Goal for 2017

A kind of funny thing has been happening since my last blog post. Out of the blue, I have been thinking of all sorts of nice notes and emails I got during the first trimester when I was feeling down.

"So . . . why did you feel like you didn't have any friends?" I ask myself.
"Um, I don't know."
"You focused in on a few unanswered emails and texts and ignored everything nice that happened to you???"
"I guess so."
"Well that seems like a recipe for sadness."
"I knew I wasn't being rational."

And that much is true. I would be sometimes catch myself in the negative thought patterns and wonder what on earth was going on. But at the same time I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't convince myself that I could possibly be wrong about something like that. Because once you're wrong . . . it means you've made mistakes. Possibly even ones that have hurt other people.

So instead I made a narrative around what I wanted to believe, and the parts that didn't fit, well, they were nice but had to be set aside. No wonder I was feeling so lonely!

Which I guess leads to my 2017 goal that I've finally decided on -- gratitude.

Yes, good old gratitude. Last year's goal was on being more willing to give (and I think I really was better, though perhaps it was easier with less accompanying and babysitting and feeling more needed in this new ward), and now this year should probably be about being grateful for what I've received.

I like what President Uchtdorf says about aiming at the right target in this month's Ensign. We need to have our lives centered on Christ and on loving those around us, not just painting targets where we think they belong.

What does having good aim look like in practice? I think it looks like gratitude. I know some incredible people who have been through horrific experiences, and they might mention them, but their hope is still on Christ and so they rarely complain.

As I listen to them talk, I kind of laugh to myself, remembering the times where most everything was great, but I still felt so lonely I could hardly stand it. I would try to make something good come from it -- "No one should ever feel this lonely! I should make sure to be a friend" -- but as I think about it, I'm included in that "no one" who should feel like that. And it really might have been self-inflicted. And I really think it's possible to be compassionate and caring without continually going back to a dark place. So while there is some good that comes from feeling lonely every now and then, I don't think it's something we need to subject ourselves to.

So here's to a year of hopefully focusing on the good, laughing off the inconveniences of mortal life (especially in New Haven, haha), and trusting God in any circumstance.

It might not be easy (especially since I'm so good at finding problems), but it does sound more fun. And more rational than what I was doing for a few months.

And I'm all for being rational!