Bonnie Atkinson
The Grief Linebacker by Andrea R.
Developing a Resilient and Enduring Faith by Alison Davis-Blake (I have the link in Google Drive, but since it was from our stake women's conference I'll wait to post til I have permission)

And, if you are curious about Ryan's Place Park (and want to laugh at how smart I thought I was [none of my puns made it in, at least]), here's this: Building Ryan's Place

Cross-Puntry Road Trip

Of all the things I'm grateful for today, I'm most grateful for this texting conversation. (Note: Kaylie and Derek were driving across Nebraska this afternoon. And I think they were bored.)

Ka: Can I nebraska question?

Ky: You cansis

Ka: Ok alaska question then. Why is road tripping such a Missouri?

Ky: Because the car smells funny. Iowa great deal of carsickness to that.

Ka: It smells so bad Derek's sitting on the carpet to escape it. He's a Florida.

Ky: Is he driving too??? Seems like an idea from the badlands

Ka: Well, not anymore.  A strange man gave our friend Georgia big bag of cash cuz Derek promised to sit up correctly.

later . . .

Ka: Have you seen Limbaugh's hair lately? Someone needs to give Russia makeover.

Ky: I'd do it. And if he paid enough I'd make a Korea of it.

Ka: What's worse than a pair of Dracos? A Paraguayals.

Ky: That one was worth a few guineas.

Ka: Or Ecuador.

Ky: How is the drive in your Sudan?

Ka: Good. 500 miles on the same road. Don't even have to Czech the map!

Ky: I bet Yukon drive really fast then.

Ka: Who's winning this texting game? Or is it a Thai?

Ky: Your Laos.

Ka: I like talking with you. It helps as we're Putin in our miles today.

Ky: Joseph just woke up from his nap. I didn't think he was Hungary.

Ka: If you need to feed him you can. I like talking to you. Uruguayt friend.

(then comes a long discussion of potty training using words such as Stalin, European, and Nastia Liukin, among others.)

. . . Ky: So chi in our bathroom is restored.

Ka: And your sink is Shawning White again.

Ky: . . . I should Finnish for real. It's been Swede punning with you.

Ka: You too. Peace out. World peace.

Ky: You Congo on without me.

Ka: No man is an Ireland.

And that was the best part of my Sunday.

Postscript: So, I posted this to our "Overheard Near Kaylie" Facebook group, and she asked why I left out all the best parts. So I am going to add them here. But they are not exceptionally tasteful, so don't read it Dad. And everyone else, only scroll down if you are a little bit immature.

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Okay, that's enough for today. Where I said "later . . ." up above, here's what really transpired:

Ky: It's time to move to another continent. Incidentally I'm in the bathroom now and feeling rather European.

Ky: All finnish

Ka: And strumming on your Qatar?

Ky: No that's unsanitary. Algeria and micronesia could spread.

Ka: That would be a terrible disease! If it comes close should we meet at the parking Latvia the pharmacy?

A little later . . .

Ka: So derek just dropped a bomb. I think I might have Ghana rrhea.

Ky: That is a Malaysia have to deal with for sure.

Ka: Yeah I really think I have it. I'm also feeling a little bit Chile.

Then Joseph woke up (a little Hungary), so the discussion went here:

Ky: Joseph just putin the potty.

Ka: Woo! That's awesome! Go Joseph! Hopefully he's not Stalin.

Ky: Nope he was russian. And I told him "European!"

Ka: Is the poo Nastia Liukin?

Ky: Ono. It's kwan down the drain. So chi in our bathroom is restored.

Ka: And your sink is Shawning White again.

And now you know why I didn't share that last bit on Facebook.

This is the PLACE

Utah! People working together!

Utah! What a great place to be.

Blessed from Heaven above

It's the land that we love.

Usually.

This is the place!

Utah! With its mountains and valleys.

Utah! With its canyons and streams.

Oneida Narrows . . . which is almost in Utah. Also he wasn't afraid of that dog at all.

You can go anywhere.

But there's none that compare.

This is the place!

It was Brigham Young who led the pioneers across the plains.

They suffered with the trials they had to face.

With faith they kept on going til they reached the Great Salt Lake

. . . or Starvation Reservoir

Here they heard the words . . . "THIS IS THE PLACE!"

Utah! With its focus on family,

Utah! Helps each child to succeed.

People care how they live.

specifically, with the help of fossil fuels

Each has so much to give.

to reindeer

This is the place!

Utah! Getting bigger and better.

Utah! Always leading the way.

New technology's here...

that's a calculator

Growing faster each year.

my friend's baby, who is growing faster than he should.

This is the place!

There is beauty in the snow-capped mountains, in the lakes and streams.

There are valleys filled with farms and orchards too.

The spirit of its people shows in everything they do.

They were learning from the best.

Utah is the place where dreams come true.

i.e. being carried everywhere

Utah! With its pioneer spirit.

Utah! What a great legacy!

Blessed from Heaven above.

It's the land that we love.

Even its dinosaurs, sometimes

This is the place

Utah!

Utah!

 Utah!

THIS IS THE PLACE!

(and for those of you who want to sing along, here is the melody)