I don't really think you should make resolutions when it's below freezing (especially running resolutions), but I wanted to take a moment to reflect on last year's goals and where I want to go from there.
The word of the year that would pop into my head sometimes was "enjoy." And honestly, 2015 was pretty kind to me, so I was able to enjoy it a lot. I mean, this year had more screaming than I was used to (labor can do that to you) and more yelling than I was used to (three-year-olds can do that to you) but overall things were good. Good health, good friends, good baby, good trips, etc. So while the word "enjoy" wasn't a hard one to obey, it was a nice reminder to let the contentment soak in a little deeper. I'm not planning on things being crazy hard this year, but if they are I'll appreciate the happy deposits from 2015.
(Oh, and speaking of the year, I made a family newsletter. I forgot to put our last names and ages on so it's very safe privacy wise.)
Another goal I had was to recognize a bit better how to recognize the Holy Ghost in my life. One thing I figured is that God is most likely to give you revelation when it involves others, because He cares about His children being taken care of. To be honest, I had at least one time where I thought, "well, that was one generous thought that should have been suppressed," but that's okay. I finally realized this past week that perhaps one way I receive inspiration is through stories. They're not very elaborate stories, just the kind where I'm washing dishes and think, "Do you remember the time you forgot to start the dishwasher and the next morning you didn't have clean dishes?" and then if I pay attention to the story I start the dishwasher and if I don't then the story comes true. I don't think that counts as full-blown revelation, but the more I've thought about it the more I've recognized that, sure, the Holy Ghost can remind me to start the dishwasher, especially if it means that I am learning to recognize inspiration for bigger things (which has happened too, also through stories).
Similarly, sometimes I tell stories to myself to convince myself why my opinion is right, and I feel little tugs here and there telling me, "you can't believe that part of the story. No matter what that's still wrong." Given that I like to tell stories (it's my favorite type of blog post), it makes sense that stories are part of how I can be reached.
So, those were my two main goals. Now onto 2016 goals!
The main one can probably be summed up in two words: cheerful giver.
For more than two years now, I've had this weirdness about accompanying people. There was a little while in high school where I really struggled with accompanying people, but that basically went away for all of college and at least the first few months of living here. Then I got called to be Primary pianist and started getting asked to accompany all the time and for some reason I started to mind. A lot. You throw in a few miscarriages, feeling disconnected and terribly isolated from most everyone (even in Primary), and a complicated desire to be valued more for my singing or teaching than my playing, and . . . well, at the end of 2014 I almost hated the piano.
But that was a year ago, and a lot of those issues have resolved (reminding myself to enjoy the piano was part of that). Even so, I still spent a good chunk of 2015 working through my resentment, and I had a bit of a flare-up with Christmas (even though I only did 2 musical numbers per week in Sacrament Meeting, plus a little subbing). As I've tried to pin down what exactly I don't like about accompanying (is it feeling isolated or like a commodity? nah, I've got friends. is it that I don't get to serve in ways I would prefer? that used to be true, but now it's fine. is it that the songs are too hard? nah. never. is it that other pianists could do it instead? nah, they're busy too. is it having to be at church early to practice? nah, it means we get better seats. is it that I want to sing instead? sure, but first I want a better voice [or convince myself it's fine as it is]) I've concluded that sometimes I just plain don't want to serve.
Which, of course, also explains my hesitation in accepting babysitting requests, giving people rides, signing up to bring food, etc. I do all those things frequently enough. but they feel like isolated acts of service rather than an overall mindset.
And I know it's important to set healthy boundaries and say no occasionally, but I feel like most times I've said no, I've realized in retrospect that my "no" had less to do with healthy boundaries and more to do with a temporary desire to be obstinate. (Would it really have been hard to accompany one more musical number? Would it really have killed me to watch five boys for two hours once every five weeks? I do it unofficially all the time.)
And so this year, I'm hoping to change my mindset to be a cheerful giver. On the outside I might not do any more service or accompanying than I do now, but on the inside I will be more grateful for the opportunities given. I still think it's fair to assess if I'm getting anything out of the service, but I will do more to actively get something out of the service, if that makes sense.
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| On the left: the isolated acts of service I perform represented as green dots. On the right: the acts of service I perform, filled in by gratitude and grace. Cheerful giving has less to do with the number of dots and more to do with the overall mindset. (though more dots doesn't hurt) |
. . . any advice?
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