Free food

Over the years, Kevin and I have honed our ability to find free food. Today was a great example of how to shamelessly obtain free food.

1. Decide to go to an open house celebrating the wedding of a friend you knew in high school 11 years ago.

2. Drive past the park, then change your mind about where you park. Ignore the crying of the 3 year old who just woke up from a nap at 6 pm and the indignant whining of the 1 year old who can't believe he still has to be in his car seat.

3. Park on the shoulder of a busy road and try not to let the 3 year old automatically open the door that opens into traffic. Then wade through uncut grass to the park.

4. Get in line for food before realizing that you don't know anyone else, and you certainly don't see the bride and groom. Maybe they were at the pavilion?

5. Walk over to the pavilion. It's a psychology major get together. Never mind.

6. Walk back to the line, frantically checking your phone to make sure you have the date, time, and address right. Second guess yourself again when you see crockpots labeled "YSA 6th stake."

7. Finally ask someone else in line if they're there for the same thing as you. Yes. Proceed as planned. (This step can be skipped if you care more about free food than belonging.)

8. Obtain free food. Attempt to obtain it for your children, but instead watch as tantrums commence about the lack of chocolate chip cookies (????).

9. Spend 15 minutes calming the tantrum as the other attendees do their best to ignore you. They all have newborns. They don't know what's coming.

10. Realize that you are enough older than everyone else there that your husband might end up being their professor. Continue eating your barbecue pork sandwich to dispel that thought.

11. Say hello to the bride and groom when they show up. This step could have been skipped if you didn't know the bride and groom. Realistically, no one would have known that you didn't belong.

12. Eventually, once he's calm enough, feed the hangry child a roll. All the embarrassment and hassle of obtaining free food has not been in vain.

I guess we ought to scour the local wedding announcements to see if we can try this again next weekend, whether or not we know the couple.