Mother's love

Note: this is yet another post in my Proclamation series

Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

-Proclamation, 7th paragraph

The other day, I was looking at a blog post I wrote back in February. In that post, I talked about my fears about motherhood and nurturing as well as the conclusion I came to -- nurturing is part of our divine role, even if it isn't part of our personality. We can develop those feelings of love for our children, at least, that's what I hoped.

And what have I found? It's wonderful and complicated. I think I can sum it up like this: Love is a gift, and love is a choice.

What do I mean by that? Well, let's start with "love is a gift." Think back to your first major crush. Do you remember the wonderful, terrible feelings of infatuation that filled you with such joy that you could hardly stand it? Do you remember the thrill of holding hands for the first time with someone you really really liked? Those wonderful feelings -- I think they're a gift. The feelings of romantic love are a gift from God (probably manifested through hormones) to bring us joy and make us want to commit to another person.

And what I've found is that mother's love is the same in several ways. When Joseph first came out, I didn't suddenly love him, nor did I expect to. My thought process was this: Well, whaddya know, someone was in there all along. Then: he's huge! How did he fit in there? Then:  See, I told you all that he'd have hair!

And then they handed him back to me, all clean and tiny and wriggly.

"Here. You should do skin-to-skin and nurse him."

Abject terror. What were they thinking, handing me something so precious and fragile?

Luckily, we both survived the encounter. Over the next few hours and days, I really grew to love this little guy. When we got a few minutes alone at the hospital, I would tenderly pick him up (still somewhat terrified that I would drop him) and whisper, "Hi baby . . . I love you." (We didn't have a name for him yet.) I didn't really feel like those tender feelings came from me -- they seemed more like they were bestowed from an outside source.

Joseph at about 5 hours old.

And they grew. Even though I was incredibly sore for the first little while, I still looked forward to nursing Joseph because I knew that I would get a sudden rush of oxytocin that would fill my body and fill me with this overwhelming love for my baby and for everyone. I feel like that sort of love is a gift  from God, given to make us happy and to encourage us.

But love is also a choice. A few weeks ago, a lot of people were asking "So, what's it like being a new mom?" and I was having a hard time answering. "It's . . . hard. It's . . . fun."

We were past the zombie days and nights, the 15 dirty diapers a day, the 5 outfits a day, the arc de triomphes, and the worst of the crying. Why did it seem so much harder now?

There are a few obvious reasons. I moved across the country, away from all of my family. Suddenly Kevin had a bit more of a schedule so he wasn't there to help. And Joseph had a few colds which made life no fun.

But there was something else that made it hard -- the high from being a new mom had worn off. Although the mother instincts and hormones are still there, I feel left to my own devices a bit. That is, I feel like loving Joseph is more of a choice.

It surprised me. Goodness knows how many times I had heard from parents and church leaders and books that romance fades in marriage and that love becomes an action word. I hadn't realized how it would be the same for parenthood. But you know what? I'm grateful it is. I'm grateful that it doesn't always come as naturally and easily as I anticipated. It makes it so much more personal. It makes me comprehend that my capacity to love is indeed growing each time I consciously choose to love. And it makes me realize how much we need to choose to turn to God to "borrow" His love.  I believe that one of the major reasons we are set up in families is to experience that transformation from instinctive love to Christ-love.

As C. S. Lewis said in The Great Divorce:

"He wanted your merely instinctive love for your child (tigresses share that, you know!) to turn into something better. . . . You cannot love a fellow-creature fully till you love God."