Faith, feelings, and parenting

I feel like the last few months have been a crash course in not just parenting but in relationships in general, and I have definitely learned a lot.

A lot of what I've learned can be summed up in these articles I've read in the past few days:

Indulgent Suffering -- I liked this because it reminded me that I have nothing to prove. I am not owed anything for the amount of suffering I endure, so there's no reason to put up with any kind of suffering. And that includes suffering associated with parenting.

How I Turned a Difficult Child Around By Turning Myself Around -- I think this sums up a lot of what I've learned the past few months. Just decide to be calm, and if that doesn't work figure out what's preventing you from staying calm. I don't always succeed, but my kids are definitely calmer if I've stayed consistently calm for a few days.

What's on Your Mind? - - Anger -- Joseph and I read this today and it had a lot of great ideas. A few hours later, he got upset and I suggested the poses in there. "I know what they are, I just don't want to do them!"
"Do you want to be happy or mad right now?" I asked.
He paused for a moment. "Mad!"
"Okay. It's okay to be mad for a little while," I said.
That's honestly the last thing I remember about it, and the next thing I knew he was fine again. It doesn't always work like that, but maybe today was better because we had tons of quality time all afternoon.

Two other ideas have helped me when I apply them. (Kevin and my mom can attest that I don't always apply them, and sometimes I get super angsty. But at least I have the tools now!)

1. The first is something I talked about with Joseph today. He was feeling really guilty because he had knocked a corner of a quilt down off the wall and couldn't fix it. It took me all of 5 seconds to fix it, but I could tell he was still upset.
"I learned something this year," I told him. "When you feel guilty or scared or anxious or angry, it's okay to sit with those for a minute. It's okay to sit and feel guilty for a little while. Then you can ask the guilty feelings if they're ready to go away. And usually, they are."
This didn't really make sense to him, which is okay. But it's been helpful for me. I know I blame myself for things that aren't my fault sometimes and the temptation is to talk myself out of it rationally. That's definitely the right destination, but sometimes I can't get there just by thinking. But if I let myself think, "I did something a little wrong and it indirectly might have done something that affected someone else," and just be mindful of the guilty swirlings inside of me and heat in my face, then I can let go of those emotions a lot faster.
I think it's okay to feel guilty about things -- too much time on your phone, not praying, thinking unkindly, eating too much junk, etc. We worry about wallowing in mom guilt so we try to avoid it, but really the best thing to do is to approach the feelings gently, sit with them, and then set them down as tenderly as you would a newborn.

2. The second idea is to put yourself a few hours in the future when you're in a stressful moment.
Let's take this morning for example. A lot of things went right -- the boys played together reasonably well, Jacob slept for 7 hours, and there were cinnamon rolls waiting for me that I had made last night -- but oh, there was a lot stressing me. I didn't want to leave the house at all because I was so sick of new germs making my kids sick. When I got Jacob I saw that his eyes were crusted over. I was supposed to unlock the church for playgroup. Matthew ate only frosting off a cinnamon roll for breakfast and was having meltdown after meltdown. Three kids were crying at once. Kevin was leaving for the airport. School was canceled. Snow and freezing rain were imminent. Kevin's flight was delayed, and he didn't think he'd make his connection. I called the doctor and they never called back, which made me worry that by the time they told me to come in, I'd have to drive in worse conditions. A few different friends invited our kids to play. I definitely had a moment where I sat hunched over on the bed, knees up to my chest, muttering to myself, "I hate everything."

But I just had to imagine what life could be like at the end of the day. Maybe the day would go that I would make it safely to the doctor's office and back and Jacob would get the medicine he needed and my kids would get to play with their friends in the meantime. Maybe the doctor would call and say we could take care of things at home. Somehow Kevin would get to his interview. Maybe my kids would get along pretty well. Maybe I would never have to leave the house.

As it turned out, many of my wishes ended up happening. Someone else unlocked the church for playgroup. Joseph got to play in the snow. Matthew took a nap. Joseph and I had a lot of fun with e day crafts (more on that later). Eventually I heard back from the doctor's office that home care was fine. My friends were patient and accommodating as I changed plans two or three times. Kevin's connecting flight was delayed so he got where he needed to (albeit with no gloves). Jacob was cute and sweet all day even with eyes that reminded me of the time I gave myself two black eyes on the playground just days before my sophomore school pictures and I looked so bad for the pictures that my best friend burst into laughter when she saw me (they ended up doctoring the picture into my favorite school picture ever). Overall, most of the day was smooth sailing. (We're not out of stormy waters yet since his eyes aren't better, but it will be easier to drive to the doctor's office other times this week if we need to.)

So yeah. Moments that feel like two black eyes might really just result in days that are picture perfect. The trick is just to have faith.