Opposite Day

This is my Good Friday post as part of my #Because of Him Series.

4. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." -- John 15:13
Because of Him, we can hope for things we cannot see.

"But why is it called Good Friday if something bad happened?" my son asked me today. It's the same question we've probably all had.

It's a day of paradox, a day of contradiction. Jesus died, which was bad. But He needed to die, so it was good. Bad men crucified Him, so they were following Satan. And yet God used the actions of the bad men to bring about the Atonement and Resurrection. It's all confusing.

And then there's this matter of resurrection. If you grow up believing it, it's no problem at all to accept that after we die, we can be resurrected. But imagine trying to convince a scientist of it.

"But," they might say, "how can a body become immortal? How can you overcome the second law of thermodynamics? What justification do you have for believing something so completely opposite of what we have observed about bodies since the dawn of time?"

For that matter, what justification do we have for believing anything Christ taught? He said "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it" (Luke 9:24). But that's not what we experience here and now. We see time and time again that might makes right. We see evidence daily that money and power can get us anything the world can offer. We see that putting ourselves first ensures our own successes. And life is short, so we might as well get what we can while we can.

. . . But that bleak view of the world is not the only view. We see that bullying often wins, but so does altruism. We see that putting power in the hands of the underprivileged -- such as giving education to mothers -- benefits the whole society. We see that when we care about others' needs, we can come up with remarkable innovations that bless many lives. When love defines our motives, we begin to see glimpses of the kingdom of God.

So yes, maybe the laws of physics and entropy and scarcity are accurate, but perhaps they are incomplete. Perhaps they work best in a world focused on oneself rather than on others. Maybe a world turned upside down, where the last shall be first and the first shall be list, is the realer world after all.

And if we can see that Christ's instructions for the kingdom of God create the reality we prefer to the nasty, brutish, and short life created by the fall of Adam, perhaps it's not so foolish to believe His promise that the kingdom of God could contain something as incredible and expansive as resurrection, as heaven, as a loving and powerful God. Perhaps, as C. S. Lewis said in The Great Divorce,

All Hell is smaller than one pebble of your earthly world: but it is smaller than one atom of this world, the Real World. Look at yon butterfly. If it swallowed all Hell, Hell would not be big enough to do it any harm or to have any taste'

'It seems big enough when you're in it, Sir.'

'And yet all loneliness, angers, hatreds, envies, and itchings that it contains, if rolled into one single experience and put into the scale against the least moment of the joy that is felt by the least in Heaven, would have no weight that could be registered at all. Bad cannot succeed even in being bad as truly as good is good. If all Hell's miseries together entered the consciousness of yon wee yellow bird on the bough there, they would be swallowed up without trace, as if one drop of ink had been dropped into that Great Ocean to which your terrestrial Pacific is only a molecule'

Good Friday was terrible. It was confusing. It was devastating. But the senseless death of a carpenter from Galilee meant so much more than any of them could imagine. Good Friday was bad, but it was  just the tiny atom of Hell that seemed so formidable until Christ confronted it personally and proved it had no power against the hugeness and goodness of God.

And if Christ can transform a bad Friday into Good Friday, then we have so much reason to hope in all of His promises.

Birth

Note: This is my Maundy Thursday #BecauseOfHim post.

4. Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -- John 3:5

Because of Him, everyone has the opportunity to come closer to God.

In John 3, we read:

3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.

4 Nicodemus saith unto him, How can a man be born when he is old? can he enter the second time into his mother’s womb, and be born?

5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.

6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.

7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again.

Well, I confess that I have marveled at this concept day after day. I have wondered the same question as Nicodemus -- can a person enter the second time into his or her mother's womb and get a fresh start? Can someone simply accept Christ and have that be sufficient? Can someone overcome a life where most everyone they know does drugs, where they went to bed hungry and scared, or where they were exposed to heavily thematic or pornographic materials from a young age? Can someone accept Christ and suddenly become a 100% church attending, scripture-studying, Word of Wisdom-keeping, dependable person?

With God all things are possible, but I have seen that that is a very, very, very tall order. It is so, so hard for people to attend church regularly for so many reasons. It is so, so hard to get out of poverty, especially when there are health issues. And we do what we can -- in our ward, for example, we have self-reliance classes and welfare and home teachers and visiting teachers and auxiliary leaders who try to reach out -- but it is not easy for the person in need or the people who are trying to help. 

And so I asked myself a variation on Nicodemus's question -- can someone who is not born to a life of privilege attain a life of privilege as if they were born again? Then, I had another question pop into my head -- do they have to be? Does someone have to have a life like an upper middle class child -- where they heard 30,000 words a day from parents, where they always had nutritious food and sanitary conditions, where they learned good manners and to return phone calls and emails, where they never even considered stealing or doing drugs because no one else they knew would ever do that -- in order to make it to heaven?

And I realized, that's not what Jesus was saying at all. What matters is that we have to be born of the Spirit. We have to have that spiritual awakening -- that realization that there is more to the universe than us and our own needs, the realization that there is a God who has rules that we've been breaking, the realization that we need a Savior -- and anyone from anywhere can have that experience. Anyone with a humble heart can be born again. Everyone, regardless of their privilege or talents, must be born again to enter the kingdom of God.

I have been lucky to be in wards where I've seen such humble, wonderful people join the church and be instantly welcomed into the family. Yet in these wards, there still are many, many names in the ward directory that I haven't recognized. I'm starting to appreciate what a foreign concept it might be to come to church every single week, to accept callings, and to be immersed in this culture often defined by middle-class, college-educated people from the western United States. And then on top of that, some might not have a reliable way to get to church!

And yet, even if they don't come each week or accept callings, they still were born again. They still had that wonderful experience with the Holy Ghost that gave them the desire to be be baptized. Perhaps we do not have all the resources to help make church attendance a habit as natural as breathing, perhaps some have not remembered the goodness of God that they felt when they first repented (Mosiah 4:11), but God watches over them just as he does the babies in the NICU who are still figuring out their lungs. Christ travailed for them, and He will not abandon them.

Law

Note: This is my third Holy Week post. 

3. Cleanse first that which is within the cup and platter, that the outside of them may be clean also. -- Matthew 18:26

Because of Him, we know the law.

Chemotherapy. Dialysis. Debriding. These are all terms that I've used to describe the Me Too movement. We have seen that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men as soon as they get authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. (D&C 121:39.)

And we've seen that all the attempts to cover sins, gratify pride or ambition, and exercise control and compulsion are starting to finally fail, and fail spectacularly. It is painful, it is tragic, and it is important.

I've had to ask myself why I've felt grim satisfaction in seeing people like Harvey Weinstein lose everything they had. Is it that I want to see people suffer when they've caused other people to suffer? No. I can't truly be happy about anyone else's pain, even if it is self-inflicted. 

Is it that I want to see justice? Yes, but that's not the whole answer. I feel like I can explain it better with housing than with sexual assault. We all know stories of bad landlords. Maybe we've had bad landlords. Although I have a good landlord, I see the effects of corruption and incompetence from other landlords almost every day. I hear of dishonest landlords who take money out of the deposit for no legal reason, property managers who take pride in slumlording some parts of town and racking up prices in other parts, real estate agents who sell houses with angry squatters in them, and city officials and landlords who promise to clean up the lead in backyards but quit before the job is even a tenth of the way done, rendering the whole procedure useless. I do want to see justice -- I want people to win lawsuits that they should win, I want corrupt people to spend time in prison if that's what the law requires -- but more than that, I just want the problems to be solved. I just want people to not have to devote any mental energy to housing problems, period!

And it's the same for the Me Too movement. I wish I could make a time machine and prevent any sort of abuse to start with. Since I can't, I just hope that the survivors can heal and not have it hurt their lives anymore.

But even more than that, I want a world where fewer people have to be survivors, a world where people in positions of power could not brazenly assume that they would get away with hurting people. This is why I view the Me Too movement with grim satisfaction -- it is the undoing of the secret combinations that first allowed such behaviors. It is ensuring that predatory behaviors have consequences. It means that more children will grow up knowing how to treat those around them, and that we won't tolerate corruption of any kind.

Jesus Christ did not just spend His ministry performing miracles. He taught the law and had strong words for those who disobeyed it. He called people vipers and whited sepulchres (Matthew 23:27, 33). He did not mince words about abuse (Matthew 18:6-9):

6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

7 ¶ Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.

9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.

It is wondrous and glorious to have an Atonement to reconcile us to God, but it is also crucial that we have a clear idea of the God we are being reconciled to. Throughout the scriptures and especially throughout Christ's mortal ministry, His law is taught repeatedly. And we learn quickly that He is not a God that is patient with unrighteous dominion, with dishonesty, or with unkindness (especially toward one's spouse). When we truly follow Jesus Christ, we are not patient with those behaviors either, and we do not reward them in our laws or culture.

I don't know how long the Me Too movement will continue, and I don't know how many other important people's sins will be uncovered in the process. I do know that we can start fresh, that we can teach laws and consequences, agency and accountability.  Christ has taught us the way to go.

Good

Note: This is my second #BecauseOfHim post during Holy Week on teachings from Jesus Christ that can apply to us right now.

2. "There is none good but one, that is, God." -Matthew 19:17

Because of Him, we don't have to be perfect. And our friends don't have to be perfect.

I think we all know we're not perfect. But if pressed, we'd rather say we have imperfections like "I leave cupboard doors open," or "I like to eat lots of Oreos in one sitting." But really, sometimes we're talking about real things. Sometimes our imperfections really hurt other people. Sometimes our imperfections make it hard for an organization to run smoothly. 

Let me give an example of one of my own imperfections. I've learned that, especially around women, I try to agree. After all, as I said yesterday, everyone has little bits of truth. But then later I realize that I don't fully agree with someone, and they probably were entitled to hearing a different perspective, especially if there were facts I knew that they didn't. This might not seem like a fault, but I have seen how it has perhaps perpetuated a few problems that didn't need to be perpetuated.

Perhaps other people have other similar faults -- faults that don't necessarily get in the way of day-to-day function, faults that aren't addictions or malicious intents or anything like that. But when we start working with other people, when we have to make decisions that affect other people, those faults come out without our even realizing it. We might not be good at listening, at delegating, at organizing, at speaking tactfully, or any other number of things. And while we're discovering these things about ourselves, people can be marginalized, offended, and hurt.

There have been times where I've realized that no matter what I said or didn't say, it feels like I did the wrong thing. It's in those moments where I realize how desperately I need Christ -- I know for a fact I am not good enough on my own, and I can't pretend anymore that I've got my act together. But He is good enough, and what's more, He is good. He is the source of all good and all light, and because of that He has the power to take away my frustration and replace it with peace and hope. It's because of Him that we don't have to project false images of perfection to those around us -- He is perfect, so we don't have to be. It's because of Him that we can forgive each other for not being perfect. 

And it's because of Him that we can let go of our imperfections and gradually become good like Him.

Truth

During the past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about Easter. I've been thinking about how Christ's ministry and message can affect us right here, right now.

President Russell M. Nelson taught in April 2017, "There is no amorphous entity called 'the Atonement' upon which we may call for succor, healing, forgiveness, or power. Jesus Christ is the source." What that means to me is that to understand the Atonement, to understand Who and What we are to become "at one" with, we need to pay attention to Christ's life and ministry. As I have sat and thought on several topics, various scriptures have come to mind. Over this Holy Week, I will share some of these thoughts.

1. "I am the Way, the Truth, the Life." -- John 14:6

 Because of Him, we do not need any false idols. Truth is enough.

In so many political debates these days, I feel like everyone is so attached to their little corner of facts that it's hard to reconcile all the ideas. For example:
"It's not about the guns. It's about bullying."
"There's no such thing as a good guy with a gun."
and so forth.

I have seen how people's beliefs become what they worship -- what they cling to, what they adore, what they will sacrifice everything for.

And frankly, it seems silly. I have realized that if we are built upon the rock of our Redeemer (Helaman 5:12), then we don't need to become attached to any set of ideas. When we no longer have allegiance to ideologies, we have freedom to look at facts without bias and search for truth. The question no longer becomes "Who is right about gun control?" but rather "Assuming everyone has a little bit of truth about mass shootings (it's about bullying AND about access to weapons AND mental illness AND secularism AND insufficient training and background checks AND even FBI dropping the ball), what can we all do? How can we carve out a solution taking all of these into account?" 

Truth is hard. Truth is uncomfortable, especially when an opposite political party has been the one saying it all along. But truth is the only thing that unites us. And it is through our faith in Jesus Christ that we can take all our bits and pieces of truth and start to reconcile what we have. We can work together with a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and all men, and ultimately find truth.

Faith, feelings, and parenting

I feel like the last few months have been a crash course in not just parenting but in relationships in general, and I have definitely learned a lot.

A lot of what I've learned can be summed up in these articles I've read in the past few days:

Indulgent Suffering -- I liked this because it reminded me that I have nothing to prove. I am not owed anything for the amount of suffering I endure, so there's no reason to put up with any kind of suffering. And that includes suffering associated with parenting.

How I Turned a Difficult Child Around By Turning Myself Around -- I think this sums up a lot of what I've learned the past few months. Just decide to be calm, and if that doesn't work figure out what's preventing you from staying calm. I don't always succeed, but my kids are definitely calmer if I've stayed consistently calm for a few days.

What's on Your Mind? - - Anger -- Joseph and I read this today and it had a lot of great ideas. A few hours later, he got upset and I suggested the poses in there. "I know what they are, I just don't want to do them!"
"Do you want to be happy or mad right now?" I asked.
He paused for a moment. "Mad!"
"Okay. It's okay to be mad for a little while," I said.
That's honestly the last thing I remember about it, and the next thing I knew he was fine again. It doesn't always work like that, but maybe today was better because we had tons of quality time all afternoon.

Two other ideas have helped me when I apply them. (Kevin and my mom can attest that I don't always apply them, and sometimes I get super angsty. But at least I have the tools now!)

1. The first is something I talked about with Joseph today. He was feeling really guilty because he had knocked a corner of a quilt down off the wall and couldn't fix it. It took me all of 5 seconds to fix it, but I could tell he was still upset.
"I learned something this year," I told him. "When you feel guilty or scared or anxious or angry, it's okay to sit with those for a minute. It's okay to sit and feel guilty for a little while. Then you can ask the guilty feelings if they're ready to go away. And usually, they are."
This didn't really make sense to him, which is okay. But it's been helpful for me. I know I blame myself for things that aren't my fault sometimes and the temptation is to talk myself out of it rationally. That's definitely the right destination, but sometimes I can't get there just by thinking. But if I let myself think, "I did something a little wrong and it indirectly might have done something that affected someone else," and just be mindful of the guilty swirlings inside of me and heat in my face, then I can let go of those emotions a lot faster.
I think it's okay to feel guilty about things -- too much time on your phone, not praying, thinking unkindly, eating too much junk, etc. We worry about wallowing in mom guilt so we try to avoid it, but really the best thing to do is to approach the feelings gently, sit with them, and then set them down as tenderly as you would a newborn.

2. The second idea is to put yourself a few hours in the future when you're in a stressful moment.
Let's take this morning for example. A lot of things went right -- the boys played together reasonably well, Jacob slept for 7 hours, and there were cinnamon rolls waiting for me that I had made last night -- but oh, there was a lot stressing me. I didn't want to leave the house at all because I was so sick of new germs making my kids sick. When I got Jacob I saw that his eyes were crusted over. I was supposed to unlock the church for playgroup. Matthew ate only frosting off a cinnamon roll for breakfast and was having meltdown after meltdown. Three kids were crying at once. Kevin was leaving for the airport. School was canceled. Snow and freezing rain were imminent. Kevin's flight was delayed, and he didn't think he'd make his connection. I called the doctor and they never called back, which made me worry that by the time they told me to come in, I'd have to drive in worse conditions. A few different friends invited our kids to play. I definitely had a moment where I sat hunched over on the bed, knees up to my chest, muttering to myself, "I hate everything."

But I just had to imagine what life could be like at the end of the day. Maybe the day would go that I would make it safely to the doctor's office and back and Jacob would get the medicine he needed and my kids would get to play with their friends in the meantime. Maybe the doctor would call and say we could take care of things at home. Somehow Kevin would get to his interview. Maybe my kids would get along pretty well. Maybe I would never have to leave the house.

As it turned out, many of my wishes ended up happening. Someone else unlocked the church for playgroup. Joseph got to play in the snow. Matthew took a nap. Joseph and I had a lot of fun with e day crafts (more on that later). Eventually I heard back from the doctor's office that home care was fine. My friends were patient and accommodating as I changed plans two or three times. Kevin's connecting flight was delayed so he got where he needed to (albeit with no gloves). Jacob was cute and sweet all day even with eyes that reminded me of the time I gave myself two black eyes on the playground just days before my sophomore school pictures and I looked so bad for the pictures that my best friend burst into laughter when she saw me (they ended up doctoring the picture into my favorite school picture ever). Overall, most of the day was smooth sailing. (We're not out of stormy waters yet since his eyes aren't better, but it will be easier to drive to the doctor's office other times this week if we need to.)

So yeah. Moments that feel like two black eyes might really just result in days that are picture perfect. The trick is just to have faith.

Oh to grace how great a debtor

Yesterday morning I went to city hall to get Jacob's birth certificate. When the lady at the desk asked for my ID, I reached into my purse and pulled my wallet out to show her my driver's license. A thought suddenly popped into my mind.

"You're going to leave your wallet here."

Or, more precisely,

"If you don't put your wallet back in your purse right now, you're going to leave it here."

No I won't, I thought. I'll be careful! It's on my mind now so I'll pay extra attention to it! Besides, there's no point putting it back since I'll just have to pay with a credit card that'll I have to put back in my wallet and then back in the purse.

While I waited for the certificate, I took Jacob out of the stroller since he was fussing and walked around with him, keeping an eye on my wallet and purse on the desk the whole time. When I went back to the desk to move the stroller out of the way for another man, they told me the certificate was ready.

"That'll be 20 dollars," they told me, and I reached for a credit card. "No, we just take cash," so I pulled a bill out instead. They handed me the birth certificate and I was overcome with a flood of memories as I saw the name of the doctor, the time of birth, and Jacob's weight at birth. I put him back in the stroller, debated whether I wanted to put the certificate in an envelope or leave it unfolded (I opted for the envelope), and walked the half mile back to where I had found free parking.

Later that day, I claimed a free baby jumper on my ward Facebook page. The owner texted me asking when I'd like to pick it up. I offered to come at 6:30. She offered us s'mores when we came. I offered information that the eclipse was peaking right then, not 6:45 as she'd heard. And then, hours later, as she and her husband were offering us seats at their firepit, I had a thought. Look for your wallet.

And so I did. It wasn't in my purse, but I figured it was in the house, so there was no reason to worry. We had a lot of fun chatting with them and watching kids run around as evening turned to night. Finally, we headed back home only to find that the wallet wasn't there.

"But I had had my wallet on my mind! I was thinking about it that whole time at Vital Records!" I told Kevin. But as I retraced my steps through the day, I realized there was nowhere else it could be but there.

"Well, it's not the worst place to lose a wallet," I thought to myself, but we went through and froze accounts anyway just to be safe. I went to bed feeling incredibly sheepish but also incredibly grateful that I had noticed my wallet was gone. I had no immediate plans to go shopping or even driving, so it could have easily been days before I noticed it was missing. I imagined discovering my wallet was missing at an airport desk and the ensuing panic that would have caused.

Last night and this morning I would glance at the clock and think, "10 more hours before the moment of truth." "25 more minutes before the moment of truth." I called right when Vital Statistics opened, but since it was just an automated message Kevin dropped me off there to ask in person.

"I think I left my wallet," I said, and the woman at the desk smiled and nodded. Within a minute I had it back with all contents untouched. I dropped Kevin off at work and that was that. No harm done.

And it all felt like a miracle to me. It was miracle enough that nothing had been stolen, but I was even more amazed that I had felt prompted to look for the wallet. I didn't deserve that thought, I kept thinking. I didn't deserve my mistake to be covered like that.

Of course, it's strange talking about deserving anything in this context. If cash or credit cards had been stolen, would I have deserved that because of my carelessness? Of course not! But I wouldn't have been surprised by that either depending where the wallet had gotten lost. Regardless of what I deserved, once I made the mistake the outcome was out of my hands.

"This is grace," I kept thinking. "Don't think about it terms of 'deserving.' I didn't deserve either prompting about my wallet. I don't deserve a missing wallet. I don't deserve a stolen wallet. I don't deserve a safe wallet. This isn't about deserving anything. That's not what grace is about. It's just about God giving you something good, about covering your mistakes."

I thought back to Sunday, when Kevin had had to run home last minute to get bread for the Sacrament. I had been cranky all morning for pretty much every reason a mom of 3 little kids whose husband was at a lengthy ward council could be cranky for, and this bugged me too.

"Doctrine and Covenants 27," I whispered to Kevin before he left. "You don't have to go home. We could use animal crackers from the nursery."

He smiled and headed home anyway. I sighed. I was tired of Kevin (and sometimes me) picking up the slack for so many things. I resented the idea of grace if grace meant that people cover other people's mistakes.

However, by the next evening, I was so grateful that grace could cover mistakes. I had lost my pride about my organized mind, and now I remembered that I was just as human as others when it came to forgetting things. Any traces of former impatience ebbed away as I realized I was relying on others' goodness now to get out of a bad situation. It was grace that allowed a turn of events where I was able to sit still for long enough to think about my wallet again, and grace that brought it to my mind again. All I could say for myself is that I had listened.

But what if I hadn't forgotten the wallet? What if I had remembered it even without the prompting? Would grace have mattered then?

I still think it would have. There is always a gap between reality and perfection which can only be filled with grace. When things are running smoothly, it's easier to forget about the grace that's keeping the machine running in the first place, but it's still there. However, sometimes we need reminders to bring it back to the forefront. That's why we we're taught in Ether 12:27 that God gives us weakness. We are expected, even designed to fall short sometimes so that we can feel that sense of helplessness, that realization that we aren't in control. It's in those moments that we have no way forward except to pray.

And that's when we find that God's grace really is sufficient. And He likes to give us good surprises.

The Hunker-Down Year

Today marks one year since we turned in our keys and left Michigan.

It's been a good year. We've had a lot of fun experiences while living here -- visiting Philadelphia, Boston, Providence, and New York; participating in the Hartford Temple Open House; seeing a few church history sites such as the Johnson farm on the way out and Harmony, PA in May; getting to play at parks in New Haven and surrounding cities; attending church and Institute activities, enjoying the art museum, concerts, and bell tower at Yale; getting Joseph involved in gymnastics and soccer; working with the kids and youth in the ward; making lots of new friends; and getting to see Kaylie and Derek in New Jersey pretty often. (And having a baby, who is still very cute.)

All in all, though, it's felt like a really quiet year. Although there were playgroups and play dates, for the most my boys just played and fought with each other day in and day out. Joy School gradually faded away by the winter time, and baby signing time disappeared after one bad snowstorm. I didn't teach piano lessons or take voice lessons. We had people over for dinner a few times but not as often as in years past. We didn't even really get to know our neighbors all that well (language barrier plus we never saw most of them), and honestly any efforts to make our complex look lived in (such as chalk or hanging door wreaths) were shot down by the property manager (in the case of the door wreaths, he rescinded permission after 10 months when I was a very emotional 39 weeks pregnant).

Of course, a lot of the quiet is my own fault, and a lot of that is because I was pregnant and oh so tired and oh so shy for oh so much of the last year. And a lot of the time I preferred the quiet to the constant stream of activities in Ann Arbor. In general though, I've found that I prefer that I prefer exercising, learning, working, playing, etc. in a group. So here's to trying harder to get a bit more involved this year! (Kindergarten should help.)

Here are a few things I discovered this year:

• Sometimes it's just okay to be a warm body. If I look back at the times I was most useful this past year, they were all when I was just at home not doing much and available to do some hardcore babysitting. Those times it didn't matter how much school I've had or how many years of piano lessons I've taken or how good I am at writing long detailed emails. What mattered was that someone had a medical emergency and I was able to watch kids in a moment of crisis. I definitely prefer using those other skills to babysitting (and really, I didn't actually babysit that much this year) but it was still nice to be able to help babysit when those other skills weren't being actively used.
• Similarly, being a warm body was the most important thing I could do at church. There were some crazy Sundays when hardly any adults were around so I played organ last minute, taught a class, taught Sharing Time, taught Singing Time, played piano, and took care of irreverent children. (Not all of those the same Sunday, but as many of those as was humanly possible.) It was good to have the knowledge and creativity to fill those roles, but being a warm body was what mattered most.
• Years ago when I was a Primary pianist one of my biggest problems with the calling was that I wanted to be consulted more -- help choose songs, be asked my opinion about reverence and room setup, be included in decision making, etc. Now that I've served in a Primary Presidency I know that being consulted still doesn't mean you get your way. Haha!
• I became of even firmer opinion that people should check their email each time they look at their phone and respond to most things within 24 hours. And respond. Oh, respond.
• The bigger your family gets the easier it is to just do things with family. Even having two kids has made it that much easier to not worry so much about your kids playing with friends. I still feel bad for taking Joseph from a neighborhood full of friends, but at least he has had Matthew to play with him (ie wreck his stuff).
• I don't have any plans to homeschool, and a lot of that is because it would probably turn into unschooling. But it was really fun coming up with activities on the fly with Joseph and Matthew, and it was nice to have lots of books to learn things from. I guess the anatomy book we got from a yard sale actually came in handy.
• I just read an article about a reformed white supremacist who said, "I believe that people become radicalized, or extremist, because they're searching for three very fundamental human needs: identity, community and a sense of purpose." To be honest, I felt like I lost a bit of all three of those this year with only my family and my Primary calling to fill my time. (Of course, this has been a rough year regarding identity anyway -- what happens when anything you happen to agree with mildly somehow puts you in the same camp as extremists who feel the same?) At any rate, it's been important to discover that I need at least one other serious social outlet in order to feel whole. (Contenders right now include volunteering at school and figuring out how to share my hymn arrangements [which I've conceded will involve other people]).
• This has kind of been a hunker-down ward in that callings were spread thin enough that most non-essential callings weren't filled (or insufficiently filled, like Cub Scouts, haha . . . I still have such strong opinions about that). On one hand it really reminded me of what my bishop said at BYU -- his number one job was to make sure everyone got to take the Sacrament each week. This happened every week, and that's really what matters most. On the other hand . . . man oh man I've missed ward choir and scheduled playgroups and Zumba. I don't think church necessarily has to fill a ton of social functions, but it nice to have them in addition to the more important spiritual functions.
• I still don't like shopping and don't like going on the freeway to get to the grocery store. But I'm used to it. Which is a big deal for me.
• Perhaps the most important thing I've learned this quiet year is that even though things are quite different from Ann Arbor in a lot of ways, I'm much the same. The same things that bug me here bugged me there. The same things I liked there I like here. Even if I lived in an absolutely perfect place with perfect friends and perfect proximity to stores and parks, I would probably still find things that bugged me just because of my own personality. So, you may as well learn to be happy where you are. And it's always possible.

Especially if there are mountains to hike.

Two Good Friday thoughts

(posted on Facebook too)

Eli, eli, lama sabachthani

Over the past few years, I've come across several stories about those whose prayers have been met with silence. Mother Teresa's long struggle with spiritual darkness was re-visited as her canonization approached. Michael McLean spoke openly about his decade-long faith crisis. Professors, motivational speakers, and many others have described similar journeys through darkness, despite countless prayers and tears begging for some kind of reassurance.

"In me ye shall have peace," the Savior promised (John 16:33), but what if that peace doesn't come when it's needed? What then?

One of my favorite tellings of the Adam and Eve story describes a scene shortly after they have left the Garden of Eden. Adam prays, and prays, and prays, desperate for guidance from the God he once knew well -- and instead Satan shows up. Adam had already repented of partaking of the fruit, and forgiveness had already been granted. He and Eve were keeping the commandments. And yet it was Satan instead of God who showed up.

This scene has been replayed by countless people throughout history, often when they are trying their best to draw closer to God. It seems like spiritual darkness and heavenly silence are no respecters of persons, though they seem drawn in particular to those who have suffered abuse, deal with mental illness, or are even just plagued by sleep deprivation. This doesn't help matters -- what if what they thought was spiritual peace was really just good physical, mental, and emotional health? Is anything certain anymore?

Perhaps not -- and perhaps that is how it should be. Perhaps in order to be truly like God, we must first have our certainty stripped away. After all, if our fervent convictions about His existence and His gospel are matched only by our fervent convictions about our politics or our pet theories, then we are not on firm ground. Perhaps silence is a chance to rebuild true faith slowly and deliberately, without emotions and preconceived notions pushing us through the process. Perhaps if we are to become engaged in His work, be it the details of administration or the details of ministration, we need to be left to our own devices, not always gently led along or given clear instructions. Perhaps if we are to develop charity, we need to first know some darkness.

"Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" Jesus cried from the cross (Matthew 27:46). Like Adam and Eve, like Mother Teresa, and like so many of us, Christ knew how it felt to be forsaken. He knew what it was like to be taunted by Satan instead of succored by angels. And because of this, because He descended below all things, He knows how to succor us. In Him we will someday find peace.

I posted that on Friday, and I read a lot of lovely things this weekend about Good Friday that related to that post. This one in particular stuck out to me:

"That a good man may have his back to the wall is no more than we knew already, but that God could have His back to the wall is a boast for all insurgents forever. Christianity is the only religion on earth that has felt that omnipotence made God incomplete. Christianity alone felt that God, to be wholly God, must have been a rebel as well as a king. Alone of all creeds, Christianity has added courage to the virtues of the Creator. For the only courage worth calling courage must necessarily mean that the soul passes a breaking point—and does not break. In this indeed I approach a matter more dark and awful than it is easy to discuss; and I apologize in advance if any of my phrases fall wrong or seem irreverent touching a matter which the greatest saints and thinkers have justly feared to approach. But in the terrific tale of the Passion there is a distinct emotional suggestion that the author of all things (in some unthinkable way) went not only through agony, but through doubt. It is written, "Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." No; but the Lord thy God may tempt Himself; and it seems as if this was what happened in Gethsemane. In a garden Satan tempted man: and in a garden God tempted God. He passed in some superhuman manner through our human horror of pessimism. When the world shook and the sun was wiped out of heaven, it was not at the crucifixion, but at the cry from the cross: the cry which confessed that God was forsaken of God. And now let the revolutionists choose a creed from all the creeds and a god from all the gods of the world, carefully weighing all the gods of inevitable recurrence and of unalterable power. They will not find another god who has himself been in revolt. Nay (the matter grows too difficult for human speech), but let the atheists themselves choose a god. They will find only one divinity who ever uttered their isolation; only one religion in which God seemed for an instant to be an atheist."

—GK Chesterton

"God seemed for an instant to be an atheist."

I have wondered how Christ could descend below all things when He never had reason to doubt. And yet this year I think I began to understand His cry from the cross. It wasn't just that He didn't have the Holy Ghost with Him. It was that an entire facet of His identity -- that of God -- was somehow stripped from Him while on the cross. He was left as a mortal then, it seems. He was confronted with the same doubts that many face here. All the miracles up to that point really truly might not have mattered at that moment -- He really might have doubted everything, at least momentarily.

"Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. . . . and with his stripes, we are healed" This is the good news of the gospel. This is the good news that He proved by rising from the dead, and it is the good news that will save the world.

At one

Every night after reading scriptures, we recite a few verses from memory. The one we always choose first is "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)

Over the past few years, I've learned more about just how big a fall from heaven that was, and it's been overwhelming.

In the past, I've generally thought of sin as an isolated, individual event, as are its effects. Sin might hurt you and the people closest to you, but that would be the end of it. A little bit of repenting would fix things up just fine.

But for whatever reason, I see things differently now. Selfishness is always at the heart of evil, but it can be perpetuated a variety of ways, and sometimes it is taught as much as it is chosen. People do have agency, but it is often hampered by a variety of environmental and cultural factors. Although a terrible person occasionally has a wonderful upbringing, most people who choose wickedness seem to slide into it in one way or another, be it through addictions, lousy parents, mental illness, societies that teach them how to hate, or any number of factors that seem to limit their accountability and agency from the get go.

Additionally, most nations have a history of oppression of some kind or another, and the effects of that can linger for centuries. Worse, quotes from religious texts -- be it the Bible, Quran, or other scriptures -- can be used as a battering ram for outrageous policies that can further this oppression by adding the threat of the wrath of God toward anyone who speaks up.

How could the Atonement cover all of this? How could the Savior redeem countries with stains of evil on them? How could He make centuries of state or religious sponsored abuse not impact the present anymore? How could He atone for pollution, for systemic racism, for unwise foreign or domestic policies, for corruption, for poverty, for drought, for wishful thinking confused with revelation, for poor decisions, and even for mistakes that still result in death? How could Christ save the world from itself?

The Savior himself had an interesting answer to that in His intercessory prayer: "I pray not for the world." (John 17:9) Considering that He earlier told Nicodemus that "God sent not his son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved," (John 3:17) that seems a little harsh and contradictory.

But here's the detail I hadn't understood -- it's the "world through him" that will be saved, not just the world. It is the disciples that believed Christ that he prays for, and they are the ones who will become one with the Father, even as Christ is one with the Father (John 17:11).

Christ's Atonement is absolutely about families and communities and societies -- that's why we have churches and temples, and that's why we look forward to Zion. But those communities will be comprised of people who have chosen Him individually. No matter how we first become acquainted with sin, whether we slide into it or willfully choose it, we all need to individually turn to Christ. It is through Him that every person in the world can overcome all the scars and baggage we inherited by being born.

This is not to say that we should just give up on "The World" once we have individually accepted Christ. Although it is ultimately more important to take the slums out of a person than a person out of the slums (to quote Ezra Taft Benson), often we take the slums out of ourselves by working to take each other out of the slums. Besides, people really do have an easier time choosing the right and seeing the light when they aren't surrounded by crime, alcohol, and scarcity. Kids really do have an easier time in life when we take the lead out of their drinking water and their paint. People are less likely to return to sinful ways when they have a supportive community to nurture them through the change. We should work to create Zion both temporally and spiritually in the world we currently live in, even if The World itself will never fully be incorporated into Zion.

And ultimately, though I still do not fully understand it, I have faith that somehow all the gaps in our efforts -- the people who grow up without proper accountability, the ones who are subjected to a failed policy here or there, and the ones who never get the chance to accept Christ in this life -- were somehow already accounted for in the Garden of Gethsemane. Somehow Christ's Atonement is big enough to handle a really fallen world, because it is a world full of individuals who are still God's children. And though things may never look like Zion in this lifetime, we can all find out one by one that when we turn to Him, He is mighty to save.

Alexander Hamilton

link

This afternoon while Joseph was watching Super Why and Matthew was pretending to nap (worked for me), I sat reading the last few chapters of Alexander Hamilton with tears streaming down my
cheeks. Who would have guessed that I would be so devastated about the death of someone who died more than two hundred years ago, who drove me crazy for several hundred pages of his biography?

And yet, there I was, absolutely brokenhearted about the untimely death of Alexander Hamilton and amazed by Eliza Hamilton's subsequent decades of widowhood which she spent doing good and protecting his name.

If I don't publish this tonight, I likely won't ever do it (after all, I planned blog posts about Middlemarch, New Seeds of Contemplation, and David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism that never got published), so here's just a (long) smattering of thoughts I had while reading Ron Chernow's biography.

(Oh! I should add this. If you don't know too much about him, he was a Founding Father who emigrated from the West Indies as a teenager, fought in the Revolution [most notably in the Battle of Yorktown], became Washington's right hand man, developed the financial system that made America solvent after the war, served as Secretary of Treasury under Washington, and then kind of went downhill politically after John Adams became president. Aaron Burr killed him in a duel.)

Comparisons

• A lot of information in the biography came from letters. I think biographies written about people now will be able to draw on work emails the way they drew on work letters from back then, but personal letters will be very different because they don't quite exist. I can't imagine poring through gchats, Facebook statuses and comments, and Twitter feeds to try and understand the scope of a person, but maybe that's what will happen. (For the record, I wouldn't mind being in a time where letter writing was a normal part of life, even if I never saw those people again.)
• The whole time I was reading, I kept comparing Alexander's personality traits to those of people I know. I know people who walk around talking to themselves about philosophy, people who read and read and read, people who are witty and flirtatious, people with overall dim views of human nature, people who are quick to lambaste those who disagree with them (often with strong language), and people who write and write and write like they're running out of time. By making these comparisons, I was able to see Alexander as a real person I might run into someday, even though I don't know someone who encompasses all of his traits. (And that's okay.)
• Although I also compared myself to Alexander, I mostly compared myself to Eliza and Angelica. Eliza was his bright, pleasant, pious, hardworking, forgiving, generous wife. Angelica was Eliza's older sister -- worldly, persuasive, ambitious, clever, and witty. I felt like their relationship was a lot like the relationship I have with my sisters, and I understood why Eliza never minded (and even enjoyed) the flirtatious relationship Angelica and Alexander carried on. (Maybe it's kind of like the time before I met Kevin when my little sister's boyfriend gave me a ring catalog peppered with awkward references to Edward and Bella.) Although my interest in politics is probably more like Angelica, from what I read of Eliza, I want to grow up to be just like her. (And I know plenty of people like her, which is great.)
• I made lots of comparisons to our current president as I read. Burr definitely reminded me the most of him, with his flip-flopping and political expediency (e.g. he started a clean water project in NYC with no intent to actually get the clean water to the people, just to sneak in his own money making scheme). His relationship with Theodosia also reminded me of Ivanka (down to some of the wild accusations, hoo boy). 
• But many of the Founding Fathers reminded me of him too -- Adams was old and paranoid and kept his family as his closest advisers. He also had a pretty bad temper when sufficiently provoked, though that seemed true of most Founding Fathers. Jefferson was a hypocritical populist who rallied rural people in the cause of freedom (except for the rural people that happened to be slaves), kept a folksy persona despite living the cosmopolitan life in Paris, and seemed way too okay with violence (as evidenced by his fervent adoration of the French Revolution, even when heads started to roll). Oh, and poor Sally Hemings. Poor, poor Sally.
• As for Alexander Hamilton and similarities to the president, well, let's just say it's probably good Twitter wasn't around back then for his sake. Pen and paper were sufficiently destructive.
• Speaking of political climates, whew! Things were pretty wild back then between the Federalists and Democratic Republicans. I actually prefer things now -- we've got enough years under our belt as a country that we're not going to actually disintegrate. In contrast, back then they weren't even sure if the nation would last, or if the Constitution would hold up. Talk about stressful. 
• And, if you think fake news is bad now, you should have seen the newspapers back then. Lurid, hyperbolic, character assaults were nothing out of the ordinary. I think things are better now. Except, of course, that people still believe fake news nowadays.
• Oh, I forgot a few other character comparisons. George Washington reminded me of David O. McKay (possibly because that was the last biography I read). A steady, wise, formidable influence that was universally respected, at least until Jefferson got whiny. Good leaders, both of them.
• One last comparison: Alexander Hamilton reminded me of Joseph Smith. Kind of hard to put my finger on -- maybe it was that they were both prolific visionaries, with bigger ideas of what their communities could become. Maybe it was that Alexander died in July 1804 and Joseph Smith was born in December 1805, so it was like the world got about a year break before God decided it was time to put another powerhouse individual like that on earth.

Questions

• How much was $1000 worth? That was about how much Alexander paid James Reynolds for his stupid, stupid affair. Okay, I checked and it was about $23,000. What??? Why on earth would anyone pay that much to hide something from his wife (who was inclined to be pretty forgiving)? How on earth could he afford to pay that much? (He was never all that rich.)
• Was Eliza as straightforwardly good as she was portrayed? She destroyed all of her letters, so we don't really see her, only what family and friends had to say. I know a lot of really, really good people who have their fair share of inner turmoil, but I also know some who really are guileless and faithful and straightforward most of the time. And I feel like people back then had so much physical labor that they were too tired to be all that angsty. Except the Founding Fathers, who all had bad tempers.
• I knew as I read that I was getting only one perspective about Hamilton's political enemies such as Adams and Burr, but it certainly wasn't flattering. Did Jefferson do anything good at all as Secretary of State? Would reading a biography of John Adams make me like him better? Would their mistakes be seen as minor indiscretions rather than indicators of their fatal weaknesses, as Hamilton's mistakes were portrayed?
• How much was Alexander really a womanizer, before and after marriage? The book convinced me that he wasn't licentious after marriage (with the exception of Maria Reynolds), but what about before? I just don't know what morals were like back then, or if what was scandalous back then was not too terrible by the standards of even religious people now.
• Do politicians these days hate each other as much as politicians back then?
• David O. McKay said, "No success outside the home can compensate for failure inside the home." But can success inside the home compensate for failure outside the home? By and large, Hamilton was a wonderful husband and father, but he made some pretty big political mistakes there at the end that hurt his career and hurt his chances to make a difference in the nation, especially regarding abolition. How are those mistakes tallied in the eternal scheme of things?
• Why could the North abolish slavery but the South couldn't? I know the South was more agricultural, but I feel like they could have at least tried.
• Hamilton wanted lots of things centralized, such as manufacturing. What would America have looked like if he had gotten his way with that?
• Why, oh why, oh why did he carry on with Maria Reynolds, who didn't compare at all with Eliza? Okay, the answer to that probably comes by watching soap operas, so it's not all that interesting of a question. But oh my goodness why did he do so many dumb things like this? And while we're at it, why didn't he ask Eliza to proofread his most scathing letters and articles before sending them off, just to make sure they didn't destroy his career?

Surprises/Things the musical got wrong

• It only takes the musical about 5 words to get things wrong. Alexander was not an orphan, at least not until 1799 when he was about 44 years old. I mean, his father abandoned him, but he still wrote letters and even gave his father money occasionally.
• Aaron Burr was not a terrible marksman. He practiced for months before his duel with Hamilton, and he aimed to kill.
• Burr was actually a worse person than the musical portrayed him. This wasn't an "off day" where he just happened to kill Hamilton. And he joked about it for years afterwards.
• Eliza's mother was pregnant at the age of 47 or so. And Eliza had babies well into her forties. Wow!
• Angelica was a confidante of lots of Founding Fathers. It's kind of funny that both Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton respected her opinions so much since they didn't respect each other's opinions at all.
• Yellow fever outbreaks were really scary.
• We hear a lot about the South wanting to secede, but it was actually New England that brought it up first. They were (appropriately) afraid the Louisiana Purchase would only bring in slave states, and they didn't want to lose any sort of representation. Aaron Burr ran for governor of New York on this premise, and it was Alexander Hamilton's commitment to the union that made him oppose him. (Well, that, and he really didn't like that Burr had no lasting political opinions, right or wrong.)
• And speaking of New England, it was fun to read about New Haven. Unfortunate Loyalists were captured and paraded through town during the early days of the Revolution. Also, it was nice to finally know why so much in Connecticut has Trumbull in its name. (John Trumbull was a patriot, and his son was a prolific painter of historical figures.)
• Peggy Schuyler (Eliza's younger sister) was brave! I wish the story of her saving her family during the American Revolution could have made it into the musical. When British soldiers stormed the house, the whole family huddled in the bedroom. But she went downstairs to retrieve her baby sister and while down there told the soldiers her father had run off to get help, so off they went. And possibly one of the soldiers threw a tomahawk at her just for good measure.
• Alexander Hamilton was never really all that wealthy. And he probably wasn't all that aristocratic. I mean, the same Jefferson who lobbed those accusations at him also rode around as president in wrinkled clothes and slippers, so who's he to talk about fashion?
• Alexander and Eliza always had a happy home life, and they adopted several children too. I imagine lots of that was because Eliza was wonderful, but he certainly didn't say no to opening their home and hearts. They even arranged for Eliza and her friends to go to debtors' prison to get their portraits painted by someone stuck there to help him pay his way out.
  

  

  Painted by Ralph Earl while literally in debtor's prison. (link.)

Well, this is long enough that I think I will be unlike Alexander Hamilton and stop writing. I could go on and on about his politics and financial ideas and views on human nature, but instead I will leave you with some of his last words that made me so weepy today.

"Hamilton kept intoning the one refrain he knew would soothe her troubled spirit above all others: 'Remember, my Eliza, you are a Christian.'"

"I have a tender reliance on the mercy of the Almighty, through the merits of the Lord Jesus Christ." 

"It has for some time past been the wish of my heart and it was my intention to take an early opportunity of uniting myself to the church by the reception of that holy ordinance."

"I have no ill will against Col. Burr. I met him with a fixed resolution to do him no harm. I forgive all that happened." (And that's when the bishop finally gave him communion.)

"If they break this union, they will break my heart."

I think you broke plenty of hearts yourself, Alexander.

Articles September-October

Crazy times this month! I feel like the world I was used to has gone upside-down, at least politically. Utah has become a unexpected battleground where people dear to me get phone calls from people worried that their souls are at stake if they don't vote for Trump. Strange alliances are made and familiar ones have been severed.

Meanwhile in Connecticut, I happened to talk to librarians who bemoan the state of affairs and wish they could just write someone in (cue mention of Evan McMullin). Definitely wasn't expecting that in one of the bluest states in the nation!

 I think I'll just get the political stuff out of the way first.

Political

First off . . . here is my confession.

I read the Scott Adams blog. Have for about a year now. He's the kind of rational atheist man that believes that humans are just moist robots (that is, no free will) who never evolved enough to really come to terms with reality. Thus, we can be easily hypnotized and persuaded, and that's what this election is all about. (He's gone back and forth between endorsing Clinton and Trump but I think he wants Trump to win so his predictions will be right.)

Sometimes some of those arguments about humans not having free will are intellectually seductive, but I've come up with lots of rebuttals.
-People really do have free will. The reason we don't seem to see it much is because we are pretty good at handing our agency over to Satan. In The Peacegiver by James Ferrell he describes people as just walking like zombies wherever Satan wants because he's got them subtly wrapped up in flaxen cords. So yeah, people can be easily manipulated, but that's because of sin, not because of their innate nature.
-He attributes most feelings to our brain convincing ourselves of whatever rather than actual spiritual truth. That's frightening, isn't it -- that every time you "felt good" about something it wasn't the Spirit as much as it was just some deep recesses of your brain using confirmation bias or whatever. (And, honestly, when people get way into things like the "Shemitah" apocalyptic stuff last September or convincing themselves that God really approves of Trump's antics, it does make me shift uncomfortably in my seat, wondering how much inspiration is real inspiration from God).

But the great thing about revelation is that it rarely involves just yourself. You can trick yourself into thinking most anything -- but can you trick Sidney Rigdon into seeing the visions of glory with you? You can randomly start thinking about loved ones who passed away, but if other family members think about them the exact same time with the exact same imagery, how is that just self-hypnosis? If you spend all day thinking about someone you rarely think about and feeling really sad and then find out at the end of the day they just had yet another miscarriage, what explanation is there but the Holy Ghost?
No matter how hard it is for someone to believe in God because of a world that gets messed up by evil people and good-intentioned people who trick themselves into evil actions . . . there is still so much evidence for a loving God who cares about us and has us bump into each other so we can see His face more clearly.

Okay, that didn't end up all that political, but I feel like it's important to remember that God is at the helm . . . because it might not feel like He is as things get worse and worse. (at least polio is getting eradicated lots of places. They always bring that up when people say things are getting worse.)

Speaking of God being at the helm, this is a good video.
Faith Trumps Fear

Was a Trump Server Communicating with Russia To be fair, sometimes I think my server is communicating with Russia. I mean, sometimes I have blog stats there (before my friends moved to Moldova, even), and something's been pinging my block for the past 5 months giving me 1000 new views every day.
But I don't think Donald Trump keeps a blog. Let's be serious -- he is proud that he doesn't read books. Why would he read blog posts longer than 140 characters?
At any rate, when people like to remind me that there is a 50% chance he appoints conservative judges (based on Reagan's, Bush's, and Bush's track record), I think . . . isn't that just what Trump is so great at? Making people gamble? And goodness sakes . . . if this article is true then he sure puts the Russian in Russian Roulette.

Utah is 2016's Strangest Swing State -- Regardless of what happens on election night, I will feel so much love for my home state if it doesn't go to Trump.

The Religious Right -- A Eulogy -- I definitely know some evangelicals who are just going to do a protest vote this year, and I think that's great. Generally, it looks like church-going evangelicals have been more likely to reject Trump from the beginning. But there are many different kinds of evangelicals in the country, and perhaps the ones who have made it into politics have drawn near to God with their mouths but have removed their hearts far from Him (see Isaiah 29:13). Hence this eulogy.

The Section Dedicated to J. D. Vance

Can I tell you another confession?

I've read a book by Charles Murray.

I didn't realize that was a bad thing until some friends started sharing the "are you in a bubble" quiz that he made. Their friends commented with all these articles quoting him saying some rather white supremacist things (the ties to eugenics bother me). It was kind of like, "oh. oops." The book I read (Coming Apart) didn't have any of that, but I understand a bit better why, for example, students at Yale complained about him coming. I mean, really, Yale students complain about everything. But I honestly do find him more problematic than I used to.

EDIT 3/27: I think this response by Murray is fair.

However, I am still grateful that I read his book because it opened my eyes to divisions in classes that I had never seen before. I suddenly cared about things that I hadn't before, and I was able to make my own conclusions. So, yay for free speech after all.

Where was I going with this? Well, there's a new guy in town saying similar stuff (without the objectionable parts, as far as I've seen). His name is J. D. Vance and he recently graduated from Yale Law. And I have no idea what the J. and the D. stand for. Maybe someone in the ward knows.

Anyway, he has a lot of interesting articles about the evangelicals who don't really go to church and who just have a rough life all around. All of them are worth a read!

http://national.deseretnews.com/article/22819/god-plays-an-important-role-in-hillbilly-country-but-not-in-the-way-youd-expect.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/07/25/how-the-white-working-class-lost-its-patriotism/?utm_term=.420b3eb342d4

http://www.nationalreview.com/article/439431/race-relations-getting-worse-america-why

And, that last article even has its own SNL skit! (mild language.)

Social

Faculty Gender Inbalance at BYU -- Okay, the comments are where the real value of the article is.
I had a big long blog post I wrote about this the day I read it, but it's just been sitting in drafts (ending with the phrase "But above all" and I don't know remember I was going with that haha). Here's a snippet:

• One of the hardest parts of being a female engineering student was feeling like I got special treatment. There would be times after arguing back points on a test where I would wonder, did I get those points back because I made a convincing case or because I smiled a lot? Did people suggest I become a professor at BYU someday because of my brilliant and innovative contributions to research or because they (really really) wanted a woman on the faculty? In retrospect, perhaps people made comments like this in hopes of giving me confidence on a historically unequal playing field. But I felt like it mostly cheapened my accomplishments, and worse, it gave others permission to assume I had achieved what I had due to my gender.
• Perhaps I'm unique in this, but any sort of brushes I had with sexism only fired me up. When I randomly decided to major in engineering and started hanging out in the Clyde Building, I was the subject of a few derogatory remarks from someone who thought I was only majoring in it for attention from the boys (and another who suggested I major in math ed instead). I responded by getting 100% on the first test. When a professor mocked my handwriting in front of the class (how could a girl have worse handwriting than the 3 other guys in the class, all of whom wrote in size 7 Courier font?), I had fire in my bones as I completed the next homework in exaggerated first-grade-teacher handwriting. When I heard awkward comments about my pregnancy, I spent the next four years making fun of those comments. (Okay. Maybe that wasn't the best response.) I absolutely think sexism is entirely inappropriate, but I could handle that a lot better than the feeling of special treatment.
• There is something to be said for "seeing yourself" in your major, especially early on. It is a lot easier to feel like you belong somewhere when you have at least a few other people the same gender/race/religion/etc. as you. I am grateful that I usually had 1-3 other girls in my classes during undergrad. But, by the time I was the only girl in every single class during my masters, I didn't care anymore. I belonged on my own merits.

Anyway. Those are a few of my thoughts about obstacles to getting more women on the faculty at BYU. That article is more than a month old now so probably no one is that interested anymore.

But speaking of sexism, it sure has been getting lots of attention lately! That tape about Donald Trump unleashed all sorts of accusations. It's just like the mice hiding in our walls -- the more you look the more you find. ugh ugh ugh.

Bringing "locker room" into the light -- This has lots of wonderful suggestions about how to raise good children.

What Shouldn't Be Normal -- my wonderful cousin wrote about sexual harassment, including some of her experiences on her mission. It is mind boggling that so many women around the world deal with harassment and assault every day.

And, while we're on the topic . . . I am glad that the concept of consent is becoming more important, especially on college campuses, but I think there are still some situations where consent on its own is insufficient, where perhaps it's strange to even use the word.

Let me give an example. Here is a true story: there was an aspiring young actress back in the day who had the chance to land a major role in one of Hollywood's biggest films. All she had to do, according to those in the know, was sleep with the producer.

"I don't do that," she said.
"100 girls would feel lucky to have that opportunity," was the reply.
"Well I'm not one of them," is what she said in essence, and so she left Hollywood forever.

Let's think for a minute about those 100 girls. Suppose they did have and take the opportunity to sleep with the producer. Was there consent?

I don't think so. Sure, they said yes, and they might have enjoyed it, since there can be something very attractive about someone powerful paying attention to you. But that's the problem -- there was a power imbalance in the relationship. There was still the threat of losing one's job if she didn't do that. There was still coercion. Therefore, I really don't think there was consent, for if there are strings attached then it isn't a proper choice.

I guess what I'm saying is that, yes, if you have college kids getting drunk, absolutely they need to understand consent. But chastity and fidelity are ultimately the only concepts that will keep everyone safe.

And speaking of college . . .

My Halloween Email Led to a Campus Firestorm -- Good old Yale again. I have read several articles about this, including a recent one from the university president where he talked about the wonderful things that came from last year's controversy.

While he had some good points . . . I still side with Erika Christakis on this. This went far beyond a healthy dialogue. "Nearly a thousand students, faculty and deans called for my and my husband’s immediate removal from our jobs and campus home. Some demanded not only apologies for any unintended racial insensitivity (which we gladly offered) but also a complete disavowal of my ideas (which we did not) — as well as advance warning of my appearances in the dining hall so that students accusing me of fostering violence wouldn’t be disturbed by the sight of me."

I hate to say it, but situations like this are why so many people are fans of Trump. Sure, he's a bully who can't handle criticism, but at least he's a different kind of bully than the ones we're used to making every conservative keep their head down at work. A breath of fresh air, so to speak. (Manure air.)


The Power in Not Knowing -- this was a really interesting article in the BYU Magazine that I think was ultimately about humility.

Religious (again)

Mother Teresa is Saint of the Doubters

I was struck by this quote:

 Other saints have done what she did – found a religious order, work with the poor, lead a life of outstanding holiness. Many, many saints have done that. None of them, however, have done that without the benefit of a rich interior prayer life, which is what she had to confront in the last 50 years of her life.

So many good people say they never feel the Spirit, at least not directing their paths at all. To which I say, you are in good company!


Elder Holland on Refugees -- His full speech isn't too long, and it is so worth a listen.

Bound by Loving Ties -- Elder Holland talks about the importance of religion. He is so great.

The Hartford Temple -- It is such a beautiful temple! I'm so glad so many people got to visit it!

And lots of great conference talks and Ensign articles. And you should just go through the Mormon Newsroom news page -- I confess there's lots I have only seen news about, not perused myself (such as the new Mormon and Gay website, or the commemoration of the 175th anniversary of the dedication of Israel), but I will soon.

Books/Movies

The Other Side of Heaven 15 Years Later -- this was a fun read.

Berenstain Bears and the Parallel Universe -- I always wondered about those strange people who called them the BerenSTANE bears instead of BerenSTEEN. Clearly they were just living in an alternate universe. The right one. I guess. I'm still not sure.

Pete the Cat -- In case you're wondering why some of the books say "Eric Litwin" and others do not, here is the story of the author and illustrator.

On Drive and Contentment in Hamilton -- another nice article from James Goldberg. I think I identify most with Aaron Burr (minus when he acts like a villain) but I definitely feel the struggle to make "something that will outlive me" while at the same time just being present and loving the people closest to me the way I should.

And speaking of Hamilton . . .

I know, I know, the kid playing Hamilton is like 13. But Hamilton really was just 19 when this song was set, and Lin Manuel Miranda is in his 30s, so technically it makes more sense to cast him. You know you want to watch it. And the Schuyler Sisters one, too.

As for what I've been reading . . . I read Paco by Nathan Thatcher, and that was fun and fascinating. I reread a bit of Enchantment by Orson Scott Card until my dad borrowed it. Reread Yearning for the Living God which is always amazing. (Someday I will live in a place where I can borrow LDS books from the library. Until then our 4 or so LDS books will get lots of traction.)  Read Letters of a Woman Homesteader for book club and it was delightful. Just read I am Malala and it was inspiring. I have been trying so so so hard to get a copy of Hamilton but the links were weird on the library website (seriously Michigan friends, you have no idea how good you have it with AADL), and now I have this book about the House of Morgan. I'm about 4 paragraphs through the prologue and haven't found any material yet to write a smash musical about, but there are more than 700 pages of material that might have potential. If I finish it. Which I probably won't.

(side note -- doesn't look like I read much about parenting or science lately. Maybe I did and just forgot. I guess this sort of fits both categories.)

My talk 7/31/2016

Today, I gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting. After providing a brief intro about our family, here's what I had to say:

Before I get too far into the talk, I want to speak to the kids and toddlers first. Let me explain why. Last year I counted how many kids were in the ward and discovered 70 were ages 3 and younger. 70! And then 50 more in Junior Primary! Numbers might have changed, but probably not a ton. So, I think you Primary and nursery kids deserve a good chunk of attention since you make up a good chunk of the ward. So, Joseph, and all of Joseph’s friends, I just want to let you know that I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real, and they love you so much. And we can share their love with everybody, too! I also want you to know that your parents and grandparents and teachers love you so much too. Sometimes you might get mad at your mom or dad. Sometimes they might get mad at you. But because Jesus Christ died for us, we all can change our minds and be kind again! We can even become like Jesus someday!

If your kids are loud the rest of the time now, that's okay. That’s basically the whole talk in a nutshell.

[side note: I did notice it get a lot louder right after this. Mostly because Matthew started yelling and kept making noise the rest of the time.]

I also want to speak to those of you who, for whatever reason, may not feel like you fit the mold. Perhaps you are here for your first or second time, and this just feels totally new and strange -- though hopefully totally awesome too. Maybe you are here without some or all of your family. Maybe you are battling health challenges, or struggling with various needs in loved ones. Maybe you are hearing this from the hallway, wondering why on earth you're even coming when you are only getting a few drops of goodness here and there. Perhaps you are coming even though the church no longer brings you the joy you thought it should.

If you fit into any of these categories, please know that I think you are brave and amazing, and the rest of us have so much to learn from you. Thank you for being here. I have the same message for you as I did for the Primary kids -- Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real, and they love you so much! And one of the wonderful things about being a member of this church is the many ways we can receive that love and learn how to really love God and all of His children.

One of the ways we express and receive that love is through covenants, which are sacred agreements we make with God. The first covenant that brings us into the church is baptism. As explained in the Gospel Principles manual, "We covenant with the Savior at baptism to take upon ourselves His name." We thus become His representatives on earth, becoming part of His church, remembering Him in our day to day lives, bearing each other's burdens, and standing as a witness of God.  Then, in the temple we make covenants which bring us from a fallen world back into the presence of God. And then, the final covenant is the marriage covenant, in which we decide that we love another one of God's children enough to be stuck with them for the rest of forever.

Each of these covenants creates ties between us and someone else. With these covenants we attach ourselves to our church, our God, and individuals. Today I was asked to talk about being covenant people and how we can better dedicate our lives to God and to His Children.

The first step in becoming a covenant people is to consecrate, or dedicate, your life to the Lord.  Consecration means loving God more than anything in the world. The Savior taught that the first and great commandment is "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:37) The second commandment is like unto it, which is loving our neighbor, but, as President Monson said, "We cannot fully love our fellowmen if we do not love God, the Father of us all." (Love, the Essence of the Gospel)

Why is it not enough to love our neighbors? Why can't we just perform acts of service and be good listeners and call it good?

The reason for me is that if I try to be good without loving God first, I end up focusing on myself. These acts do not glorify God which is in heaven (Matthew 5:16) but instead turn into a chance to prove to myself that I am righteous enough. It is when I love God first that I forget about my own pride and provide the love that my friends and family really need.

But how can we love God? How can we consecrate our time and talents to God without feeling overwhelmed by what might be required?

I think the answer is gratitude. I like what Suzy Stein said a few weeks ago. "When we are in a place of gratitude, we have a sense of abundance rather than a sense of scarcity. When we recognize that we are abundantly blessed, we are naturally more inclined to reach out to others, to help and bless our brothers and sisters, because we feel we have something to give."

The thing we can be most grateful for is Jesus Christ's Atonement. He loves us enough that He suffered every sin and temptation for us so He can rescue us when we fall. When we are filled with gratitude for this incredible gift, we realize that it is worth giving up all of our sins to know Him (Alma 22:18).

Sometimes those sins are large, but often the small ones do just as effective of a job from blocking us from feeling God's love. More often than I care to admit, I've done things that I shouldn't. I've been too impatient, or I've judged people unfairly. When I'm in those circumstances, I've found there are two options.

Option A: Justify my new position as the correct position. People need to change to meet me where I am. Prayers need to be answered the way I want, usually with other people changing. Luckily, before long, the dissonance I feel living like this leads me to 

Option B. I realize that, like Paul, "It is hard to kick against the pricks." It’s time to repent. One time in particular, I was upset over a long list of incidents where I felt like I had been treated unfairly over and over again. And, you know, maybe I was. But while I was in my state of unrighteous indignation, a whisper sneaked into my heart. "Is it possible that you are wrong, too?" I suddenly realized that no matter how I had been treated, I was not acting in a way that was aligned with God's will for me. I may have been wronged, but more importantly, I was wrong. I was suddenly filled with immense desire to no longer be wrong anymore. I began to plead with God to forgive me, and I was filled with an immense amount of love that changed my outlook on the situation. It didn't fix everything immediately, but it gave me the strength and wisdom to handle the situation better.

I've had other experiences where I have felt rescued by God's grace. Sometimes the rescue isn't necessarily about sin. Sometimes His grace has come on days where I am ready to explode or throw the towel in. His love is there for me to borrow, along with a whisper of, "you should let yourself get more sleep" or "you should ask someone for help." Repentance is a chance to improve all areas of our life to be closer to God and His glorious light. 

As we grow closer to God by consecrating our lives to Him, we will have to give things up. This has been absolutely terrifying to me. I've often thought of a quote from a novel by Shannon Hale to describe my fear in giving up things I'm used to: "She's a thornbush protecting a hare that's too skinny to eat." The hare that's too skinny to eat might be a bad habit or some other shortcoming, but to give it up seems like giving up a part of myself. But, as the monk Thomas Merton said,

"We are only really ourselves when we completely consent to "receive" the glory of God into ourselves. Our true self is, then, the self that receives freely and gladly the missions that are God's supreme gift to his [children]" (New Seeds of Contemplation, 42)

Like Lucy Teichert said last week, I think it's okay to feel sad about sacrifices we are asked to make. But, ultimately, we need to make those sacrifices to become closer to God and to each other. This is what it means to be a covenant people -- to be willing to give up our pride, our desires, our popularity, and our power -- because we know that Christ has engraved us on His palms and we in turn can engrave His image in our countenance. As He covenanted with Abraham, He will be our God and we will be His people, and the joy we feel when we recognize His grace will give us the courage to truly follow Him.

One thing I've realized about the Atonement that helps me keep my covenants better is that it is not only about becoming one with God but also becoming one with each other. Just as there is a gap between us and God, there are gaps between us and everyone else. Given enough time, enough sleep deprivation, enough colds and headaches, and enough hunger, we will rub each other wrong. It is one of the most wonderful things about living in close quarters with people for a little while. Why? Because it is a great chance to see the Atonement in action. Will we set aside our differences to understand each other's point of view? Will we set aside our judgments to comfort those in need of comfort? Will we set aside our pride to apologize to those we have offended? It is often after these experiences that we learn the most about love and the most about grace.

Just as we must learn to love those closest to us, we must also develop the spiritual muscles to know how to reach outside our immediate circle. This can be difficult because we have so many of our own stresses and concerns. With so many other demands on our attention, it can be easy to forget, as Elder Maxwell said, “the hands which hang down and most need to be lifted up” that “belong to those too discouraged even to reach out anymore." (Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father)

How do we learn how to lift the hands which hang down?

A recent Facebook post from Elder D. Todd Christofferson offers some ideas. "Others will know and feel of our love and Heavenly Father’s love for them when we simply remember them. Something as small as a letter, a text message, or a phone call can be a great blessing. Being there to celebrate significant achievements or to grieve during times of loss make a lasting impression that will lift those in need and bring us closer together and closer to our Heavenly Father. . . .

These are some simple examples of keeping our baptismal covenants to “bear one another’s burdens,” “mourn with those that mourn,” and “comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”"

To be honest, this may seem easier to do with people who are in similar life circumstances. But as Bishop Gerald Causse said, "It is very likely that the next person converted to the gospel in your ward will be someone who does not come from your usual circle of friends and acquaintances." (No More Strangers, 2013) And they deserve our love and attention too. This has sometimes been tricky for me as I've listened to problems completely outside the realm of my experience because I've had no well of empathy I can draw from. What are we supposed to do then?

I'm comforted by Alma 7:12-13 which states that Christ "will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people."

We do not have to be the ultimate source of empathy. Christ has already taken it on Himself, and the Spirit knows all things. Thus, the closer we are to the Spirit, the closer we can be to the source of all healing. As Sister Neill F. Marriott said,

"With the help of the Holy Ghost, we can create an emotionally healing place for the discriminated against, the rejected, and the stranger. In these tender yet powerful ways, we build the kingdom of God. . . . [A]ll of us came to earth with these life-giving, nurturing, maternal gifts because that is God’s plan." (Neill L. Marriott, "What Shall We Do?")

I’ve often wondered how I can bring the Holy Ghost more into my life so I can be prepared to build the kingdom in these ways. Here are some questions I’ve considered as I attempt to draw closer to God and His Spirit.

1-Rather than spending my free time in the evenings getting lost in various distractions, could I instead do other tasks that typically take up daytime hours? Could I make time for more temple work and service by using all hours better?

2-Similarly, am I willing to do things which draw me closer to God, such as study my scriptures better, work on family history, and really pray?

3-In my various day-to-day duties, such as chores or taking care of kids, can I remember God and consecrate my work to him?

4-Can I show more gratitude for all that God has given me, especially in times of trial?

I believe these will changes help us recognize the Holy Ghost better. I've also considered the following questions as I've wondered how to serve God's children better and create an emotionally healing place for them.

1-Can I learn how to engage in meaningful conversation -- learning how to not interrupt or just talk about myself -- so I can really learn to listen to those around me?

2-Can I serve them in the ways they most need rather than the ways I am accustomed to?

3-Can I go to church events not just in automatic mode, but instead actively reach out and get to know people there?

4-Do I have the courage to reach out in the community, especially to those who I may feel like I have little in common with?

5-Am I brave enough to share my beliefs, even when I face skepticism or exclusion as the result?

6-Do I have enough faith to share the gospel even when I don't tangibly feel the joy I know it can provide? Can I be both genuine and hopeful?

I admit that the answer to many of these questions has been "nope," but I can keep repenting, and so can you! Although it will take courage to love people beyond a superficial level and to actively share our testimony of Christ through words and actions, I promise it will bless their lives and our lives in so many ways. The world needs people faithful in their testimony of Jesus Christ far more than it needs people who are good at being fun and relatable. As Elder Maxwell said, if we are valiant, "[We] could touch others deeply instead of merely being remembered pleasantly." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father") 

Thank you all for being this kind of friend to our family, the kind that has touched us deeply (though we will remember you pleasantly, too.)  Thank you to all of you for nurturing us while we've lived here. Thank you for bearing our burdens and comforting us through times of sadness. Thank you for feeding us, for watching our kids, for encouraging us, for including us, and for making space for us in your hearts. I have learned so much about charity by experiencing it firsthand.

I know that this kind of love is possible because we have Heavenly Parents and a Savior who operate the universe with this kind of love. I know we have a loving God because He sent His Son Jesus Christ to earth, and it is because of Him that I can hope to be with Heavenly Father again someday. It is because of Christ that we will see our families after we die, and it is because of Christ that we will even want to be with them. As D&C 130:2 states, "And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy."

I am so grateful for our covenants that give us a taste of that eternal glory. I am grateful that Joseph Smith trusted God to answer his questions, and that God trusted him to restore His priesthood power to the earth. I know that that power is real, and I know that this church still holds the keys to the priesthood. I know that there is life after death, and that temple ordinances really bless those who have passed on. I know that when we have holes in our hearts or testimonies, or gaps between us and God or us and each other, Christ's grace will fill in the holes and the gaps, for He is mighty to save.

  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.