I feel like it's about time for another one of my pregnancy rants (rants I feel okay making because I'm pregnant, not rants about being pregnant). This one is about dating, everyone's favorite topic.
There are a lot of people I know who want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and don't. There are two basic problems associated with this: not finding the right person, and not being the right person. For those who simply haven't found the right person, I'm not too worried. Eventually he or she will fall into your life.
What concerns me more is those who struggle "being" the right person. While everyone is different and everyone is attracted to different types of people, I still think there are some indicators that make a person more or less attractive. I've looked at some common pitfalls that may prevent you from forming successful relationships.
Before I begin the list, there are two things to note. The first is that I do not claim to be perfect in any of these categories. Far from it. Making this list has been eye-opening for myself and is as much a call to action for me as it is for everyone. The second note is that this list may be written more towards men than women. This is probably because I am female, so I know what is off-putting about men to me personally, whereas I can only guess what's off-putting about women. But the advice applies to both genders.
Without further ado, here is a list of 10 common attributes of people who are struggling in the relationship department.
1. Hating on the opposite gender. (For my dad and others who may not be familiar with the jargon, hating on is a relatively new term basically meaning to bash. It's not quite the same as hating.) It's kind of a bad idea because you're trying to snag someone of the opposite gender!
But, you say, I'm just hating on certain attributes of the opposite gender. I don't plan to date people like that, so what's wrong with me hating on those attributes?
Good question. Let's take, for example, guys who hate on Twilight. (In my opinion, hating on Twilight is so 2008. Can't we move on already?) Twilight does set some ridiculously high standards for men and isn't a very good example of a healthy relationship, but to judge a girl based on whether she likes/liked Twilight is arbitrary and unfair. It doesn't mean she expects a relationship like that and it certainly doesn't define her. Yet I've seen Twilight used as a deal-breaker.
Or let's take another example. I recently heard a friend complain about girls who judged a guy based on his shoes. He's justified in not wanting to date those girls, but is he justified in complaining? The funny thing is, I'm a girl who really doesn't care about shoes at all and in fact purposely chose the flattest, boringest wedding shoes I could just to show how little I care about shoes. But I still didn't like his complaint. Why? Because some girls I care a lot about care about shoes, and I felt like his complaint about a few girls reflected a general disdain for all girls who may be petty about anything (which we all are).
And going the other direction, girls, most guys have played video games, like Star Wars, and care about sports at least a little. Deal with it.
2. Complain. It is not attractive at all. It sends the signal that you're a person who can't handle little problems in life or that you're so egotistical that you expect everyone to agree with you and fix your problems.
In particular, don't complain about dating or how hard it is to get a date in Utah. I find it ironic that people complain so much about the dating scene and then are surprised when it doesn't acquiesce to them. For those who pride themselves on not dating "after the manner of BYU," let me just say, it occasionally works! Give it a try!
3. Not take care of your appearance. Guys, if you don't wash your hair daily, get rid of your unibrow and other unsightly hair, and wear unflattering clothes, you are unnecessarily limiting your prospects. Girls, if you don't wash your hair frequently, get rid of your unibrow and other unsightly hair (including above the upper lip), and wear unflattering clothes, you are also unnecessarily limiting your prospects.
4. Make jokes at others' expense. Don't ever ever ever ever ever do this. (Yes, I know plenty of happily married people who do this all the time, but don't do it.) You are never as funny as you think you are, and people will not trust you as much.
5. Criticize. No one is perfect. You will not marry someone who is perfect, and they probably need to be corrected every now and then. But if the ratio of kind to critical words is less than, I dunno, 20 to 1, you will not have a happy marriage. Trust me on this. The person who marries you has trusted you enough to share all their vulnerabilities with you, and it does not behoove you to betray that trust.
So since you ultimately want to get married, why not get into the habit of not criticizing now? Plus you'll be that much more attractive by giving up criticism.
6. Be too nerdy. (This one is mainly directed at guys.) Let's talk for a minute about how nerdy I am. I double majored in math and electrical engineering and got a master's in electrical engineering. I like factoring numbers in my head. I read textbooks for fun. In a lot of ways, I'm about as nerdy as they come.
And I have still come home from dates thinking, "Wow, he was way too nerdy for my liking."
How is that possible? Perhaps it's that the guy was nerdy in a different way (say a physics or computer programming kind of way). Perhaps it was that the guy dominated the conversation and talked only about nerdy ideas that I didn't care about.
Whatever the reason may be, don't be too nerdy!
How do you know if you're being too nerdy?
-If she's bored.
-If you're doing most of the talking.
-If you haven't found out what she's interested in and looked for commonalities.
Now, don't get me wrong. Everyone needs to be a nerd about something, be it math, cars, animals, or sociology. If you aren't at least mildly fascinated about something, then you're boring. But there's a difference between displaying fascination and being overbearing.
7. Overanalyze. I realized a few years ago that I really didn't like being analyzed. At first I was flattered by the attention, but then I felt like I was being invaded. I think most people are like that. We want to be understood, but we don't want to hang around people who make that their primary goal.
And what's wrong with overanalyzing a relationship? Well, most of the time it's unnecessary. Most people give fairly clear signals about how they're feeling so there's no point looking for subtleties. (If you are one of those people who pride themselves on subtleties, stop it. You're giving the rest of us a bad name.) People and relationships should be analyzed, but only to a point. If you're both happy, then keep going. If you're not, then stop.
8. Juggle too many people. Do you remember Teen Girl Squad? The Ugly One's catchphrase in the first episode was "I have a crush on every boy," said in her scratchy voice.
And in high school, that's okay. In fact, it's probably ideal in high school to get to know a lot of people and learn what flavors you like, so to speak (hooray for Young Women's metaphors about dating and Baskins and Robbins).
But there comes a point where it's good to have prospects, but not too many. Let's face it. You will probably meet people who have 6 out of 7 of the key attributes you're hoping for in a spouse, and you'll know 3 other people who have that missing 7th attribute. So what do you do? My opinion on the matter is that it's best to kind of focus on one at a time. You may find that the more time you spend with a given individual, the more or less that one attribute matters. Once you know that, you can either decide to pursue the relationship further or move on. But if you just sort of juggle those 4 people, then you've got yourself stuck in limbo where no one is quite satisfying but no one is quite worth abandoning either, and then you never progress.
9. Not be fun. A few years ago, I made a mental list of party games that I didn't really like. They included frisbee, soccer, anything involving running, card games, strategy games, mafia-esque games, Settlers of Catan-esque games, chance games, or games like signs or fruitbasket. Yeah, basically every kind of game except word games and charades games. Not surprisingly, it limited how much fun I could have at a party. So I decided to not hate those games anymore, and as a result parties are actually fun, even when I lose miserably.
The thing is, most people want to hang around someone who's fun at least most of the time and who can enjoy themselves most of the time. If you're overly particular about what counts as fun to you, then you're going to be kind of boring to be around.
10. Dislike yourself. If you've read the whole post up to this point (and if you have, you deserve a gold star. I promise that one of these days I'll just do short posts, or even just pictures of adorable babies), then you may have had one of these reactions:
-What? I had no idea that was unattractive!
-Yeah, I was already painfully aware of all my shortcomings. Thanks for rubbing it in, Kyra.
If you have the second reaction, you may already be wallowing in the depths of self-pity or despair. If you are, then get out! Almost everyone struggles with several things on this list, so you're not alone! The way to fix a problem is not by focusing on the problem but by focusing on the solution, the whole "assume a virtue if you have it not" thing. If you dislike yourself for not being perfect, then you're making it harder on yourself.
So what's the solution? Learn to like yourself! Learn to look in the mirror and be happy with the amazing person you already are. Are you perfect? Of course not! No one is! But I bet most anyone who you know would have plenty to praise about you. If you know that several of these pitfalls apply to you, then you're ahead of the game. You can be happy that you're aware of your weaknesses and be happy that they can become strengths. And that will make you all the more attractive.
Well, this has been long and opinionated. Like I said, there are a lot of things on this list that I need to improve on. I think my next post will be about the positive things I've noticed that happily married people do.
One last note: I haven't talked much about the spiritual side of dating. Remember that Heavenly Father loves and knows you and that His Son Jesus Christ died so that you can overcome your sins and weaknesses. Every mistake you have made has already been paid for through His Atonement, so we can forget the past and keep moving forward.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
The End of an Era
Well, I'm done. After a mad dash to Graduate Studies yesterday at approximately 1:55 to get everything approved by 2:00, I finished my masters degree and am graduating in August.
And with that last desperate sprint, I reached the finish line for a lot of different things. After 17 years of school (and some preschool I guess), I am done with school, possibly for forever. I'm done with college, done with my masters, done with my thesis . . . it's a little surreal.
Although I've reached the finish line for many different things, most of all I feel like I've reached the end of an era that began in winter semester of 2009. Why then? I feel like life has changed very little since then. I did get married in 2010 and got my bachelor's in 2011, but even those events, as momentous as they were, still felt like part of a pattern rather than abrupt shifts. In fact, I feel like the last huge shifts in my life occurred back in 2009.
Let me explain. It was that semester that I really started taking engineering classes and seriously considering electrical engineering. It was during that semester that I made many friends in that major that I still do stuff with today. In particular, it was then that I met Kevin. And it was then that I started going to the Clyde Building all the time. So even after I got married, it was just a transition from being with Kevin all waking hours to being with Kevin all hours. After I graduated, it was just a transition from going to the Clyde Building all the time to going to the Clyde Building even more.
So when I look at how stable things have been for the last 3 years and how much they're going to change within the next few months (no more school, brand new baby, brand new state), I think it's safe to say that I've reached the end of an important era in my life. It's been a wonderful 3+ years, but it's time to move on to a new phase of life (the new moon phase, pun intended).
In the spirit of nostalgia, here are a few things about the past few years that I won't miss, and some that I will.
Things I won't miss
--Research. It has its moments, but more often than not it is frustrating, confusing, and downright annoying. And sort of lonely.
--Working with engineers. At least, not engineering professors. Don't get me wrong -- they are brilliant and considerate and make awesome advisers in a lot of ways. But when it comes down to it . . . they're still engineers. By this I mean some of them would say things that were . . . off-putting. Now, I know they made fun of all the students, so I shouldn't have felt singled out, but when you're kind of the only girl they have different things to make fun of, so I felt singled out anyway. At the beginning it was all about was how I looked 12 years old (just fyi, women don't take that as a compliment until they're like 40), and at the end it was all about how grotesquely large I was (which I didn't appreciate for some odd reason). And if I ever hear the word "waddle" again I may throw something. I guess the take-home message for all professors who may read this is that you are never quite as funny as you think you are, especially when you're making a joke at someone else's expense.
--My computer. The version of Firefox it ran was made in 2006. 2006! Now, I'm sure that back in 2006 Firefox 2.0.0.17 worked great, but by 2012 it was completely lousy. I couldn't check several websites, the BYU homepage was a complete mess, I couldn't make comments on Facebook, and by the end, gmail only showed up in html. I wanted to do a print screen of several webpages to garner pity, but even print screen didn't work on my machine. Furthermore, it was just soooooooo slow. I could have exactly one program running and it would still take several minutes for it to do anything. They're finally going to upgrade the computers this summer, go figure.
Things I will miss
--Research. It can be frustrating, confusing, and downright annoying, but when you figure out how to make the algorithm work or how to simplify the equation, it can be exhilarating.
--Working with Kevin all the time. Those of you who have heard us work on homework together may wonder if I really mean this. After all, there were times when we disagreed and were quite intense in our disagreements. But we both knew that we were disagreeing about how the homework should be done, and as soon as we came to what we thought was the right answer, the fight was over. So yes, I will miss working with him. I'll miss our date nights in the Clyde Building and our late-night adventures getting projects done and the giddiness we both felt when we finally got something to work at 11 at night. I feel like we were able to see problems from different angles and were really able to help each other learn the material better.
--Learning about engineering. One comment I've never appreciated is, "Good for you for going into a technical field. Then if something happens to Kevin you'll be able to support yourself." That is a 100% true statement (albeit a bit morbid), but I feel like I misses the point of why I went into engineering (or why any woman bothers to get an education). I really did like learning about the stuff! If I hadn't liked it I wouldn't have done it. The math, the applications, the theory, all of it was just fascinating. I've still got a list at the back of my mind of stuff I still want to learn about and textbooks I still want to read. And now that school's out of the way I may just have time for them all . . .
And with that last desperate sprint, I reached the finish line for a lot of different things. After 17 years of school (and some preschool I guess), I am done with school, possibly for forever. I'm done with college, done with my masters, done with my thesis . . . it's a little surreal.
Although I've reached the finish line for many different things, most of all I feel like I've reached the end of an era that began in winter semester of 2009. Why then? I feel like life has changed very little since then. I did get married in 2010 and got my bachelor's in 2011, but even those events, as momentous as they were, still felt like part of a pattern rather than abrupt shifts. In fact, I feel like the last huge shifts in my life occurred back in 2009.
Let me explain. It was that semester that I really started taking engineering classes and seriously considering electrical engineering. It was during that semester that I made many friends in that major that I still do stuff with today. In particular, it was then that I met Kevin. And it was then that I started going to the Clyde Building all the time. So even after I got married, it was just a transition from being with Kevin all waking hours to being with Kevin all hours. After I graduated, it was just a transition from going to the Clyde Building all the time to going to the Clyde Building even more.
So when I look at how stable things have been for the last 3 years and how much they're going to change within the next few months (no more school, brand new baby, brand new state), I think it's safe to say that I've reached the end of an important era in my life. It's been a wonderful 3+ years, but it's time to move on to a new phase of life (the new moon phase, pun intended).
In the spirit of nostalgia, here are a few things about the past few years that I won't miss, and some that I will.
Things I won't miss
--Research. It has its moments, but more often than not it is frustrating, confusing, and downright annoying. And sort of lonely.
--Working with engineers. At least, not engineering professors. Don't get me wrong -- they are brilliant and considerate and make awesome advisers in a lot of ways. But when it comes down to it . . . they're still engineers. By this I mean some of them would say things that were . . . off-putting. Now, I know they made fun of all the students, so I shouldn't have felt singled out, but when you're kind of the only girl they have different things to make fun of, so I felt singled out anyway. At the beginning it was all about was how I looked 12 years old (just fyi, women don't take that as a compliment until they're like 40), and at the end it was all about how grotesquely large I was (which I didn't appreciate for some odd reason). And if I ever hear the word "waddle" again I may throw something. I guess the take-home message for all professors who may read this is that you are never quite as funny as you think you are, especially when you're making a joke at someone else's expense.
--My computer. The version of Firefox it ran was made in 2006. 2006! Now, I'm sure that back in 2006 Firefox 2.0.0.17 worked great, but by 2012 it was completely lousy. I couldn't check several websites, the BYU homepage was a complete mess, I couldn't make comments on Facebook, and by the end, gmail only showed up in html. I wanted to do a print screen of several webpages to garner pity, but even print screen didn't work on my machine. Furthermore, it was just soooooooo slow. I could have exactly one program running and it would still take several minutes for it to do anything. They're finally going to upgrade the computers this summer, go figure.
Things I will miss
--Research. It can be frustrating, confusing, and downright annoying, but when you figure out how to make the algorithm work or how to simplify the equation, it can be exhilarating.
--Working with Kevin all the time. Those of you who have heard us work on homework together may wonder if I really mean this. After all, there were times when we disagreed and were quite intense in our disagreements. But we both knew that we were disagreeing about how the homework should be done, and as soon as we came to what we thought was the right answer, the fight was over. So yes, I will miss working with him. I'll miss our date nights in the Clyde Building and our late-night adventures getting projects done and the giddiness we both felt when we finally got something to work at 11 at night. I feel like we were able to see problems from different angles and were really able to help each other learn the material better.
--Learning about engineering. One comment I've never appreciated is, "Good for you for going into a technical field. Then if something happens to Kevin you'll be able to support yourself." That is a 100% true statement (albeit a bit morbid), but I feel like I misses the point of why I went into engineering (or why any woman bothers to get an education). I really did like learning about the stuff! If I hadn't liked it I wouldn't have done it. The math, the applications, the theory, all of it was just fascinating. I've still got a list at the back of my mind of stuff I still want to learn about and textbooks I still want to read. And now that school's out of the way I may just have time for them all . . .
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Scarborough Video Rental
Sometimes I'm just not that impressed with Redbox's selection. It seems like the majority of movies are either R-rated movies which look disgusting or G-rated movies that I just wouldn't be able to stomach (like Disney's Treasure Buddies). It makes me miss the good old days when there was an actual store with aisles and aisles of movies to choose from.
Of course, not all movie stores were like that. When I lived in New Jersey for a year, we went to a place called Scarborough Video Rental which had the same sort of selection as Redbox. It was really hard to find a movie that was appropriate for the family but not really stupid.
One time I went with my dad and started browsing for a movie which we would all like. After looking around for a few minutes without any success, I went over to my dad to see what he was considering.
I wrapped an arm around his old familiar leather jacket and gently grabbed the video from his hand. It looked really raunchy. As I looked up at him with questioning eyes, I had a horrible shock.
This man was not my father.
"Here, you want to take a look?" the man asked kindly and deliberately, undoubtedly sure that he was speaking to someone, um, lacking in social intelligence.
I opened my mouth and closed it a few times, trying to apologize and explain myself before running away and hiding in the Care Bears section of the store. Eventually my real dad found me and we left the store with some acceptable movie. I never saw that other man again.
Maybe Redbox is better after all.
(And for those of you who are wondering, we're too cheap for Netflix.)
Of course, not all movie stores were like that. When I lived in New Jersey for a year, we went to a place called Scarborough Video Rental which had the same sort of selection as Redbox. It was really hard to find a movie that was appropriate for the family but not really stupid.
One time I went with my dad and started browsing for a movie which we would all like. After looking around for a few minutes without any success, I went over to my dad to see what he was considering.
I wrapped an arm around his old familiar leather jacket and gently grabbed the video from his hand. It looked really raunchy. As I looked up at him with questioning eyes, I had a horrible shock.
This man was not my father.
"Here, you want to take a look?" the man asked kindly and deliberately, undoubtedly sure that he was speaking to someone, um, lacking in social intelligence.
I opened my mouth and closed it a few times, trying to apologize and explain myself before running away and hiding in the Care Bears section of the store. Eventually my real dad found me and we left the store with some acceptable movie. I never saw that other man again.
Maybe Redbox is better after all.
(And for those of you who are wondering, we're too cheap for Netflix.)
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Big
For the past few months, I've been quietly singing "because I'm big, I'm big, you know it" to the tune of Michael Jackson's "Bad." I decided that the rest of the song needed to be written, so a few weeks ago I wrote a parody. It actually follows Divine Comedy's "Good" parody more than Michael Jackson's original, but there are a few differences (including not as funny, but it's hard to beat Divine Comedy).
Anyway, without further ado, here it is:
Anyway, without further ado, here it is:
The secret’s out
I’m a gaining weight
There’s a baby here
Growing at fast rate
My skin is tight
My middle’s full
This future soccer
player’s on a roll
They say that all the husbands
wanted slim wives in the past
But with this baby comes new curves
So that’s changing really fast
Because I’m big
I’m big
You know it
because I’m big
I’m big
you know it, you know
All the neighbors in the ward don’t know
Let’s announce it once again
I’m big!
I used to fit
In lots of things
Like tight places
and skinny jeans
But now I've got
Some extra pounds
Stick figure me
s’now nice and round
And when I get real hungry
I just go ahead and eat
If it don’t go to my middle
then it’s going to my feet!
Because I’m big
I’m big
You know it
because I’m big
I’m big
you know it, you know
because I’m big
I’m big
you know it, ya!
I’m the biggest, baddest, pregnant-est one
Let me tell you once again
I’m big!
And here is its inspiration (with a few insertions and deletions here and there):
Now, if anyone wants to make a music video of pregnant women dancing to this, be my guest. Personally, I'm not ready to be part of an internet sensation. But if you are, then go for it!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The stories we say
You know what one of my favorite things about being married is? Having a captive audience. Turns out I like to talk quite a bit, and Kevin gets to hear most of it (though Leslie gets to read a lot of it via gchat).
And you know what one of my favorite conversation topics is? Me! I like to think that deep down that's everybody's favorite conversation topic (themselves, that is, not me personally).
Anyway, one of the interesting things about opening up and sharing so much about myself is how it helps me remember other stories about myself. For several years, I think my favorite conversation topic was boys. Yeah, I was one of those boy-crazy teenage girls. I don't think I actually knowingly flirted very much (not suave enough for that haha), but I think I spent a lot of time talking to and thinking about boys.
And that's fine and normal, but once you get married it's kind of a boring conversation topic. The big stories are still good stories, like the date to a funeral which also involved an emergency trip to the hospital and a ride in a tow truck, or the time I answered for senior ball with a word search that managed to have some unintentional innuendo in it, but most everything else I just don't care about anymore.
So that meant I had to dig deeper and start remembering stories from before I was a teenager. Turns out I remember quite a bit from back then, no thanks to my journal of course. The journal I used from age 8 to 11 has about one type of entry in it, each spaced a few months apart:
"Mom/Dad sent me to my room! They are so mean to me!!! I bet they're not even my real parents! My life is the worst!!!"
So it's basically only good for helping me keep track of how often I was sent to my room.
Despite that, by talking to Kevin, I've managed to unearth quite a few stories from the way back when. Like how Leslie and I used to grab pillows and put them behind our heads to dance to the Triss-Trass Polka. Or how the green Jello-Jigglers I brought for St. Patrick's day in 1st grade were stolen by some leprechaun (translation: 4th grader) and scattered across the playground.
And in return, I've learned lots of wonderful things about Kevin. Like his fascination with Davy Crockett, complete with the coonskin cap. Or how in high school his friends spent their time carving out a cinderblock from a wall of the soon-to-be-demolished school (during concurrent enrollment classes, of course). Or how he tormented his younger sister by dropping her stuffed animals off the landing at the top of the stairs because they had nothing to live for anymore.
I think the main reason I love hearing stories from our pasts is that it helps me understand both of us much better. There's a connection we get from learning that we had the same opinion about a lot of things growing up (like hating sports in gym class). And even the things we didn't agree on (e.g. he thought movie musicals were boring because there was too much dancing whereas I liked them) has helped us gain a better understanding of each other and where we're coming from. It's like each story is another puzzle piece that helps complete the picture of the person I've chosen to love and spend eternity with.
I think Vienna Teng sums it up just right in "Eric's Song" (my favorite love song):
And you know what one of my favorite conversation topics is? Me! I like to think that deep down that's everybody's favorite conversation topic (themselves, that is, not me personally).
Anyway, one of the interesting things about opening up and sharing so much about myself is how it helps me remember other stories about myself. For several years, I think my favorite conversation topic was boys. Yeah, I was one of those boy-crazy teenage girls. I don't think I actually knowingly flirted very much (not suave enough for that haha), but I think I spent a lot of time talking to and thinking about boys.
And that's fine and normal, but once you get married it's kind of a boring conversation topic. The big stories are still good stories, like the date to a funeral which also involved an emergency trip to the hospital and a ride in a tow truck, or the time I answered for senior ball with a word search that managed to have some unintentional innuendo in it, but most everything else I just don't care about anymore.
So that meant I had to dig deeper and start remembering stories from before I was a teenager. Turns out I remember quite a bit from back then, no thanks to my journal of course. The journal I used from age 8 to 11 has about one type of entry in it, each spaced a few months apart:
"Mom/Dad sent me to my room! They are so mean to me!!! I bet they're not even my real parents! My life is the worst!!!"
So it's basically only good for helping me keep track of how often I was sent to my room.
Despite that, by talking to Kevin, I've managed to unearth quite a few stories from the way back when. Like how Leslie and I used to grab pillows and put them behind our heads to dance to the Triss-Trass Polka. Or how the green Jello-Jigglers I brought for St. Patrick's day in 1st grade were stolen by some leprechaun (translation: 4th grader) and scattered across the playground.
And in return, I've learned lots of wonderful things about Kevin. Like his fascination with Davy Crockett, complete with the coonskin cap. Or how in high school his friends spent their time carving out a cinderblock from a wall of the soon-to-be-demolished school (during concurrent enrollment classes, of course). Or how he tormented his younger sister by dropping her stuffed animals off the landing at the top of the stairs because they had nothing to live for anymore.
I think the main reason I love hearing stories from our pasts is that it helps me understand both of us much better. There's a connection we get from learning that we had the same opinion about a lot of things growing up (like hating sports in gym class). And even the things we didn't agree on (e.g. he thought movie musicals were boring because there was too much dancing whereas I liked them) has helped us gain a better understanding of each other and where we're coming from. It's like each story is another puzzle piece that helps complete the picture of the person I've chosen to love and spend eternity with.
I think Vienna Teng sums it up just right in "Eric's Song" (my favorite love song):
And with each passing day
The stories we say
Draw us tighter into our addiction
Confirm our conviction
That some kind of miracle
Passed on our heads
Spaghetti
The other night we made some delicious spaghetti and spaghetti sauce. (Recipe: brown some ground beef with onions and garlic. Once cooked, stir generic traditional spaghetti sauce in. Add Italian seasoning and red pepper at will.) I don't know what it was about it that made it special (probably hunger), but it was the most delicious thing I had ever eaten. As I was eating, the thought came to me, "This is so good! Why did we never have stuff like this when I was growing up?"
And then I remembered. My mom made spaghetti and spaghetti sauce all the time. But I was never brave enough to actually try the spaghetti sauce because it was, I dunno, red. So I would instead just eat the spaghetti with a little bit of parmesan cheese on top. That sounds really nasty now.
Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again just so I could take advantage of all those missed opportunities like spaghetti sauce.
And then I remembered. My mom made spaghetti and spaghetti sauce all the time. But I was never brave enough to actually try the spaghetti sauce because it was, I dunno, red. So I would instead just eat the spaghetti with a little bit of parmesan cheese on top. That sounds really nasty now.
Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again just so I could take advantage of all those missed opportunities like spaghetti sauce.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
The Dilemma of the CES
Wow, pregnancy has really made me have opinions on everything lately! My latest opinions are thanks to the recent article in which Randy Bott said some . . . interesting things. His remarks reminded me of a great feeling of frustration I felt with seminary and religion teachers late last year.
Don't get me wrong. The CES is a wonderful system and has really changed the lives of many many young people in the church. And most everything I learned in seminary and religion classes was good and true and appropriate.
But of course, the things that weren't good or true or appropriate are unfortunately what stick.
What is my main classification for things that fit into those categories? Things that aren't official Church doctrine.
There was the time where we were learning about the Plan of Salvation and had the promise of being able to create any kind of planet we wanted if we were good ("I'm going for a snowboarding planet," our teacher said.) There was the teacher who handed out a paper with various statements and asked us to guess if those were things the prophet had said. Turned out all of the items on the list were things prophets had said . . . some of them incredibly dated or said before they were even the prophet. (For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure BYU would not have birth control available at the Health Center if it were blatantly against church policy.) There was the time when I went straight from AP Biology where I learned about evolution and it seemed reasonable and fascinating and true to a seminary class where evolution was set up to be a dirty, horrible lie. And then there were the Mormon rumor mill stories such as sightings of Moroni.
And the problem didn't go away when I went to BYU. It was there I learned that the last appropriate Disney movie was Pinocchio, that UFOs visited Earth to visit the place where Christ lived, and . . . well, I won't go into everything Brother Robinson said (though I still like his book). Furthermore, there was a kind of confidence many professors exuded that seemed to imply "I am a smart professor so I know all the answers to every hard question in the gospel."
So, I've been a little bugged about CES since I remembered all of those grievances. Is it entirely possible that when we go to heaven we get to have a snowboarding planet? Yes! Is it probably a good motivation for bored teenagers to pay a little bit more attention in seminary? Yes! But does that mean it should be taught? I'm not so sure about that. It seems like the media attaches itself to our more "obscure" doctrines, the ones that sound weird without context. To spend a lot of time teaching them only aggravates the problem. The reason this bothers me is because there are good people who would want to hear more about the Church but are turned off by the "weird" things they hear about us out of context.
I think what bothers me the most is that the CES has such an influence on what members believe. Teenagers just don't pay attention in Sunday School, so the only time you can catch them is in seminary. Once you get to college, Sunday School is full of comments such as, "My teacher in New Testament said . . . " Once you get to a family ward and go to normal adult Sunday School, well, there are so many out there things that people say that you have to have a good understanding of the gospel to not get wrapped around the axle. Essentially, a lot of people's understanding of the gospel comes from seminary, institute, and religion teachers.
In addition to this huge responsibility, there's also the added requirement that seminary and religion teachers answer the "hard questions." General Authorities have said that they only answer the general questions, but for young people that's often not enough. So, they turn to their seminary teachers or to Brother Bott to get the specific answers and explanations.
And therein lies the root of the problem which was made manifest this week. When you are expected to answer a lot of hard questions and you answer a lot of them quite well, you may not notice when you are completely wrong about something.
Take blacks and the priesthood, for instance. I recognized what Brother Bott said about race because it was based on what Bruce R. McConkie said in "Mormon Doctrine." I remember pulling that old cream book off the shelf when I was 14 or so and happening to open up to that page. "That's really weird," I remember thinking. Then I checked the copyright page where it said "This is not an official publication of the Church" and life made sense again. My suspicion is that Elder McConkie was trying to explain why blacks couldn't have the priesthood based purely on scripture rather than looking at the history and seeing how the policy crept into the Church. And then Brother Bott used his ideas and let them become his own opinion, and then made the mistake of sharing them with the press, especially without approval. (Now for my unauthorized opinion: I personally have met so many valiant black people that I have trouble believing that they were somehow less faithful during the premortal existence. I think race is a function of how close to the equator people lived, not a punishment or reward, and definitely not a punishment for something Ham did way back when.)
What am I getting at? I think I'll end with a plea. Please, current and future seminary, institute, and religion teachers, please don't delve into speculation. The Church has spent so much effort trying to bring us back into the core doctrines (think 2 years of "Gospel Principles" in RS/EQ) and I don't want it to be in vain. Please realize that you have a huge responsibility and that the youth of the church will remember and believe what you say. Please teach by the Spirit rather than teaching what sounds cool. Above all, please remember this quote by Joseph Smith:
The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.
Don't get me wrong. The CES is a wonderful system and has really changed the lives of many many young people in the church. And most everything I learned in seminary and religion classes was good and true and appropriate.
But of course, the things that weren't good or true or appropriate are unfortunately what stick.
What is my main classification for things that fit into those categories? Things that aren't official Church doctrine.
There was the time where we were learning about the Plan of Salvation and had the promise of being able to create any kind of planet we wanted if we were good ("I'm going for a snowboarding planet," our teacher said.) There was the teacher who handed out a paper with various statements and asked us to guess if those were things the prophet had said. Turned out all of the items on the list were things prophets had said . . . some of them incredibly dated or said before they were even the prophet. (For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure BYU would not have birth control available at the Health Center if it were blatantly against church policy.) There was the time when I went straight from AP Biology where I learned about evolution and it seemed reasonable and fascinating and true to a seminary class where evolution was set up to be a dirty, horrible lie. And then there were the Mormon rumor mill stories such as sightings of Moroni.
And the problem didn't go away when I went to BYU. It was there I learned that the last appropriate Disney movie was Pinocchio, that UFOs visited Earth to visit the place where Christ lived, and . . . well, I won't go into everything Brother Robinson said (though I still like his book). Furthermore, there was a kind of confidence many professors exuded that seemed to imply "I am a smart professor so I know all the answers to every hard question in the gospel."
So, I've been a little bugged about CES since I remembered all of those grievances. Is it entirely possible that when we go to heaven we get to have a snowboarding planet? Yes! Is it probably a good motivation for bored teenagers to pay a little bit more attention in seminary? Yes! But does that mean it should be taught? I'm not so sure about that. It seems like the media attaches itself to our more "obscure" doctrines, the ones that sound weird without context. To spend a lot of time teaching them only aggravates the problem. The reason this bothers me is because there are good people who would want to hear more about the Church but are turned off by the "weird" things they hear about us out of context.
I think what bothers me the most is that the CES has such an influence on what members believe. Teenagers just don't pay attention in Sunday School, so the only time you can catch them is in seminary. Once you get to college, Sunday School is full of comments such as, "My teacher in New Testament said . . . " Once you get to a family ward and go to normal adult Sunday School, well, there are so many out there things that people say that you have to have a good understanding of the gospel to not get wrapped around the axle. Essentially, a lot of people's understanding of the gospel comes from seminary, institute, and religion teachers.
In addition to this huge responsibility, there's also the added requirement that seminary and religion teachers answer the "hard questions." General Authorities have said that they only answer the general questions, but for young people that's often not enough. So, they turn to their seminary teachers or to Brother Bott to get the specific answers and explanations.
And therein lies the root of the problem which was made manifest this week. When you are expected to answer a lot of hard questions and you answer a lot of them quite well, you may not notice when you are completely wrong about something.
Take blacks and the priesthood, for instance. I recognized what Brother Bott said about race because it was based on what Bruce R. McConkie said in "Mormon Doctrine." I remember pulling that old cream book off the shelf when I was 14 or so and happening to open up to that page. "That's really weird," I remember thinking. Then I checked the copyright page where it said "This is not an official publication of the Church" and life made sense again. My suspicion is that Elder McConkie was trying to explain why blacks couldn't have the priesthood based purely on scripture rather than looking at the history and seeing how the policy crept into the Church. And then Brother Bott used his ideas and let them become his own opinion, and then made the mistake of sharing them with the press, especially without approval. (Now for my unauthorized opinion: I personally have met so many valiant black people that I have trouble believing that they were somehow less faithful during the premortal existence. I think race is a function of how close to the equator people lived, not a punishment or reward, and definitely not a punishment for something Ham did way back when.)
What am I getting at? I think I'll end with a plea. Please, current and future seminary, institute, and religion teachers, please don't delve into speculation. The Church has spent so much effort trying to bring us back into the core doctrines (think 2 years of "Gospel Principles" in RS/EQ) and I don't want it to be in vain. Please realize that you have a huge responsibility and that the youth of the church will remember and believe what you say. Please teach by the Spirit rather than teaching what sounds cool. Above all, please remember this quote by Joseph Smith:
The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.
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