How to never get a girlfriend

I feel like it's about time for another one of my pregnancy rants (rants I feel okay making because I'm pregnant, not rants about being pregnant). This one is about dating, everyone's favorite topic.

There are a lot of people I know who want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and don't. There are two basic problems associated with this: not finding the right person, and not being the right person. For those who simply haven't found the right person, I'm not too worried. Eventually he or she will fall into your life.

What concerns me more is those who struggle "being" the right person. While everyone is different and everyone is attracted to different types of people, I still think there are some indicators that make a person more or less attractive. I've looked at some common pitfalls that may prevent you from forming successful relationships.

Before I begin the list, there are two things to note. The first is that I do not claim to be perfect in any of these categories. Far from it. Making this list has been eye-opening for myself and is as much a call to action for me as it is for everyone. The second note is that this list may be written more towards men than women.  This is probably because I am female, so I know what is off-putting about men to me personally, whereas I can only guess what's off-putting about women. But the advice applies to both genders.

Without further ado, here is a list of 10 common attributes of people who are struggling in the relationship department.

1. Hating on the opposite gender. (For my dad and others who may not be familiar with the jargon, hating on is a relatively new term basically meaning to bash. It's not quite the same as hating.)  It's kind of a bad idea because you're trying to snag someone of the opposite gender!

But, you say, I'm just hating on certain attributes of the opposite gender. I don't plan to date people like that, so what's wrong with me hating on those attributes?

Good question. Let's take, for example, guys who hate on Twilight. (In my opinion, hating on Twilight is so 2008. Can't we move on already?) Twilight does set some ridiculously high standards for men and isn't a very good example of a healthy relationship, but to judge a girl based on whether she likes/liked Twilight is arbitrary and unfair. It doesn't mean she expects a relationship like that and it certainly doesn't define her. Yet I've seen Twilight used as a deal-breaker.

Or let's take another example. I recently heard a friend complain about girls who judged a guy based on his shoes. He's justified in not wanting to date those girls, but is he justified in complaining? The funny thing is, I'm a girl who really doesn't care about shoes at all and in fact purposely chose the flattest, boringest wedding shoes I could just to show how little I care about shoes. But I still didn't like his complaint. Why? Because some girls I care a lot about care about shoes, and I felt like his complaint about a few girls reflected a general disdain for all girls who may be petty about anything (which we all are).

And going the other direction, girls, most guys have played video games, like Star Wars, and care about sports at least a little. Deal with it.

2. Complain. It is not attractive at all. It sends the signal that you're a person who can't handle little problems in life or that you're so egotistical that you expect everyone to agree with you and fix your problems.

In particular, don't complain about dating or how hard it is to get a date in Utah. I find it ironic that people complain so much about the dating scene and then are surprised when it doesn't acquiesce to them. For those who pride themselves on not dating "after the manner of BYU," let me just say, it occasionally works! Give it a try!

3. Not take care of your appearance.  Guys, if you don't wash your hair daily, get rid of your unibrow and other unsightly hair, and wear unflattering clothes, you are unnecessarily limiting your prospects. Girls, if you don't wash your hair frequently, get rid of your unibrow and other unsightly hair (including above the upper lip), and wear unflattering clothes, you are also unnecessarily limiting your prospects.

4. Make jokes at others' expense. Don't ever ever ever ever ever do this. (Yes, I know plenty of happily married people who do this all the time, but don't do it.) You are never as funny as you think you are, and people will not trust you as much.

5. Criticize. No one is perfect. You will not marry someone who is perfect, and they probably need to be corrected every now and then. But if the ratio of kind to critical words is less than, I dunno, 20 to 1, you will not have a happy marriage. Trust me on this. The person who marries you has trusted you enough to share all their vulnerabilities with you, and it does not behoove you to betray that trust.
So since you ultimately want to get married, why not get into the habit of not criticizing now? Plus you'll be that much more attractive by giving up criticism.

6. Be too nerdy. (This one is mainly directed at guys.) Let's talk for a minute about how nerdy I am. I double majored in math and electrical engineering and got a master's in electrical engineering. I like factoring numbers in my head. I read textbooks for fun. In a lot of ways, I'm about as nerdy as they come.

And I have still come home from dates thinking, "Wow, he was way too nerdy for my liking."

How is that possible? Perhaps it's that the guy was nerdy in a different way (say a physics or computer programming kind of way). Perhaps it was that the guy dominated the conversation and talked only about nerdy ideas that I didn't care about.

Whatever the reason may be, don't be too nerdy!

How do you know if you're being too nerdy?
-If she's bored.
-If you're doing most of the talking.
-If you haven't found out what she's interested in and looked for commonalities.

Now, don't get me wrong. Everyone needs to be a nerd about something, be it math, cars, animals, or sociology. If you aren't at least mildly fascinated about something, then you're boring. But there's a difference between displaying fascination and being overbearing.

7. Overanalyze. I realized a few years ago that I really didn't like being analyzed. At first I was flattered by the attention, but then I felt like I was being invaded. I think most people are like that. We want to be understood, but we don't want to hang around people who make that their primary goal.

And what's wrong with overanalyzing a relationship? Well, most of the time it's unnecessary. Most people give fairly clear signals about how they're feeling so there's no point looking for subtleties. (If you are one of those people who pride themselves on subtleties, stop it. You're giving the rest of us a bad name.) People and relationships should be analyzed, but only to a point. If you're both happy, then keep going. If you're not, then stop.

8. Juggle too many people. Do you remember Teen Girl Squad? The Ugly One's catchphrase in the first episode was "I have a crush on every boy," said in her scratchy voice.

And in high school, that's okay. In fact, it's probably ideal in high school to get to know a lot of people and learn what flavors you like, so to speak (hooray for Young Women's metaphors about dating and Baskins and Robbins).

But there comes a point where it's good to have prospects, but not too many. Let's face it. You will probably meet people who have 6 out of 7 of the key attributes you're hoping for in a spouse, and you'll know 3 other people who have that missing 7th attribute. So what do you do? My opinion on the matter is that it's best to kind of focus on one at a time. You may find that the more time you spend with a given individual, the more or less that one attribute matters. Once you know that, you can either decide to pursue the relationship further or move on. But if you just sort of juggle those 4 people, then you've got yourself stuck in limbo where no one is quite satisfying but no one is quite worth abandoning either, and then you never progress.

9. Not be fun.  A few years ago, I made a mental list of party games that I didn't really like. They included frisbee, soccer, anything involving running, card games, strategy games, mafia-esque games, Settlers of Catan-esque games, chance games, or games like signs or fruitbasket.  Yeah, basically every kind of game except word games and charades games. Not surprisingly, it limited how much fun I could have at a party. So I decided to not hate those games anymore, and as a result parties are actually fun, even when I lose miserably.

The thing is, most people want to hang around someone who's fun at least most of the time and who can enjoy themselves most of the time. If you're overly particular about what counts as fun to you, then you're going to be kind of boring to be around.

10. Dislike yourself. If you've read the whole post up to this point (and if you have, you deserve a gold star. I promise that one of these days I'll just do short posts, or even just pictures of adorable babies), then you may have had one of these reactions:
-What? I had no idea that was unattractive!
-Yeah, I was already painfully aware of all my shortcomings. Thanks for rubbing it in, Kyra.

If you have the second reaction, you may already be wallowing in the depths of self-pity or despair. If you are, then get out! Almost everyone struggles with several things on this list, so you're not alone! The way to fix a problem is not by focusing on the problem but by focusing on the solution, the whole "assume a virtue if you have it not" thing. If you dislike yourself for not being perfect, then you're making it harder on yourself.

So what's the solution? Learn to like yourself! Learn to look in the mirror and be happy with the amazing person you already are. Are you perfect? Of course not! No one is! But I bet most anyone who you know would have plenty to praise about you. If you know that several of these pitfalls apply to you, then you're ahead of the game. You can be happy that you're aware of your weaknesses and be happy that they can become strengths. And that will make you all the more attractive.

Well, this has been long and opinionated. Like I said, there are a lot of things on this list that I need to improve on. I think my next post will be about the positive things I've noticed that happily married people do.

One last note: I haven't talked much about the spiritual side of dating. Remember that Heavenly Father loves and knows you and that His Son Jesus Christ died so that you can overcome your sins and weaknesses. Every mistake you have made has already been paid for through His Atonement, so we can forget the past and keep moving forward.