Transitions

Note: This post is the first in a series about transitions. Sorry if it comes across angsty. I'm not fishing for compliments or pity, I promise!

At the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I think my bishop was concerned about me. In his first interview with me, I feel I came across as a shy, underconfident 18-year-old girl who was willing to fall into the arms of the first young man who showed interest in me. However, by the end of the school year, he told me that I had become confident and strong and he trusted my judgment when I said that I was interested in a young man who would soon be home from a study abroad in China.

And just like that, over the course of one school year, I blossomed into a confident young woman.

Except, that's not quite what happened. You see, about the same time (plus or minus one week), I walked into the office of a professor in the college of electrical engineering to ask if I could do research for him. I understood that he was a well-respected man and I felt intimidated by him. He looked over my resume and transcript and asked me a few questions, and then said, "Kyra, I'm going to hire you. And one reason I'm going to hire you is because it seems like you lack confidence. I'm going to help you gain confidence."

And then a few years later, "Kyra, you have changed. I remember when you first walked in you didn't have very much confidence in yourself. And now you do!"

What do these stories say about me? Who was right about my confidence level -- my adviser or my bishop? Am I really more confident than I was 4 years ago? And was it even a matter of confidence, or did I just become comfortable in my new settings? I suspect the latter.

Right now I am still at the beginning of a new setting. And you know what? It's been hard. I've been trying to figure out what has made this move to Michigan so hard for me. There are a few big answers -- I just had a baby less than six months ago, I'm not doing homework and labs with my husband anymore (and yes, I am jealous of the guys in Kevin's classes and research group replacing the position I held as Kevin's engineering buddy), and I'm more than 1000 miles away from my family as opposed to a few blocks away from my sisters and a few hours from my parents. Then there are little things, like not being very busy, so that even though there are tons and tons of social events I attend and host, they make up a relatively small percentage of my time.

But I think the main thing that makes this transition hard -- that's made every transition hard -- is that people just don't know me yet. I feel like I come across as a quiet, frazzled young mom who is 5+ minutes late to everything and who doesn't quite know how to keep a conversation going.

Will that perception change? Of course it will! It always does. People find out that most of what I say is tongue-in-cheek and that I do in fact have a sense of humor. As time passes, I learn how to reach out to people and learn how to really love them.  It's happened before and it will happen again. It just takes time to acclimate, time to recapture that confidence that seems to get left behind wherever I last lived.