Two Sendoffs

We've actually had a lot more than two sendoffs (one or both of us have been to an event or two every night since Tuesday, actually . . . no wonder packing took so long!), but I want to talk about two in particular that were sort of opposite of each other but both summed up so much of what I've loved of living here.

After Zumba on Friday, Brittany continued the tradition she's done when someone moves of having everyone go around the room and say something they like about the person moving. Which in this case was me. It made me feel awkward and self-conscious of course, but it also felt so good! It's like being alive for your funeral! They made me feel like a brave, thoughtful, kind, caring sort of person, and the only reason I didn't cry was because I had cried a little while exercising so I got it out of my system. (I'm getting good at that . . . I have had quite a few mini pre-cries lately so that when I talk to my friends I don't actually cry.) It was a special couple of minutes where I felt like I had achieved something that was once quite difficult for me.

When I came to Michigan straight out of a masters in electrical engineering I was pretty worried about learning to get along with other women because I hadn't had much experience with it lately. I had had really good friends in my ward, but I still didn't interact with them much simply because I was so busy. Once we moved here, I realized that I was going to spend a lot more time with women than I was used to, and it was often an angst-ridden, lonely adjustment. Gradually, I learned how to develop deep friendships both on an individual level and on a group level. I still have lots to learn, but it has been so wonderful feeling the love from so many amazing women.

The other sendoff wasn't nearly as formal. It was today in my very muggy house that was being emptied of boxes faster than I could tape them up. Kevin was loading the truck so it was just me and several members of the Elders Quorum. One mentioned that today was his anniversary, and somehow it turned into a conversation of me knowing most everyone's birthdays. That led to some good-natured teasing, and then the conversation changed as people took the boxes out. And that was it. But it was another reminder that I'm grateful for the friendships I've developed with various guys in the ward.

People usually describe me as a pretty quiet person, but somehow when I'm with a bunch of guys I usually open up, soaking in every bit of banter and dishing it out as much as I receive it. I've been like that since, well, forever, and I've honestly felt a lot of shame about it. No one really wants to be described as a flirt, after all.

But since coming here, I think I've finally figured it out. When I'm with women, what I most want is to be kind and good. When I'm with men, what I most want is to be funny. While it's obviously more noble to want to be kind and good, the funny side is a crucial part of my personality too. And when it gets neglected, I don't do as well at other nobler things. And for whatever reason, I just haven't figured out the banter with women the way I have with men. Maybe I don't want to . . . maybe I want to keep those relationships safe from silliness.

Or perhaps it's like what George Eliot says in Middlemarch in that I've been "discovering the delight there is in frank kindness and companionship between a man and a woman who have no passion to hide or confess." I still think you need to exercise caution in platonic friendships, but there is a level of frankness that I find refreshing.

At the end of the day, neither my friendships with men or women can compare at all with my relationship with Kevin, for whom I want to be kind and good and funny. The numerous shared experiences, the commitments we've made, and the hope we have with eternity together make for a depth of love that no other relationship would ever attain. When we've both felt sad about moving, at least we've been able to look at each other and say, "At least we'll be together."

Nonetheless, we will miss Ann Arbor a lot, and I am grateful for the friendships I've made with both men and women. I'm grateful for the empathy and understanding I've received primarily from women, and I'm grateful for the teasing and trash talk I've received primarily from men.

Well, maybe not all the trash talk. But enough of it.