Livin' the dream

Well, we've kept Matthew alive for a month now. And what a glorious month it's been!

As I mentioned in Matthew's birth story, I never experienced a huge rush of endorphins after giving birth like I had hoped. But the next day, as I was holding him in my hospital bed, feeling a quiet sort of contentment pulse through my body, I thought, "Here it is. This is payday. This is what made all those months of heartache worth it."

If there's one thing I've learned this month, it's that things really can be everything you dreamed of. To be honest, I spent most of this pregnancy bracing myself for the worst. When you have two miscarriages within six months, it can sort of put you in a worst-case-scenario mindset. Each stillbirth I heard about (seriously, I didn't even know those still happened until last year) struck fear into my heart. I'd see GoFundMe pages about extended NICU stays and wonder if those were in store for us too. I thought that at best, I'd have a healthy but incredibly fussy baby. At worst, well, who knows.

But that hasn't been the case at all. Although there have been gunky days and tempers lost (3-year-olds don't magically become easier with the introduction of a baby, turns out), that calm contentment has kept on pulsing. And that is thanks, in large part, to this calm, content boy that has entered our home.

It astounds me, actually, how calm he is. He rarely cries and when he does it doesn't last long. He sleeps quite well at night (except for being a noisy sleeper), sleeps okayish during the day (you can't win 'em all), often lets me lay him on a blanket without protesting, and is just oh so oh so pleasant.

You know how you're supposed to track things like "first smile"? They say that those content smiles after nursing or while sleeping don't really count, which I understand. But he transitioned from those to "real" smiles so early and so seamlessly that I don't even know what counts as his first smile. But he's definitely done it, and he's repeated it often.

So, thank you Matthew, for bringing a piece of heaven into our house. We all love you, especially Joseph. In fact, he can't go to bed without running back downstairs to say good night to you a few times. And, as he likes to remind us, "Matthew loves me, and I love him."

It's been a good month.