My talk 7/31/2016

Today, I gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting. After providing a brief intro about our family, here's what I had to say:

Before I get too far into the talk, I want to speak to the kids and toddlers first. Let me explain why. Last year I counted how many kids were in the ward and discovered 70 were ages 3 and younger. 70! And then 50 more in Junior Primary! Numbers might have changed, but probably not a ton. So, I think you Primary and nursery kids deserve a good chunk of attention since you make up a good chunk of the ward. So, Joseph, and all of Joseph’s friends, I just want to let you know that I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real, and they love you so much. And we can share their love with everybody, too! I also want you to know that your parents and grandparents and teachers love you so much too. Sometimes you might get mad at your mom or dad. Sometimes they might get mad at you. But because Jesus Christ died for us, we all can change our minds and be kind again! We can even become like Jesus someday!

If your kids are loud the rest of the time now, that's okay. That’s basically the whole talk in a nutshell.

[side note: I did notice it get a lot louder right after this. Mostly because Matthew started yelling and kept making noise the rest of the time.]

I also want to speak to those of you who, for whatever reason, may not feel like you fit the mold. Perhaps you are here for your first or second time, and this just feels totally new and strange -- though hopefully totally awesome too. Maybe you are here without some or all of your family. Maybe you are battling health challenges, or struggling with various needs in loved ones. Maybe you are hearing this from the hallway, wondering why on earth you're even coming when you are only getting a few drops of goodness here and there. Perhaps you are coming even though the church no longer brings you the joy you thought it should.

If you fit into any of these categories, please know that I think you are brave and amazing, and the rest of us have so much to learn from you. Thank you for being here. I have the same message for you as I did for the Primary kids -- Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are real, and they love you so much! And one of the wonderful things about being a member of this church is the many ways we can receive that love and learn how to really love God and all of His children.

One of the ways we express and receive that love is through covenants, which are sacred agreements we make with God. The first covenant that brings us into the church is baptism. As explained in the Gospel Principles manual, "We covenant with the Savior at baptism to take upon ourselves His name." We thus become His representatives on earth, becoming part of His church, remembering Him in our day to day lives, bearing each other's burdens, and standing as a witness of God.  Then, in the temple we make covenants which bring us from a fallen world back into the presence of God. And then, the final covenant is the marriage covenant, in which we decide that we love another one of God's children enough to be stuck with them for the rest of forever.

Each of these covenants creates ties between us and someone else. With these covenants we attach ourselves to our church, our God, and individuals. Today I was asked to talk about being covenant people and how we can better dedicate our lives to God and to His Children.

The first step in becoming a covenant people is to consecrate, or dedicate, your life to the Lord.  Consecration means loving God more than anything in the world. The Savior taught that the first and great commandment is "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:37) The second commandment is like unto it, which is loving our neighbor, but, as President Monson said, "We cannot fully love our fellowmen if we do not love God, the Father of us all." (Love, the Essence of the Gospel)

Why is it not enough to love our neighbors? Why can't we just perform acts of service and be good listeners and call it good?

The reason for me is that if I try to be good without loving God first, I end up focusing on myself. These acts do not glorify God which is in heaven (Matthew 5:16) but instead turn into a chance to prove to myself that I am righteous enough. It is when I love God first that I forget about my own pride and provide the love that my friends and family really need.

But how can we love God? How can we consecrate our time and talents to God without feeling overwhelmed by what might be required?

I think the answer is gratitude. I like what Suzy Stein said a few weeks ago. "When we are in a place of gratitude, we have a sense of abundance rather than a sense of scarcity. When we recognize that we are abundantly blessed, we are naturally more inclined to reach out to others, to help and bless our brothers and sisters, because we feel we have something to give."

The thing we can be most grateful for is Jesus Christ's Atonement. He loves us enough that He suffered every sin and temptation for us so He can rescue us when we fall. When we are filled with gratitude for this incredible gift, we realize that it is worth giving up all of our sins to know Him (Alma 22:18).

Sometimes those sins are large, but often the small ones do just as effective of a job from blocking us from feeling God's love. More often than I care to admit, I've done things that I shouldn't. I've been too impatient, or I've judged people unfairly. When I'm in those circumstances, I've found there are two options.

Option A: Justify my new position as the correct position. People need to change to meet me where I am. Prayers need to be answered the way I want, usually with other people changing. Luckily, before long, the dissonance I feel living like this leads me to 

Option B. I realize that, like Paul, "It is hard to kick against the pricks." It’s time to repent. One time in particular, I was upset over a long list of incidents where I felt like I had been treated unfairly over and over again. And, you know, maybe I was. But while I was in my state of unrighteous indignation, a whisper sneaked into my heart. "Is it possible that you are wrong, too?" I suddenly realized that no matter how I had been treated, I was not acting in a way that was aligned with God's will for me. I may have been wronged, but more importantly, I was wrong. I was suddenly filled with immense desire to no longer be wrong anymore. I began to plead with God to forgive me, and I was filled with an immense amount of love that changed my outlook on the situation. It didn't fix everything immediately, but it gave me the strength and wisdom to handle the situation better.

I've had other experiences where I have felt rescued by God's grace. Sometimes the rescue isn't necessarily about sin. Sometimes His grace has come on days where I am ready to explode or throw the towel in. His love is there for me to borrow, along with a whisper of, "you should let yourself get more sleep" or "you should ask someone for help." Repentance is a chance to improve all areas of our life to be closer to God and His glorious light. 

As we grow closer to God by consecrating our lives to Him, we will have to give things up. This has been absolutely terrifying to me. I've often thought of a quote from a novel by Shannon Hale to describe my fear in giving up things I'm used to: "She's a thornbush protecting a hare that's too skinny to eat." The hare that's too skinny to eat might be a bad habit or some other shortcoming, but to give it up seems like giving up a part of myself. But, as the monk Thomas Merton said,

"We are only really ourselves when we completely consent to "receive" the glory of God into ourselves. Our true self is, then, the self that receives freely and gladly the missions that are God's supreme gift to his [children]" (New Seeds of Contemplation, 42)

Like Lucy Teichert said last week, I think it's okay to feel sad about sacrifices we are asked to make. But, ultimately, we need to make those sacrifices to become closer to God and to each other. This is what it means to be a covenant people -- to be willing to give up our pride, our desires, our popularity, and our power -- because we know that Christ has engraved us on His palms and we in turn can engrave His image in our countenance. As He covenanted with Abraham, He will be our God and we will be His people, and the joy we feel when we recognize His grace will give us the courage to truly follow Him.

One thing I've realized about the Atonement that helps me keep my covenants better is that it is not only about becoming one with God but also becoming one with each other. Just as there is a gap between us and God, there are gaps between us and everyone else. Given enough time, enough sleep deprivation, enough colds and headaches, and enough hunger, we will rub each other wrong. It is one of the most wonderful things about living in close quarters with people for a little while. Why? Because it is a great chance to see the Atonement in action. Will we set aside our differences to understand each other's point of view? Will we set aside our judgments to comfort those in need of comfort? Will we set aside our pride to apologize to those we have offended? It is often after these experiences that we learn the most about love and the most about grace.

Just as we must learn to love those closest to us, we must also develop the spiritual muscles to know how to reach outside our immediate circle. This can be difficult because we have so many of our own stresses and concerns. With so many other demands on our attention, it can be easy to forget, as Elder Maxwell said, “the hands which hang down and most need to be lifted up” that “belong to those too discouraged even to reach out anymore." (Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father)

How do we learn how to lift the hands which hang down?

A recent Facebook post from Elder D. Todd Christofferson offers some ideas. "Others will know and feel of our love and Heavenly Father’s love for them when we simply remember them. Something as small as a letter, a text message, or a phone call can be a great blessing. Being there to celebrate significant achievements or to grieve during times of loss make a lasting impression that will lift those in need and bring us closer together and closer to our Heavenly Father. . . .

These are some simple examples of keeping our baptismal covenants to “bear one another’s burdens,” “mourn with those that mourn,” and “comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”"

To be honest, this may seem easier to do with people who are in similar life circumstances. But as Bishop Gerald Causse said, "It is very likely that the next person converted to the gospel in your ward will be someone who does not come from your usual circle of friends and acquaintances." (No More Strangers, 2013) And they deserve our love and attention too. This has sometimes been tricky for me as I've listened to problems completely outside the realm of my experience because I've had no well of empathy I can draw from. What are we supposed to do then?

I'm comforted by Alma 7:12-13 which states that Christ "will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. 13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people."

We do not have to be the ultimate source of empathy. Christ has already taken it on Himself, and the Spirit knows all things. Thus, the closer we are to the Spirit, the closer we can be to the source of all healing. As Sister Neill F. Marriott said,

"With the help of the Holy Ghost, we can create an emotionally healing place for the discriminated against, the rejected, and the stranger. In these tender yet powerful ways, we build the kingdom of God. . . . [A]ll of us came to earth with these life-giving, nurturing, maternal gifts because that is God’s plan." (Neill L. Marriott, "What Shall We Do?")

I’ve often wondered how I can bring the Holy Ghost more into my life so I can be prepared to build the kingdom in these ways. Here are some questions I’ve considered as I attempt to draw closer to God and His Spirit.

1-Rather than spending my free time in the evenings getting lost in various distractions, could I instead do other tasks that typically take up daytime hours? Could I make time for more temple work and service by using all hours better?

2-Similarly, am I willing to do things which draw me closer to God, such as study my scriptures better, work on family history, and really pray?

3-In my various day-to-day duties, such as chores or taking care of kids, can I remember God and consecrate my work to him?

4-Can I show more gratitude for all that God has given me, especially in times of trial?

I believe these will changes help us recognize the Holy Ghost better. I've also considered the following questions as I've wondered how to serve God's children better and create an emotionally healing place for them.

1-Can I learn how to engage in meaningful conversation -- learning how to not interrupt or just talk about myself -- so I can really learn to listen to those around me?

2-Can I serve them in the ways they most need rather than the ways I am accustomed to?

3-Can I go to church events not just in automatic mode, but instead actively reach out and get to know people there?

4-Do I have the courage to reach out in the community, especially to those who I may feel like I have little in common with?

5-Am I brave enough to share my beliefs, even when I face skepticism or exclusion as the result?

6-Do I have enough faith to share the gospel even when I don't tangibly feel the joy I know it can provide? Can I be both genuine and hopeful?

I admit that the answer to many of these questions has been "nope," but I can keep repenting, and so can you! Although it will take courage to love people beyond a superficial level and to actively share our testimony of Christ through words and actions, I promise it will bless their lives and our lives in so many ways. The world needs people faithful in their testimony of Jesus Christ far more than it needs people who are good at being fun and relatable. As Elder Maxwell said, if we are valiant, "[We] could touch others deeply instead of merely being remembered pleasantly." (Neal A. Maxwell, "Swallowed Up in the Will of the Father") 

Thank you all for being this kind of friend to our family, the kind that has touched us deeply (though we will remember you pleasantly, too.)  Thank you to all of you for nurturing us while we've lived here. Thank you for bearing our burdens and comforting us through times of sadness. Thank you for feeding us, for watching our kids, for encouraging us, for including us, and for making space for us in your hearts. I have learned so much about charity by experiencing it firsthand.

I know that this kind of love is possible because we have Heavenly Parents and a Savior who operate the universe with this kind of love. I know we have a loving God because He sent His Son Jesus Christ to earth, and it is because of Him that I can hope to be with Heavenly Father again someday. It is because of Christ that we will see our families after we die, and it is because of Christ that we will even want to be with them. As D&C 130:2 states, "And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy."

I am so grateful for our covenants that give us a taste of that eternal glory. I am grateful that Joseph Smith trusted God to answer his questions, and that God trusted him to restore His priesthood power to the earth. I know that that power is real, and I know that this church still holds the keys to the priesthood. I know that there is life after death, and that temple ordinances really bless those who have passed on. I know that when we have holes in our hearts or testimonies, or gaps between us and God or us and each other, Christ's grace will fill in the holes and the gaps, for He is mighty to save.

  In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

July Holidays

I'm always up for celebrating a holiday, and July is full of them! And since Joseph is old enough to do lots of crafts, we have even more ways to celebrate and decorate!

So, here's some of what we've done this month:

4th of July: Joseph had a few play dates the week before the 4th of July. That was about the time that I realized I ought to decorate, so I had him and his friends help.

With one of his friends, we made patriotic wreaths out of paper plates and flags out of popsicle sticks. With another friend, I added fireworks to Joseph's birthday cityscape out of painted Q-tips. I also changed out the Superman birthday banner for a patriotic banner. One night, I decided that I knew how to make slipcovers, so I made one out of scrap fabric. 

The Saturday before the 4th, Joseph and I gathered wildflowers (one of the vases had pink, white, and lavender flowers that almost looked red, white and blue) and had fun covering the sidewalk with chalk fireworks and the number 4. Overall, I think it helped make the holiday more meaningful, so it was worth the bit of effort we put in. (And then the day of we subjected Joseph to as much Schoolhouse Rock as we could in addition to the pancake breakfast, barbecues, fireworks, etc.)

(Oh. And Joseph celebrated fireworks by not being afraid of them or covering his ears but instead yelling at them in a very manly way from a safe distance.)

7/11 day: We did not go get Slurpees. But we thought about it.

7/12: We did not celebrate Cow Appreciation day by getting a free meal at Chick-Fil-A. It's an hour away, and Joseph had a fever and our air conditioner leaked through the floor and dripped into the basement (stressful, but everything was fine. Even though Kevin was in Spain.).

Instead of going anywhere, we celebrated cows by making a cow out of a paper plate. Some water got spilled on it, so its eye disappeared, but it was still pretty cute.

I also enlisted the help of my Facebook friends to think of good cow puns, and I was not disappointed.

July 14th: We celebrated Bastille Day by looking at our Madeline book and making Lego buildings that loosely resembled the buildings in Paris and eating crepes with friends.

Eiffel Tower. Sort of.

July 20th: We celebrated Moon Landing day about a week early by going to the little moon exhibit in the Francois Xavier Bagnoud Building next the wave field. I'm still so amazed that real live humans stepped on the moon!

July 24th: We celebrated Pioneer Day by eating leftovers from the fridge because pioneers didn't have fridges. I tried to sing and play some pioneer songs from the Children's Songbook but neither kid was interested in them. Joseph and I finished reading The Boxcar Children which is sort of about pioneers in the 1940s. I pushed my kids around in a stroller which might have kind of been like a handcart. I sent my husband off to the modern equivalent of the Mormon Battalion (two back to back priesthood meetings he was gone for from 5 pm to 9:20 pm). I listened to a podcast from the Legacy series on Mormon Channel.

There are a few more holidays worth celebrating this month, so we'll see if we celebrate them or not. I'm tempted to hold out on celebrating Harry Potter's birthday until Joseph's old enough to really appreciate the books. And of course, we don't celebrate Christmas in July. I guess I did buy some things on Prime Day, but that's different.

He did it!

After 4 years . . .

. . . after countless early mornings and late nights of doing homework and writing papers

. . . after conferences in Hawaii, Belgium, Paris, Montreal, Shanghai, and Barcelona (the only stateside conferences were in Michigan and Utah, actually)

. . . after coming home day after day saying "I've figured out the bug/proof!" then the next day "No I haven't" then the next day "okay, I think I found a solution but we need stronger boundary conditions"

. . . after pages and pages of tricky algebra

. . . after 250+ pages of dissertation (that I've promised to read someday . . . though it would be easier if they printed it out)

. . . Kevin has defended his thesis! He is going to get a PhD! (And a math masters too, but I usually forget that part.)

I am so impressed with all of his hard work. I know how frustrating it can be to do research, to chip away for months and months at a problem with no end in sight, so to see him persevere is inspiring. And in the midst of all this he's managed to volunteer with a lot of things on campus, magnify his callings (the church never looked so clean as when he was its careful steward, and he's been great with the deacons too [even going camping with them]), and be a devoted husband and father. 

He is one impressive guy, that's for sure. I sure am lucky to be married to him.

I sneaked a few pictures during his defense. He did a great job!

After he passed!

The other Dr. Moon came to support the new Dr. Moon. Fun to see you, Dad!

We are so proud of him, and so excited for our upcoming adventures!

Wet with the Dew of Heaven

Friday morning, I was pretty excited to go to an appointment with the sister missionaries. For the first time in what felt like forever, I didn't think I was going to be late to something. I had even woken Matthew up early from his nap to be on time. After I changed his diaper, we'd be all set to go.

As I began the wrestling match, I heard my phone ringing. It was from the missionaries, so I figured I should answer. I wasn't terribly surprised when they told me that the appointment was canceled since it's been more than three years since an appointment I was going along to wasn't canceled. I was just grateful I found out before I got to the empty apartment. (And not sure why I was excited in the first place, actually.)

I hung up the phone, finished putting a new diaper on Matthew now that I had two hands again, and stood up to throw the diaper away. After walking just a few steps, I realized that my shorts were totally soaked. I had taken a gamble answering that phone call before putting a new diaper on him, and I was now paying the wet, smelly price. I changed my clothes, cleaned things up, and laughed it off.

***

Today I played a musical number in church. I spent the first few talks of Sacrament Meeting wrestling with Matthew, oblivious to the time, so before I knew it I could tell the talk right before my piece was winding down. I had walked to church today and hadn't gotten a drink, so I was really, really thirsty. I definitely didn't need water in order to play the piano, but I sure wanted it!

I grabbed the cup Joseph and Matthew shared for water, unscrewed the lid and took a quick sip. Matthew reached over and splashed just a little bit on me before I managed to close the lid.

"Whew! That was a close one! Imagine if he had actually gotten more water on my skirt!" I thought. And then I looked down at it. Those few splashes were enough to make a giant wet spot on my champagne colored skirt.

Well, no going back now. I went up to the stand, played the piece, and walked back down, although I admit I did try to hold the music just so to cover up the spot . . . knowing all the while it would just draw attention to that area. Whatever. People who see wet spots can probably guess where they come from, which is usually water.

***

I've talked before about the fake (although great) quote attributed to Marjorie Pay Hinckley:

“I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.
I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.
I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children.
I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden.
I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.
I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

I don't know how exactly I will arrive in heaven, but my pants will probably be very, very wet.

Beats sticky cheeks and dirty fingernails.

Nifty Fifty

Last month, the boys and I headed to Utah for a week to celebrate my mom's 50th birthday. Everyone not on a mission managed to be there, so it was a lot of fun.

I've talked before about how awesome my mom is, and my sister did a fun tribute to her as well, so this post will be more of a recap of what we did while we were together.

Here are some highlights:

• Not being on an airplane anymore.
  

  

  This was such a lovely, welcome sight . . . for the last 20 minutes.
• Sitting on soft Kentucky bluegrass. Seriously the stuff feels like velvet compared to the poky grass in the Midwest.
  

  

  
  

• Joseph surviving this slide.

  

  
  

• Meeting my 9-day-old nephew G., who is pictured here, but only sort of.

  

  
  

• Enjoying the lovely Logan River trail at its loveliest.

  

  
  

• Hanging with my niece (and soul sista) K., who mistook me for her mom enough to not be scared of me.

  

  
  

• Seeing Kaylie laugh at this sign.

  

  
  

• Going to a splash pad and running into our friends the Tanners there! (not pictured. oops.)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Taking pictures of beautiful baby G.
  
  
  
  

  

  There are about 40 other pictures but I figured you couldn't handle the cuteness overload.

• Heading up to Utah State with my dad and sons. Kevin's train is still in safe hands.

  

  
  

• Watching my talented brother-in-law Matt win a few matches of tennis. He's pretty much famous.
• Sending Joseph to the backyard to go camping for two nights. (The other nights he slept diagonally in my bed, so this was really nice!)

  

  
  

• Dealing with Joseph going to bed at 10 pm Mountain Time and waking up . . . too early. (Actually, this was not a highlight . . . it was part of most every day. My poor child.)
• Seeing all my family members sleep-deprived, stressed, not feeling well, etc. and still trying oh so hard to be polite and patient with each other. And mostly succeeding.
• Attending the temple when my brother received his endowment. Spain is going to get an awesome missionary!
  

  

  
  

• Vacuuming a lot.
• Reaping the blessings of having a sister on the mission such as being able to borrow her swimsuit. (And lots of her other clothes made it home with me.)

  

  
  

• Enjoying a beautiful day at Bear Lake, complete with some sugar-coma shakes.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  This girl had no fear.

  
  
  
• Having my mom give my boys haircuts because it always looks better when she does it.
• Driving very fast on I-15 down to Orem and still getting tailed. It was crazy land! (But I was never scared, which was a blessing.)
• Getting to see most of Kevin's family!!! They were so kind to all meet up with us, even for just a few hours. I don't think I have enough good things to say about them.
• Watching Matthew love on Craig's shirt.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Watching Joseph play with his cousins.
• Watching Joseph play with second cousins.

  

  At one point, the three big boys all had their legs out and Matthew crawled through, but by the time I grabbed my camera they were just doing this.

• Seeing my grandma. She even fed us dinner!
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Attending my sister's stake play. I think this was one of my favorite versions of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." Just the right amount of silliness. And it is the perfect musical to take a toddler to, even when it's way past his/her bedtime. (Especially with a child named Joseph.) And of course, Leslie was the most fun to watch of all the cast members.
• Talking with Spencer on the ride home about dating and whatnot.
• Not getting the gum and sunglasses stolen from my car.
• Not hiking the Wind Caves.
• Still vacuuming a lot.
• Not brushing my teeth with tap water from Mexico.
• Not buying my mom a tree because it was a rainy day. (We really did consider, it Mom!)
• Hanging out with Leslie.



The rain hadn't started by the time this picture was taken, but it started pretty soon after.

• Eating at Elements for my mom's birthday meal. (It wasn't actually her birthday, but we counted it.)
• Playing the "Person Game" with my family. We are hilarious.

  

  And cute.

• Celebrating K.'s first birthday with cherry chip cake. She ate a lot of it, and what she didn't Matthew ate off the floor for her.

  

  Happy cousin story time.

• Only being in the room for the cool parts of "Independence Day" when my dad was watching it.
• Being introduced multiple times at my parents' ward as Kyra Moon Moon (never by my parents, I might add). This never happens when I go to Duchesne.
• Losing a wipes box I had just found/claimed as my own/received as a gift from a friend who said she didn't need it anymore even though it probably wasn't the one I had lost. (I had been pretty excited to have it back, so it was funny that I lost it so fast.)
  

  

  Bright side is, I got to see him that day, too. He's cuter than a wipes box.

• Watching people make boats to sail down a nearby irrigation ditch.

  

  

  Joseph might have been cheating.

• Watching people extricate the boats from a long tunnel in the ditch using sticks and poles of all varieties.

  

  I think the milk jug was the main culprit, but there were others.

• Going on a walk with my parents again on the Logan River Trail, and having a picture taken by the Logan City mayor who was walking by.

  

  
  

  
  
  
  

• Watching the end of a really cool lightning storm.
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• Going through TSA Pre Check. It's been a while!
• Not being on an airplane anymore, and most importantly . . . seeing Kevin again!

It was a great trip, and at least 70% of the time it made me want to live in Cache Valley. (The other 30% of the time was probably when I was sleep-deprived and grumpy and trying to get Joseph to eat foods he didn't want to, so those probably shouldn't be factored into the statistics that much.)

Happy birthday mom! Thanks for letting us celebrate with you!

7/7/14

Today marks the two year anniversary of my second miscarriage.

In a lot of ways, it's not really a big deal anymore. Matthew is almost one now, so the story has a happy ending.

Nevertheless, it's part of my life, and there is a bit of solemnity and sacredness I feel as I remember that Monday morning that tore my heart in two.

I want to remember the little miracles that happened during those first few days, so I'm writing them down and sharing them with you.

As I've written about before, I went to the doctor that morning the most excited I had been in my whole life. Unlike my previous pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage in early February, I had had morning sickness and other symptoms, so I knew there was a growing fetus in there. When my doctor did the ultrasound, she confirmed what I knew: "There's definitely a 9-week old fetus in there." But after a few minutes of moving the probe around and fiddling with the ultrasound machine, she turned to look at me with tears in her eyes. "There's no heartbeat."

I was stunned, and I began to sob. I also didn't know what to do -- I was supposed to watch my friend's kids while she had an appointment with the exact same OB/GYN in just a few minutes, but there was no way I could do it. I contacted Kevin, who contacted her, and her husband was able to watch them while she had her quick appointment. Meanwhile, I sat in the room and cried and then tried to look like I hadn't been crying. When my doctor came back and told me she was done, I sneaked out and made a beeline toward the car.

Miracle 1: I wasn't able to sneak past my friend. She saw me, guessed what had happened, and gave me a hug. And she said to not worry about watching her kids for the remainder of the swap we had scheduled that day. And, although I had mixed feelings about her telling the Relief Society presidency about it, in the end I'm grateful she did because the next day . . .

Miracle 2: I got this email from someone in the presidency:

"So... You were on my mind, and I dismissed it because it was sort of random. You entered my thoughts again and then I received an email from [my friend] telling me about seeing you at the doc (please don't be bothered with her for telling. Her intentions were loving). Kyra, I am so sorry. I know how much you want another baby. I know nothing I can say will really help, and I haven't gone through what you are, but I thought just knowing those little details of me thinking of you while on vacation may be helpful. Why? Because it's evidence that God knows you and is watching out for you. He cares about you and uses us, your friends, to help you know that."

Isn't that a nice email? (And, that same person has said I've been on her mind other times when I've had bad days, so she just must have some good connection to heaven.)

Now, to be honest, at the time I didn't fully appreciate that or any of the other sweet gestures from the other members of the Relief Society presidency because I refused to believe that my miscarriage actually occurred. I spent the better part of two days convinced that the heartbeat had come back and convinced that if I doubted that for a second, the miracle wouldn't last. I spent that time praying and watching Joseph play in the perfect July weather, all the while feeling a huge sense of peace about the situation. As those presidency members emailed or came by with cards, I would think, "Thanks, but I don't need these regrets. Things will work out fine."

When I woke up Wednesday morning wanting to throw up, I took it as another good sign. But at the appointment, the miscarriage was confirmed. I can't say I was really surprised -- there had always been that gentle voice at the very back of my mind saying it wouldn't work -- but I was still severely disappointed. So gloomily, if not tearfully (I had put on mascara precisely so I wouldn't let myself cry), I went down to the lab to start doing blood work.

The nurse who drew my blood was the same one who had drawn it two weeks earlier for standard pregnancy blood work, and she remembered me since I had decided to strike up conversation with her rather than just go into my mantra of listing square numbers (1, 4, 9, 16, . . . 3249, 3364 . . . ) to distract myself from the pain.

"Aren't you the one who almost passed out the other time?"

"I said I was afraid I was going to pass out, but I don't think I ever did," I responded without much emotion. That time it had been early morning and I was going on an emptier stomach than I would have liked. Either way, free apple juice.

As she rubbed alcohol on my arm, she asked, "Do you go to church?"

"Yes. The Church of Jesus Christ on Green Road. Do you?"

"I sure do! I go to the church on [some road]. I just got saved last week."

"That's wonderful!" I said, wincing as she put the needle in. I said something about the Holy Ghost and hearts and trying to say something that would make sense to other Christians. And then came the next miracle.

Miracle 3. "Mmhmm," she said. "I really have that glow now. You have it too. That's how I could tell you go to church."

Now. Of all the words that might have described me at that time, "glowy" would probably have been the last I would have chosen. Disappointed, discouraged, worried, betrayed, somber, and perhaps even a bit angry at God would have all fit better. Nor could it have been any sort of pregnancy glow, as any evidence of that was quickly dissipating.

And yet she was somehow able to see past all the physical cues and perceive that I still had a Heavenly Father who loved me, who was pouring out His Spirit on me as much as He could.

At that time, I wasn't having it. The feelings of peace and love I had enjoyed the past two days were replaced by numbness, and it was that numbness I took with me to a cabin that afternoon. In fact, I wasn't even sure why I was going to that cabin. The last thing I wanted to do was try and have fun with friends when I felt like a walking graveyard.

Miracle 4: I went anyway. Perhaps it was even a miracle we got invited -- I felt like we had just become friends with the people organizing the cabin trip, and the next thing we knew they wanted us to hang out with them for 3 days in the middle of the woods in the middle of Michigan. I was numb and antisocial when we got there, rushing straight from the car to our room the minute we got there (although . . . that was probably also because I had accidentally spilled barbecue sauce all over the seat of my pants on the drive there, and that's just gross), but I slowly felt like talking to other human beings again.

Before I knew what was happening, I was blurting out my bad news to a couple of guys, which made it easier to gradually share with other friends. With distractions such as ultimate frisbee, Killer Bunnies, tubing, and the constantly-running Lego Movie, I was temporarily catapulted out of my grief. And not only that, but by sharing a bit of my pain with those around me, I had connected with people in ways I never had before.

And then, when all of that was said and done, when weeks had gone by and the ordeal had come to a close, when I was still engulfed in grief and unable to tell close friends and family members about it . . .

Miracle 5: I could still feel Heavenly Father's love, at least whenever I let it back in. I still had no good answer for why He didn't just reach in and fix a chromosome here and a capillary there, or why He didn't convince the little person in my uterus to just hang in there. I had no real answer for why I felt so confident that the Spirit told me that the miscarriage hadn't happened, and it made me wary of false positives, a wariness I am still clinging to. But even with those doubts and worries, sometimes as I was falling asleep I'd feel a little voice in my heart saying, "You realize people are praying for you, right?" Sometimes there'd be names attached of people who had prayed (generally family members), sometimes not, but it always left me with the comfort that God was aware of me, even if I wasn't always aware of how He spoke to me.

Two years have passed since those sad, sacred days. My miscarriages wounded me and made me more likely to overreact or feel terribly alone, but they also made me more compassionate, more connected to other women, and more understanding of people when they made mistakes. It's something I never want to experience again, but at the same time it was a small price to pay to feel God's love so deeply.

Consanguinity

After family prayer the other night, Kevin and I kissed as we usually do. Instead of the quick peck, we kept kissing for a few seconds.

When we looked up, Joseph was looking at us with a look of utter disgust.

"What's the matter?" we asked.

"It's  . . . WEIRD!" he said after some hesitation.

"Someday you'll like to do that," Kevin told him. "Someday you'll marry a girl and want to kiss her."

"I want Mommy to have a baby sister," he responded. "So I can marry her."

We tried to explain that that's not how it usually works. We gave examples of his friends with little sisters and told him that they wouldn't get married. He looked genuinely surprised by this news.

"Who can I marry then?"

We listed off a bunch of girls roughly his age to give him some ideas. "Actually, it's probably someone you don't know yet," Kevin said.

"Or . . . I could marry Mommy!"

Or . . . not. I was pretty flattered though.

Deluge of Movies

Tonight, I find myself at my friend's house watching over sleeping kids while Kevin continues writing and writing and writing (he wrote 8 pages of proofs yesterday, for example . . . wow!).

So, no better time to upload all the videos that have been collecting computer dust!

First, a few observations:

-I sing "if you're happy and you know it" a lot.

-Despite making videos of kids for 4 years now, this is the blurriest (not my fault) and shakiest (my fault) set of the bunch! Oh well!

-I have been remiss in my parenting and have failed to record Matthew's latest and cutest dance moves. I guess I can do more next time!

-It's funny watching older movies from the middle of April because he still hadn't figured out how to roll over even though he knew how to crawl. Man. The days when he was still immobile were glorious.

Without further ado, here we go!

-I love to hear them laugh!

-This is mostly to admire his cute legs and feet

-Smart boy!

-Any sound is worth bouncing to.

-I can't remember how many of these I uploaded. It's a great song.

-The word superhero is pretty cool.

-Matthew has always thought hats of any kind are the funniest thing ever, and the funniest of them all is a helmet.

-Here are 3 fairly typical minutes of Matthew. I do sing a lot of  "if you're happy and you know it," but there's other stuff too.

-He loves those letters, and he loves to throw most everything

-For a while, if he liked something he would say "bah buh." So, we're glad he likes Jesus.

-He also likes to clean with a rag or wipe.

-A movie about Joseph again! He is such a stud.

-The boys tend to squabble a bit more now that Matthew can get into Joseph's toys, but we can find ways to make them both happy.

-He actually has a pretty clear "thank you," but this is the only movie I could find where he really said it. It works!

-Matthew just has so much to say!

-And last, but not least . . . nothing is more fun than a balloon. For everyone involved.

We sure love our boys!